Looking for resources on how to raise kind/non violent boys

[leftorrightnow]

In DS’s class (year 2) there’s currently an issue of boys in general being aggressive/violent towards some of the girls. I’d like to share some resources/links on how to raise kind and non-violent boys to share in the parent group.

this is an international school so the parent group is very diverse. Looking for something not explicitly feminist (not w that word in the title at least) and not too focused on gender diversity in terms of LGBT+ issues, as this will immediately make some parents (the ones who need it the most) shut down.

something which has practical tips and is quite fact based would be good. not the time and place to be ideological, looking for the highest impact approach which I think in this case would be pragmatic.

any ideas?

Well it's important to monitor and restrict their internet use. Incels and violent porn are easily available online.

Books:
How to raise a boy
Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys
Raising Boys

Good male role models are imperative.

Good luck. You need the parents on board and likely they condone this (which is why it's happening in the first place).

You can’t control or judge other people. How you teach your boy is all about your relationship between you and him. Do you respect him, acknowledge his feelings, encourage him to be honest with you? (Even if it’s hard for you to hear). Do you ask for what you need from him? Do you share respectfully when you’re feeling sad about his behaviour and hold him to account? Do you teach him how to look after himself and his space and how to respect others who live in the house with you? He’ll learn by you first caring for and respecting him, and then he’ll naturally look to be like that with others as he grows up. It’s in all these tiny day to day interactions.

Dr Shefali Tsbary and The Awakened Family is a good book if you’re looking for resources.

I'd start by recognising that boys are not girls and you can't expect them to behave as such.

Secondly I'd stop demonising them and telling them that any ambition / initiative they show is somehow evil.

My 25 year old son is kind and definitely not violent. He was brought up in a traditional family and we never had a problem. Personally I don't know even one man who I consider to ne violent. Stop demonising little boys.

This. If all you son hears is how bad boys are, guess what he will become...

Hopefully the OP is not telling her child that he's evil.

Best thing for a boy is a kind responsive affectionate but firm and masculine dad who pays attention to him, wants to spend time with him, allows him to help him and values his help, makes him feel like he’s doing ok with this growing up male thing, but also steps in firmly if he is ever cheeky to his mother and role models doing chores around the house.

The OP doesn't need to as this is society's default position on young men and has been for some time.

I haven't observed that. Sounds like hyperbole.

Are the parent group expressing concern about this? Or is it just you and something you have noticed? If you are concerned about the violent behaviour of other classmates I would start with a conversation with the teacher (s).

Are you male?

I'm not obligated to answer that question.

Surely if this is happening, it’s up to the school staff and the relevant parents to manage. I don’t think anything posted by another parent in a WhatsApp/parent group on this subject would be well received at all.

You just have.

If you say so.

It’s normal for young boys to play fight and be boisterous in play. If they’re directing that toward girls, that shit needs shutting down and redirecting. You need engaged parents who understand why the power difference matters.

As they grow, the biggest thing that’s going to influence them isn’t going to be some book their mum read, it’s the male role models in their lives.

Completely agree with this.

However schools and many parents try very hard to stop it preventing boys from learning important lessons in self control.

If you truly care about being a positive influence on young people in your community, the best thing you can do is volunteer as a Scout leader or a sports coach. Both my sons had the most amazing role models at those activities. ExH and I were both scout leaders.

This will have a far more meaningful impact on your local community than a post in a parent WhatsApp group. Takes more effort and committment though, obviously.

Where did the OP indicate that this was her intention?

Wow This thread suddenly woke up! Although not quite the way I was expecting it to ; )
anyways, you never know w mumsnet do you.

pleased to say that the issues in DS class are largely resolved. They turned out to mainly stem from one very troubled boy who’s since moved school. The whole dynamic in the boy group has since changed for the better and calmed down. Just goes to show what a big influence one troubled child can have.

in general I think that sadly too much of society and families are still showing too many signs of aggression an physical violence. The statistics on physical punishment speaks for themselves. This all feeds into the repeated patterns of aggression displayed mainly by boys and men.

a bit unrelated but who cares this is mumsnet, I just watched the documentary on Oasis “supersonic” (okay I know it’s really old and probably I’m the only person who didn’t know this but…) and apart from it being a brilliant documentary, it also broke my heart, I can’t believe I had no idea that Noel and Liam’s dad was abusive. So sad and explains so much. It really made me reflect on how often abusive parents (most often dads) are behind “laddish” and chaotic behaviors in young men, even today still. How can you expect men to respect women’s boundaries if they grow up with parents who don’t respect theirs, or witnessing domestic violence?

I disagree entirely w this attitude. Never a good idea to come
off as lecturing or holier than thou but there are ways to raise awareness which are more subtle. We are all responsible and part of the culture which we live in and I don’t agree w just going “that’s the schools job”.

You are right. It does take a village and all that. And of course it isn't just the schools job. If you really care about being a positive influence on young people in your local area, you really should consider volunteering. Be a great mentor for the children in your local community. I highly recommend it. Far more effective than a post in a group chat.

I think one important key is emotion coaching - giving dc space to feel their emotions, validating them compassionately.

I think the rush to stop dc crying, or telling them “big boys don’t cry” or that it’s brave not to cry, is actively harmful. But it’s very common in schools - probably because the staff to child ratio is low. But it’s also unfortunately still prevalent as a parenting practice.

Even if practices like these don’t actively ridicule emotion, they just stop short and dc can join the dots and understand the implications that displays of emotion are weak. But if you can’t show hurt, confusion and sadness when you’ve fallen (or been jostled) then anger is the obvious go-to. And anger isn’t weak.

Even when anger is punished by authorities, it’s not punished with ridicule.

If I were trying to tackle this issue, I’d start by setting out the importance of emotion coaching, and a how-to. Maybe by getting a child psychologist to talk at a pta- organised parents night, and/or to the teachers as well.