Vagina joke

[hotdogcharge]

I was in a team of 4 men (me being the only woman) and my manager. We were having a work meeting the other day when my manager cracked a joke about smelly fannies, which quite frankly wasn't even funny. I felt embarrassed, disrespected and when I came home - I cried when I told my husband.

Was this sexual harassment?

Misogynist & tasteless in a pub, completely inappropriate in a workplace. Definitely a HR issue to handle.

Definitely definitely HR.

and don’t tell them you’re sure he didn’t mean to disrespect you! He did. He just maybe didn’t want it to be so obvious. Or his barely repressed misogyny burst through unexpectedly. He said the quiet thing out loud.

the comment was as effectively about you since you are the only woman in the room. Everyone will have however briefly been thinking about your vagina and whether or not it was smelly, even if they pushed that thought away asap.

and even if you were not in the room it would still have been vile misogyny.

@magicmushrooms @thestudio Have either of you heard the term "pick your battles"? Many of us have suffered severe abuse at the hands of our employers and have been left with lasting psychological and physical issues as a result.

A joke about smelly genitalia may be crude, but virtually no one is going to lose sleep over that. Save HR for the serious issues.

Nah. I have worked in a very male dominated industry for many years and these jokes don’t fly at all. Allow this and it is the start of a slippery slope. Plus it sets the tone for the rest of the group after that.

Not saying the guy needs sacking but a warning not to do it again by HR will help his tiny mind to register where the boundary lies.

A slippery slope to what?

Is this something that costs you sleep? Would a crude joke result in lasting health issues?

Is this something that costs you sleep? Would a crude joke result in lasting health issues?

It doesn’t need to result in lasting health issues to be worth taking action.

Pervasive misogyny has a creeping effect. Accept it and you’re allowing it to happen.

Oooof thats made my blood boil. What a douche bag..

Smelly dicks more like

You must see that just because you endured a different form of abuse and were damaged by it, it does not follow that other forms are a. not abusive and b. not damaging?

Not everyone is you - and there are some abusive behaviours that damage a whole class of people and contribute to their position in society. In this case, women, but the same is true of racist or ablist jokes too.

And if you let the small stuff through, it grows and spreads.

Is this something that costs you sleep? Would a crude joke result in lasting health issues?

really bothers you that women just don’t intend to put up with this shit anymore doesn’t it and some standards & self respect.

Send an email to him and the other attendees:

Following our meeting on ……. I’d just like to point out that I consider the ‘joke’ which was made, to be highly inappropriate in a work setting, and sincerely hope there won’t be any similar misogynistic comments at meetings I attend in future. Down the pub with mates - entirely up to you, of course…’

He should consider himself to have got off lightly, if you don’t report him to HR as well.

Is this something that costs you sleep? Would a crude joke result in lasting health issues?

Is your benchmark for what's acceptable at work, whether it causes lasting health issues? That's a pretty high bar in my opinion.

She went home and cried to her husband. No job should do that to you.

It has shocked me that so many people think it's wrong. Where I work it's all banter. He's
said other jokes and said sorry if it offends anyone it's just the way I am. To be honest, the whole culture of the place is bad. I am considering moving jobs and exiting quietly rather than reporting and piping up. I have a family and no time for more abuse.

That’s disgusting and I’d feel really humiliated and intimidated it’s the only woman in the room. I’d report that and not care if it makes anyone dislike me.

Totally inappropriate in a workplace - please report it (I’m HR and we would take this very seriously). People (men) will keep doing this shit if no one picks them up on it op - we can’t tackle it if we don’t know about it because no one reports it.

If you had the guts (I wouldn’t), you could have turned it around and be all confused asking why it was funny. Like really describe how it’s funny?

Most people shrivel when they have to explain why something is funny when it’s not

Are you 12? This is such a weird response.

Haha a colleague of mine did this to someone who used the term “shirtlifter”. Just very sweetly said she didn’t understand and could he please explain 😂 Never seen anyone so uncomfortable.

I am considering moving jobs and exiting quietly rather than reporting and piping up.

This is why HR should be informed. A competent member of staff is leaving (to go to a competitor?) when she shouldn't have to.

I suppose if you work for a small company and there's no HR department, then there's not much you can do but leave the men to their fanny jokes and move on.

As for 'sorry if I offended you but that's just the way I am', fuck that. There's a level of professionalism needed at work.

Yes do Find another job OP - we all want to think we’d be brave and righteous but life & family & responsibilities intervene - but try and make sure you have an exit interview (if you have an HR department?) and tell them why you’re moving on and put it in writing. They can’t give you a bad reference because of it and most places give a basic reference like job title and dates of employment anyway so they can’t be sued https://www.gov.uk/work-reference - it might help any women coming to work there in future.

I’m sure if he was the only male in the office with a group of female colleagues making jokes about small, smelly dicks, he’d feel a little targeted too. That sounds really uncomfortable OP and not professional. I remember a manager of mine making inappropriate ‘jokes’ about my boobs with just me and him in a room. Horrible behaviour!

@thestudio You must see that just because you endured a different form of abuse and were damaged by it, it does not follow that other forms are a. not abusive and b. not damaging?

Enduring a form of abuse means I am particular sensitive about stories of other people suffering abuse, but it also means that I will strongly call out things that clearly are not abuse. Has OP lost any sleep, suffered physical illness as a result, or had to see her GP?

People make jokes about genitalia every day. No one cares.

@magicmushrooms really bothers you that women just don’t intend to put up with this shit anymore doesn’t it and some standards & self respect.

Not at all. If the genders were reversed and this complaint had come from a man, my response would be the same.

People make jokes about genitalia every day. No one cares.

Context is everything. In a workplace, in a male environment, it is not OK. I find will get offended quite easily and will not hesitate to report if required (their ego is damaged).

one ex male colleague took offence and turning up late to a meeting again and took offence that someone was moaning about his time keeping - he reported that to HR.

@magicmushrooms Context is everything. In a workplace, in a male environment, it is not OK. I find will get offended quite easily and will not hesitate to report if required (their ego is damaged).

The issue with reporting is that it can have disproportionately negative consequences, cause high levels of stress for the people involved (including the person who reports the incident), and also it uses time and resources (which is not a good thing when the overwhelming majority of salaried workers already have to routinely work during evenings and weekends).

one ex male colleague took offence and turning up late to a meeting again and took offence that someone was moaning about his time keeping - he reported that to HR.

And the conclusion of that story was that HR told him to piss off, right?

Try working in a place where reporting issues is nearly impossible because of the workplace culture.

I did my yearly company ethics training yesterday. The examples they gave of behaviours which could make someone uncomfortable and which should be reported to either your manager or HR were milder than this.