I was offered a publishing deal - men's reactions

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Hello all, I'm female and I've been working on a big written project for ages and was recently offered a publishing deal. I consider this a huge achievement. I told some friends - not wanting to boast - just considering how difficult my own life has been in general and how much I have put into this despite my life situation being very difficult over the years, I thought it was exciting and for me a big achievement.

All my female friends and relatives said congratulations and how great it was, but the men I mentioned it to (family and friends) didn't even say "well done". This follows a pattern of me feeling like they belittle my work or brush it off as if my skills are inferior or not worthy of validation.

One of these men I mentioned it to has implied I am less than skilled in my area of expertise (despite hiring me to work for him many times), belittling my achievements, brushing them off and so on and implying others are better than me. No congratulations or even a comment in return when I mentioned about the publishing deal. Just started blethering on about a (tiny) project he had published. A close male family member didn't bother to say "well done". And so on.

I'm just trying to get my head around this. Has this been anyone else's experience? I just feel so disappointed that these men that are supposed to be friends / family think so bloody little of me that they can't even say well done and also historically have never bigged my work up or recognised my achievements. So for something like this to be ignored I guess is par for the course and I should have expected it.

I realise this sounds like I'm seeking validation or whatever or boasting. I wasn't meaning to. I just wanted to tell these people that I was excited (who I have supported and offered validation and help to over the years) and it would have been nice for them to just say "well done" or at least be a bit excited for me as we are friends/family, but I'm just wondering if it was their inherent misogyny that prevented them from recognising an achievement of a woman. They didn't even raise an eyebrow when I told them. This makes me question what they really think of me!

Just venting really! Has this kind of thing been the experience of others?

I wonder OP what genre you write in? It is a typical 'female' genre? Fiction, especially romance or fantasy/romantacy? I write fantasy (unpublished) and I find that men in particular struggle to keep the sneers off their faces. Like Tolkien and shakespeare didn't write fantasy or something.

I assumed it was genre related but maybe it's just misogyny....you've surprised them and need to get back in your box.

Frankly I’ve never really heard men congratulate other men for anything so I don’t know if it’s necessarily an anti woman thing.

Congratulations 👏👏👏. I agree with PPs brag, boast, thoroughly enjoy your success without minimising it in any way.

I paused to try to remember an occasion when I saw men praising another man on an achievement. Maybe it’s the company I’ve kept but I honestly can’t. Achievements have either been ignored, played down, minimised or just turned into an excuse for a mutually beneficial piss up. Even when apprentices finally qualified, they were ragged rather than praised. Seems to me some men can’t or won’t give due credit ever

Bloody brilliant well done! Sorry you have encountered all these jealous men. A little story of something which opened my eyes to how self effacing I and many women are: I was on a work trip abroad (Malta) and there was a woman leading the trip. I heard her on the phone talking to a work colleague and what she said has made me approach my life differently since. She said: ‘No I can’t create a spreadsheet on that as I’m no good at that sort of thing. I am brilliant in so many other areas but that isn’t one of them.’ It may sound simple but to hear a waman bigging herself up about something while admitting she can’t do it all was eye opening to me.

My favourite description of writers was from Andy Hamilton (a professional writer!) in Old Harrys Game

The Prof - I've always rather envied writers, I think the act of writing must give them a tremendous amount of peace and solace.

Satan - You've not met many writers have you?

The Prof - Well no, no

Satan - Well I have and do you know what writers are? Writers are miserable grudging drunks who just happen to know a lot of words. They're not seeking solace! No, no, no, as far as they are concernced writings an act of revenge!

The Prof - Revenge against who?

Satan - EVERYBODY!! Everyone who isnt them and fails to realise what a genius they are. If they weren't witers, they'd all be serial killers!

😄

And as for mens reaction.....jealousy. Pure and simple.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I am reminded of one of the world's greatest poems by Clive James:
The Book of My Enemy Has Been Remaindered
https://archive.clivejames.com/poetry/bomehas.htm

Congratulations! This sounds like a massive, life altering achievement. You deserve it, and I know this because you wouldn't have a deal if you didn't.

I hate to say this, but the reactions you have experienced aren't even specific to you, your achievement or any achievement by any woman. You only have to look at comments from men to women online, or the extreme, of violence against women. It's everywhere, everyday. And I'm truly sorry this non-remarkable example is something that is dampening your achievement or the level at which you perceive it to be, portrayed by some to be of lesser value. It sounds like you have done an amazing thing and here we recognise the disgraceful misogyny and jealousy that women experience every single day, albeit of varying degrees. Do not let these attitudes diminish who you are or what you have achieved.

This is big, celebrate big.

It's this - the publishing validates it so absolutely.

Well done op xx

thank you to all who have commented - I've been reading and absorbing everything. Some great points, all duly noted. Thank you!

Feeling angry about it but trying to move on. Some of the people I mentioned have form for being called out by others for sexism in the past. Sad really. It is just hard not to internalise their reactions and not to take it personally. I am doing my best to ignore. I think I may well give them a wide berth from here!

Much appreciated everyone 😊