Helping with clearing up when at somebody's home for a meal.

[maryanne3]

Really interested in other people's views on this, as there is genuine split in my female friends. I have been keen on the idea of equality of gender roles, particularly with things like housework and childcare, ever since being a teenager. My partner and myself have always shared in a pretty pragmatic manner, and we also have equal earning power. Cooking and cleaning up is shared rigorously.

It always surprises me though when I go to, lets say 'more traditional' homes for dinner, where the woman will have done the cooking and "hostessing" while the chap limits himself to opening and pouring the odd bottle of wine, that there seems to be an expectation that the women of the group will get up and help the hostess clear up while the blokes sit around the table discussing football or whatever. This has so irritated me in the past that I have started refusing to budge; ignoring any gentle hints to the contrary, (I swear one 'more traditional' husband actually glares as at me because I am not helping his wife out, when I know for a fact he will not have lifted a finger, before, during or after the meal). There is a side of me which feels bad; the poor woman is being left to do it all herself, but honestly, why can't everybody help and halve the time of the chore?

I do think of suggesting this sometimes, but I do not want to make a scene. Am I rude, or am I right to stick to my guns?

Right, so you're expecting your traditional friends to be more feminist than your feminist husband?

I have never seen this within my friendship group.

Ooh I hate this, and agree with posters saying you should approach it with your husband to try and initiate next time.

Reminds me that I'd seen this happen in my wider family, but thought it was a 'older generation' sexist thing, I was a bit gobsmacked when I went to a dinner in my twenties (in my thirties now) and found the same happening.
I had been so convinced that it wasn't something people my age would do, that I initially just though 'wow, Dave, John and Dan were SO rude not helping clear up just then' and it took a minute for the realisation to dawn....

I wouldn't dream of letting guests clear/wash up in my home, but I'd always offer in someone else's.
That said, if my friend's values didn't align with mine then I probably wouldn't be going to their houses for meals.
I even remember my grandfather (born in 1917) doing the clearing and washing up after my granmother did the cooking, and that was in the 80s and 90s, and they had quite a traditional set up.

This.

Wow that's crazy even my sister's Republican (I'm American) husband helps to tidy up after a meal. I've been in a situation where everyone doesn't help tidy up after a meal.