Partner’s comment on choking has upset me.

[Celia24]

I’ve been with him for 1.5 years. A good man who has always treated me well. He remains friends with his ex wife too, which has always felt a positive sign. No red flags and considered part of the family now.

His first language isn’t English - he’s pretty much fluent, but doesn’t know all the idioms. He said the phrase ‘grab it by the neck’ instead of grab life by the horns. I said neck wouldn’t have worked as an acceptable idiom. ‘Domestic abuse, you know?’

He said ‘nah, that can be kinky.’ We don’t have a particularly kinky relationship so it took me aback. Also my mum was in a domestically abusive relationship in her 20s where she was strangled. I felt he ignored a very serious topic.

he has never said anything that would make me think he is sexist or into violence against women but this has upset me. How can I approach it?

Yeah I think you're overthinking it because if your mum's past. But it's widely known and not something he'd just know by watching porn. It's also not just women that get choked it's more common that's it's the man that likes to be choked but it's all tied in with the dominant/submissive type of kink isn't it

I also think it was a throwaway comment. Choking can be kinky but usually we're not talking about throttling the life out of somebody. Like, I'd never imagine a partner choking me anywhere close to what I've experienced from other women when I used to train Brazilian ju jitsu.

I don't think you're overthinking it. for one thing you should listen to your gut, and your gut feeling is that you are disturbed.
For another, the 'kinky' comment makes absolutely no sense in the context of 'grab life by the horns', which means living life to its fullest.

Its a red flag, start thinking now about how many you can tolerate and where your line in the sand will be. Try putting a boundary in place and see if he pushes against it.

I wouldn't like it either OP - who goes from DV to kinky? I don't even think it's 'kinky' I think it's stupid and dangerous. I'd have the ick after that conversation tbh.

I would agree with OP that it is concerning. I would explain to him your perspective and hope that similar comments do not happen again.

Choking is a serious issue. The idea has a lot of proliferation in pornography unfortunately, though it is unsafe. Regarding domestic violence, in my locale the criminal charges automatically escalate from misdemeanor to felony if there is strangulation, because there is a much higher frequency of death. He needs to be more sensitive to your needs.

This

Yea I think you are being overly dramatic, if you want to leave then do so you don't need an excuse

On the idiom bit - there is a phrase to grab by the scruff of the neck, v similar to grab the bull by the horns. He's not wrong.

On the red flag bit, I agree that you're overthhinking and I'd also say grabbing by the neck and choking are a bit different, with only the latter implying breath restriction, if we're getting into literal behaviours.

However it's ok to feel sensitive when it's an emotive issue for you, I think it if were me I'd want to explain that to my husband so he understands those triggers better and can be more tuned in to that in future.

Why would you assume that? You can have heard of choking and not partaken in it.