Angry with patriarchal family - and it's the other women who perpetuate it...

[Onemoretimeround]

I woke up feeling so angry today. I'm 45, live with a partner, chosen not to get married, don't have kids, have a good career, we share bills and household chores - for background. Also come from a family where all the men were boarding school educated, no other women work, women 'can't be good mums' if they work, etc. I have one brother who's never happy with his lot despite being loaded and having a wife who does everything for him. All blame seems placed on the women. My mum died 15 years ago. She was the only woman in the family not in the patriarchal mindset. My sister in law chose to tell me she thought my mother was self-centred last week because 'she did what she wanted' - mum was an incredibly kind, giving person and a great mum (who left my dad, and lived on her own from 40 to when she died at 64). I was furious. I wrote this message to my sister in law earlier.

I am just do done, and so angry, and don't know how to deal with them all anymore...I want to scream!

Advice welcome.

My message - I wasn't ok about the 'self-centred' comment. Please don't say that to me again as it's been said a few times. I would never say what I think of your parents to you. I am just so over the family's judgement of women, and women upholding patriarchal conditioning. I see it in others, with all the little comments about XX not being a good mum because she kept working a bit, or a good wife because she's not nudging XX to sort family plans (poor XX, that's just what he's like so it's not his problem), or her niece being 'selfish' for being a firefighter which is a role 'women shouldn't do'. Dad saying women shouldn't be allowed to play football. My brother getting away with ignoring stuff or being moody, with no judgement. I never hear these comments about men, or anything like the same judgement. XX being condescending and off with me for not stepping in more to care for dad, but he'd never be like that with my brother. All dad's comments to me that I shouldn't have an opinion when I was growing up, and not being a 'good enough girl' etc etc. I have hit midlife and I am pretty furious about it all.

Meh, you're complaining about a woman who didn’t temper her thoughts and feelings for the consideration for others.

Isn’t that what you want?

What are you trying to achieve? Think of your end purpose here.

If you want to have a go at your SIL for being rude, then just tell her to keep her comments about your mum to herself in future.

If you're trying to change the misogynist and patriarchal attitude of your family then I wouldn't bother. It's highly unlikely you'll change deeply entrenched attitudes. Just live your life, let them live theirs and ignore their crap.

I hear you OP. I would feel the same. Have you sent the message, it's not clear? If not, I think you shouldn't. I'd reduce seeing them, and just endure the comments, grey rock, when you have to see them. You can laugh, roll eyes, think disparaging thoughts about them and live your life how you want. As pp, you won't change their views and you'll potentially feel more annoyed and involved by trying and failing.

@IceCreamWoes I did send it...oh dear. You're right, just have to get on with living my life, but it's so infuriating!

You should of course walk away from the misogyny. But that's the wrong message to send. Instead, talk about how and why you admired your Mum, for her independence and generosity, for example. Heap praise on the firefighter niece. Sounds like your Mum was fantastic and you were really lucky to have such a wonderful role model.

@SpareHeirOverThere you're right in that it wasn't the right message, at the time she said that about mum I did say I admired the way she lived her life, etc - I think I just suddenly felt hugely angry about all the women judging other women like that and it was wrong to send, but it's done.

If it makes them think twice before spouting their misogynistic rubbish, then your work is done!

I would be absolutely livid if she talked like that about my mum, particularly if my mum was now dead and even more particularly as she didn't have a really long life. How fucking dare she say that your mum was self-centred? I would have been so angry with her I doubt she would have repeated it.

@MounjaroUser thank you for getting it, I was fuming...

Honestly, I think it would land more if you make it more personal. Make it about your mum, and what she sacrificed for you. Do a “How very dare you call my mother selfish”, and write a personal account of just how much your mother cared for you and will be missed. State very clearly that you are hurt, angry and disappointed by your sister in law who was beyond insensitive - and downright rude.

Btw, I’m sorry about your mum. Mine WAS utterly selfish and it’s heartbreaking to hear someone speak so appallingly like that.

@Fraaahnces thank you, have deleted the message I sent (she hadn't read it yet) and done that. Mum was incredibly giving, and the only person in my family without a patriarchal mindset! She showed me the light and gave me the path to live in a way that's right for me with a lot of support. So I said that.

Glad you've sent something and defended your mum, OP. You have every right to say something. Might even make SIL question her assumptions too. It's very hard to break out from under the weight of a lifetime of misogyny and know how to speak clearly and fearlessly.

Too much drama..

Just tell her at the time

@heldinadream thank you! I was told by my lovely (not) father who mum left that I was a 'feminist' (in a derogatory tone) for having any opinion when I was little. That women should be good girls and not have opinions. I have reached 45 and oh my, the anger about it all has really hit so the comment about mum with dad never having any judgement for being a misogynistic selfish arsehole at times...

@Maddy70 and if you didn't tell her at the time for a number of reasons as the timing wasn't right, but wanted to defend your dead mum who was v giving and lovely, you'd never say anything? I don't see that as drama. It's loyalty for someone who raised you and loved you but can't defend themselves anymore.

Nope. Say something at the time or not at all . Way too much drama. Writing a letter is batshit

@Maddy70 Errr you aren't a kind person. If you'd actually read the posts you'd see it wasn't a letter, and it wasn't sent. Judge yourself.

I think it’s interesting that you’re furious and ranting at another woman - and one who has married into your family, at that - as opposed to the men who are benefitting.

Even your thread title seeks to blame women. They, like you, are victims in this. Redirect your anger to its rightful targets. I think you’ve internalised rather more of the misogyny than you think.

And you are blaming OP - a woman - for trying to find her way round this difficult stuff.
Projecting much?

I think the first part of your message was fine. You give her ammunition against you with the rest of it. Not right but that's the way it is.

I wouldn't allow someone to say anything negative about my Mum. Not twice anyway.

Gibberish.

I totally get your anger. There are an awful lot of women who are misogynists. You've deleted the text now, she may have read it from her locked screen. I think you did well to defend your mum at the time. Personally I'd limit the amount of time spent with them, and then only if I was armed with a hip flask. This sort of thing makes me sick. Deeply annoying.

@ThatTealViewer I actually wrote a message defending my mum, and adding that i know it's not her fault that she might say something like that. I sort of get your point, and believe me I'm much more angry with the men who it came from in the family!

@Eddielizzard Yes, it's everywhere. Thank you.