Partner’s comment on choking has upset me.

[Celia24]

I’ve been with him for 1.5 years. A good man who has always treated me well. He remains friends with his ex wife too, which has always felt a positive sign. No red flags and considered part of the family now.

His first language isn’t English - he’s pretty much fluent, but doesn’t know all the idioms. He said the phrase ‘grab it by the neck’ instead of grab life by the horns. I said neck wouldn’t have worked as an acceptable idiom. ‘Domestic abuse, you know?’

He said ‘nah, that can be kinky.’ We don’t have a particularly kinky relationship so it took me aback. Also my mum was in a domestically abusive relationship in her 20s where she was strangled. I felt he ignored a very serious topic.

he has never said anything that would make me think he is sexist or into violence against women but this has upset me. How can I approach it?

If there are no other signs of abuse, no signs of misogyny and he treats you and other women respectfully, then I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

It can be kinky. But you were triggered and didn’t like it. As long as he understands and doesn’t say it again you’re fine.

You just have different frames of reference.

I told him I don’t want to be choked.

Although we have different frames of reference, he isn’t ignorant of women’s violence. I suppose I felt he downplayed what I said.

there have been no other signs of concern.

You're really overthinking it. Possibly because of family background.

In 2025, we're still allowed to make both errors in speech in a second language, and jokes.

Does he know about the background with your mum? If so, making the 'kinky' comment was a bit inappropriate and you could bring it up again and just say that you'd prefer that he didn't joke about that kind of thing again. The initial comment about grabbing life by the neck seems like a completely innocent mistake.

I'm not surprised you're upset. Not really ok to minimise as 'kinky' after you'd raised DV. Does he know about your mum's history at all? And does he know that choking someone can be a serious offence?

So does he personally find it arousing to prevent a woman from breathing?
I can't really work out the context of this (porn, presumably) but this would be the question for me.

I don’t care about him making the idiom error - that doesn’t matter.

he knows about what happened to my mum but he doesn’t know the details. However, he’s quite well informed about the issues women face and I was disappointed to hear him downplay this.

@popefully good question, this has been on my mind. He has never put his hand on my neck or expressed a desire to. I have to assume now he’s watching this type of thing in porn or did it with his ex wife.

Give the guy a break. You've jumped to a lot of conclusions here. It was just a throw away comment and he's not wrong it can be kinky. Seems like you're looking for a reason to get annoyed.

to give him the benefit of the doubt (if you want to) he may not be aware of the dangers of 'consensual' choking
https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/
even if (a very big if) choking is consented to, any loss of consciousness carries the risk of brain injury
I'd re visit it later and say - you know what you said about choking being kinky, I don't think you realise how dangerous it can be, its really not something to joke about

of course if there are any other red flags, just dump him

I think you’re being hugely over sensitive here.

I also think you’re being oversensitive here, that CAN be kinky, he’s not wrong. You absolutely don’t have to enjoy that particular kink, but that doesn’t mean other people don’t, it is still kinky.

Why assume he's done it or watched it? I've never done either but I heard of it through a friend whose husband liked to do it (now divorced). You can hear of things without partaking in them, as you have done.

You are being super-sensitive, massively over-reacting.

He's not wrong, though. As long as he accepts and respects your stance on it, you're overthinking.

People say these things not thinking about what they might trigger. It's quite hard to learn and remember someone else's triggers. You can ask him not to use phrases like that when he's with you and explain why, but don't have a go at him if he forgets, just remind him. And it doesn't mean anything at all about his own sexual preferences.

I have to assume now he’s watching this type of thing in porn or did it with his ex wife.

That may be an overreaction. I'm aware of choking as a 'kink', mainly from reading about women who've been killed by it, certainly not by ever having watched it let alone participating.

You’re looking for abuse or abusive traits. It was just a joke that landed badly. You really need to move on.

I have to assume now he’s watching this type of thing in porn or did it with his ex wife.

That's a ridiculous assumption.
I don't watch that type of thing in porn and haven't done it, but I know that some people find it kinky.

Apparently there are women who genuinely and enthusiastically consent to being choked during sex. I can't tell you if such women actually exist, but given the society we live in it's entirely possible your husband honestly believes they do.

As long as he doesn't think you're one of these women (which he apparently doesn't) and respects your boundaries, then you should be OK.

I think that it sounds like quite a mild joke, and I wouldnt take it as an admission of guilt of anything.

A guy I know split up with his girlfriend because she wanted him to choke her and he wasn't comfortable with that, so I know they exist, though I don't get it myself.

If he understands how you feel, it's OK. If I were you I'd emphasise it once more, partly to ensure he's aware of how you feel, partly to see how he reacts this time.

I would be appalled by any man who said that or tried doing it. But I’m old — that wasn’t acceptable when I was young, along with hair-pulling and all the other violence that is now common in pornography. I don’t mean it never happened, but if it did the woman would run a mile.
It upsets me that so many PP here think it’s ok.
btw, your DH sounds ok, Op. He’s just repeating what’s become commonplace now, that’s what is sickening.

I agree. People have heard of things they wouldn’t ever consider doing themselves OP.

I’ve heard people do drugs.
I’ve heard they climb Everest 🤷‍♀️

I think you are massively overreacting. It doesn't sound like he said choking IS kinky, just that it can be. Seems like a throwaway comment to me, I've never watched porn and definitely never participated but I am still aware that breath play is a thing. Doesn't mean I want to do it!

Unless he was suggesting you do it, or saying that women being choked was always sexy, then I really don't understand what you are so upset about. It's a simple conversation- a) Im definitely not interested in trying that thanks and b) due to my mums history I find joking about it really uncomfortable, please don't.