I went to the Tavistock as a young person - AMA

[MAW1993]

I attended the Tavistock from 2008 to 2011, beginning when I was about 15. I made this post because I saw the many questions people asked on a previous AMA. Unfortunately, the OP was uncomfortable answering some of them, and I felt there may be a need for an AMA with someone who can be more open.

That's fine. As far as I can remember I have only been angered when people have insisted I agree with their opinion, accused me of lying, or implied I have been duplicitous. If you feel a question has not been sufficiently explored or want to approach it from another angle I have no issue with that. I don't want debate to be shut down and simply thought the thread had come to an end naturally.

So here goes - I must be honest that I can understand the concern that arose regarding a toddler being horrified by their private parts. I think the anger that those questions triggered has created an elephant in the room. I know there are others who share concerns about what could have triggered that despite not saying anything.

I appreciate you don’t remember sexual abuse, but it seems that distress with your vulva is one of your earliest memories. Is it not possible that something happened at an even younger age, something you can no longer remember? Many children abused in infancy do not remember the event itself, but still suffer severe trauma and ongoing mental health problems.

I think it is also notably that you had such difficulty in engaging with therapy that explored your distress regarding your genitals, as well as therapy to help you recover from the assault. It is reminiscent of the phenomenon seen where someone’s mind tries to protect itself from recovering suppressed traumatic memories. This isn’t specifically an attack on your parents - most infants will have been cared for by baby sitters or other such people at some point.

You have explained that you aren’t able to masturbate without suffering flash backs of the assault. Most people try masturbation for the first time during adolescence. Was that not the case for you? If it was, did you have similar flash back episodes or feelings like you do as an adult?

I also hope you might be willing to speak further about your mother’s reaction to your distress about being naked and with your privates as a toddler. Do you know whether that raised fears in her regarding harmful experiences you may have had? Many parents would be worried about the possibility of abuse in a child demonstrating such behaviour.

You have also recently described how sexual sensation will be after the surgery. It seems that you will still feel pleasure through your clitoris when it is stimulated through the newly constructed phallus? Do you not think it is likely that such a sensation would trigger the same flashbacks and distress as masturbation does now? I really fear you expect a resolution will occur as a result of the surgery and how it could affect you if that is not the case.

I know others and possibly you may be upset to see this topic raised again. However ultimately, you report extreme distress with your genitals from a very young age. You also have spoken about your fear of undressing, undergoing medical examinations, having romantic relationships / sex, and being in spaces with men. Those kinds of feelings are all very strongly associated with childhood abuse. You have been very clear about your wish to see children suffering similar distress protected from abuse or harmful interventions. I personally believe that a discussion of these kinds of factors is key to that, considering the very high rates of abuse suffered by children referred to the Tavistock clinic.

I also am curious whether you regard the treatment you received at that clinic to be abusive? You report being advised to have vaginal sex below the age of 16, and having to stand in front of a mirror whilst adults commented on your breasts and genitals. This seems to be very far outside the boundaries of normal therapy. It also disregards safeguarding measures where children are taught that their private parts belong to them and that adults are not entitled to look at or interact with them unless they are providing physical care such as a parent or doctor.

I have omitted some parts whilst quoting you for the sake of brevity. I hope you do not feel that my omissions have changed the meaning behind your statements. Please let me know if you do.

Is it not possible that something happened at an even younger age, something you can no longer remember?

It is possible that something traumatic could have happened before I was old enough to remember it. However, I think you could make the same argument for anyone. I can see why you would think that more likely for me, as it is true that for many children who display unusual shyness about their body, sexual abuse may be a factor. I don't believe that is the only possible explanation though.

I think it is also notably that you had such difficulty in engaging with therapy ... it is reminiscent of the phenomenon seen where someone’s mind tries to protect itself from recovering suppressed traumatic memories.

I did struggle to engage with the therapist at the Tavistock, but I did have discussions about my sex dysphoria, sexual orientation and developing interest in sexual experiences with my social worker. She had built a trusting relationship over several years, which made me feel more comfortable in talking about those things with her.

It was still difficult for me as I felt a lot of shame about the way I felt regarding my body. At the time, I understood transsexuality to be an odd and unfavourable sexual perversion and I was scared of the possibility that those characteristics applied to me, and how that would colour the way others saw me.

However, if the main factor had been to prevent recovering memories of childhood abuse then I don't think I would have been anymore capable of talking to my social worker than the woman I saw at the Tavistock.

It is true that I found counselling over the assault very difficult, because I didn't want to relive those experiences. I still don't want to, and whilst I cannot avoid it in all circumstances, I do choose to avoid therapy on that matter as that would involve intentionally doing so.

Most infants will have been cared for by baby sitters or other such people at some point.

Other than my parents, I was watched by either my grandmother or my uncle as they both lived nearby.

Most people try masturbation for the first time during adolescence. Was that not the case for you? If it was, did you have similar flash back episodes or feelings like you do as an adult?

I did experiment with masturbation once I had begun puberty but when your genitals are distressing to you it is hard to find that enjoyable. Whether right or wrong, the main thing I would feel was unhappiness and shame so I never took it any further than the early exploration. I tried again at an older age, after my libido rose with testosterone use. The same feelings also arose but the flashbacks were new and specific to the incident despite not interacting with the body parts involved in that event. I did not have that experience as a teenager. I have also experienced vivid memories and dreams about the event in non-sexual contexts, but again that is only something that has occurred as an adult.

I also hope you might be willing to speak further about your mother’s reaction to your distress ... do you know whether that raised fears in her regarding harmful experiences you may have had?

My mother noticed I would hide my privates from her from around the age of 2. She was worried as it is unusual for children to be shy about their body at that age and she had never seen such behaviour from my brother. I'm not aware that she ever specifically worried about sexual abuse though. When I started school it was noticed that I would get upset or claim to be ill when asked to get changed for P.E. That did raise concern and resulted in me being examined by the school nurse and referred to see a child psychologist. I remember being told I was going to go and 'talk to a nice lady'. The memory is fuzzy so I'm not sure of my exact age, but I know it was some point in reception. I don't know any of the specifics of the psychologist's report, but I can only assume that my mum and the school were reassured as I never saw her or anyone else again until my depression and suicidality at the age of 13.

It seems that you will still feel pleasure through your clitoris ... do you not think it is likely that such a sensation would trigger the same flashbacks

You are correct that I will only experience sexual sensation via indirect stimulation of the clitoris to begin with. This may change within a few years, if the coapted nerve is able to grow into the neophallus, however there is no guarantee of that happening. I do worry about continued issues of difficult memories and emotions coming back up in response to sexual sensation. However, as I mentioned above, those feelings have arisen despite the sensation, specific body part and type of interaction being different to what I experienced during the assault.

I don't know that there is anything I can do about it as it is an involuntary reaction and not within conscious control. That said, my motivation for phalloplasty is not to try and address that issue, but rather to address my sex dysphoria. I don't believe it will lead to any degree of improvement because I don't really touch or interact with my vagina, and if flashbacks can occur despite that then I don't see how removing it would improve the issue. I will also still retain other parts of my body that were involved in the assault so I don't see it as a mechanism by which to remove all the body parts associated with those memories. Instead, I think I will be much more at peace with my body if it more closely resembles that of a man.

You report being advised to have vaginal sex below the age of 16, and having to stand in front of a mirror whilst adults commented on your breasts and genitals.

I do need to clarify something about the looking in the mirror exercise I mentioned before. That was the main activity during my first session with the therapist. It began with talking about body parts that were not sex specific, before moving on to my genitals and developing figure and breasts. The therapist asked me to comment positively on my body rather than commenting on my body herself. I felt uncomfortable when the discussion turned to my female characteristics because I did not feel positive about them. I said as much and she then suggested positive things that 'some people feel about having those body parts'. The ones I remember were the ability to carry a child, give birth and feed a baby. She didn't comment personally on my body itself though and she didn't look at or inspect it beyond what could be seen whilst I was clothed.

In terms of the discussion on sex that began during the second meeting. She first asked me about my masturbation habits and mentioned activities that 'feel good' to some people. Then she moved on to what I knew about sex, and went through the 'mechanics' involved (I was already aware of that as I was 15, but I think she assumed otherwise as I wasn't very talkative). She asked if I had noticed any boys beginning to look at me and find me attractive and linked that back to the positive feelings some people have regarding their breasts, figure, privates etc. saying that other people noticing such things in a positive light can change how you perceive them yourself.

Whilst she didn't ever explicitly say 'you need to go and have sex' she talked about how it was a time of discovery and that it was normal, healthy and typically expected that people would have begun to 'explore their sexuality' to some degree by my age. She then did the safe sex talk and said my first time should be with a boy who respected me and made me feel safe. That was when she started talking about why she thought it was important to experience sex before making changes to my body. My mum interrupted and asked if she was telling me I had to have sex before they would discuss treatment, which she denied. She finished up by telling me to have a think about whether there were any boys I liked and might want to have 'intimate experiences' with so we could discuss it next time.

I felt extremely anxious about the next meeting as I knew it would be raised again and I worried she might be more overt about it because I had recently turned 16. I was dreading it so much I felt nauseous on the day of the appointment, but I didn't say anything as I thought that might push me further away from being granted access to hormonal intervention. Again masturbation and sex were the main topics she wanted to talk about. She asked me whether I had tried any of the solo activities she mentioned last time. I hadn't, but lied as I thought it was what she wanted from me and she was then keen to know how it had impacted on my sex dysphoria. This time she was more pushy about asking me to explain my feelings regarding sex and said that she was the specialist and I needed to properly engage with discussions. My mother interrupted again, but she argued that the discussion was essential because experiencing sexual pleasure and intimacy might resolve my distress regarding my genitals, was a core experience required to fully explore what it meant to be female, and that if I did not enjoy the experience that would clarify the persistence of my sex dysphoria across multiple domains and increase their confidence that hormonal intervention was suitable. However, by that point I had begun to cry and so my mother ended the meeting and I never went back again.

As an adult, I think it was really inappropriate, and especially so considering my age. I had made it clear that I did not want to have sex and had disclosed my attraction to girls and not boys very early in the first meeting with her. It was really shocking and upsetting to me that a therapist at a specialised clinic didn't seem to want to engage with or make any effort to understand my sexuality, nor respect my wish not to have sex. She was always very careful to avoid explicitly stating that it was expected of me, but that was the feeling that my mother and I were left with.

As to whether their practises were abusive, I honestly don't know what to think. I found them very traumatic and I know other young people who attended at a similar time and also had awful experiences. I can only assume their intentions were to clarify the nature of my dysphoria, explore the costs and things I would lose through physical transition, and try to identify any factors that might be underlying everything. But I think it was done very badly and there didn't seem to be any thought given about the message a child would take away from the discussions. They also didn't seem in any way concerned about whether they upset me and it felt like they saw themselves as entitled to probe into any part of my life in any way they wanted. I felt I had to subject myself to it all in order to be granted access to the intervention that I wanted. I recognise now that my wish to be granted rapid access to hormonal intervention was not well thought out, or something that it would have been safe or reasonable for the therapist to have facilitated so soon after meeting me. But that should have been explained by going through the benefits and risks, and the reasons why it was important to take a slower approach. It shouldn't have been the case that I felt like I simply hadn't jumped through enough hoops, and that humiliation, invasive questioning and specific sexual experiences were a requirement to being given access to the treatment that I was desperate for.

Thank you for another in depth response OP. Sorry I am taking my time to reply, it involves sensitive matters so I want to make sure I write carefully and avoid saying something damaging by mistake.

I’m glad you were able to talk to your social worker about those parts of your life even if it was hard at times. I'd be curious to know if she explored some other topics with you. In particular your family relationships, your romantic relationship in college, your childhood before meeting her, and checking if you had any experiences of harassment, abuse or neglect?

I do understand that it is still too painful for you to revisit the memories regarding the rape and I’m so sorry that they continue to haunt you.

You mention being watched by your grandmother and uncle. How was your relationship with them growing up, and now as an adult?

You made one statement that I am a little confused about and I was hoping you could clarify. You seem to be saying that attempts at masturbation did not involve touching your genitals due to the feelings related to the assault? Of course I’m not asking for a detailed breakdown of your personal activities, I was just hoping you could clarify what you mean exactly, is it more about fantasy than physical?

Can I also check that I am right in understanding that the school nurse examined you for signs of abuse when you were about 4/5, in response to concerns from your teachers? And that was followed by her making a referral to a specialist? Or am I misinterpreting that? Do you know whether social services were involved in the assessment process at all? I appreciate you don’t have access to the report but perhaps you could say a little more about what you remember or whether your mum told you anything at an older age.

I do appreciate how sexual assault violates the whole body and psyche. But I think there is a difference between the effect it has on our relationship with the body parts directly involved compared to the other parts of our body. I understand that phalloplasty will remove or change the parts that was directly involved, which is what triggered my fear that you might see it as a way to cope with what happened.

I think the way you were treated as a child at the Tavistock clinic is very concerning. There is a big difference between exploring whether a 15 year old is having sex, discussing their sexual orientation in a non judgmental fashion, and educating them on safe sex practises versus implying they are abnormal for not being ready yet or choosing to abstain.

It feels very inappropriate and prurient to me that she suggested you try specific masturbation techniques, and expected you to report back on that. I don’t believe in stigmatising young people for masturbation but surely that should be a private matter for them to try without the interference of an adult.

I also am shocked to hear that she advocated you base your self worth on the unwanted attention of boys, and implied that a same sex attracted girl should simply get over that, find a nice boy and let him take her virginity. I’m glad your mum was there to advocate for you. I know you found it hard to talk in front of her, but for me that highlights the importance of parents being present. It is clear that inappropriate practises have been used for a long time in child gender clinics and the thought of how things would have gone had you been alone is very concerning.

The message I would have taken from their interventions was that the positive parts of being a woman included being leered at by men, being expected to let them have sex with me, being made pregnant and having to go through labour/birth all against my wishes. I would have thought that such propositions would be scary to any young girl. Especially for one still adjusting to the changes occurring with puberty and already distressed about her sex. I can only imagine how fearful that must have made you feel about your future.

I am relieved to hear that your body was not commented on by adults personally and that you were not made to undress whilst attending the clinic but still think the activity was very dubious and harmful. Was the woman you have mentioned the only person you saw there or did you meet other staff? If so, what were they like?

Whilst she didn't ever explicitly say 'you need to go and have sex' she talked about how it was a time of discovery and that it was normal, healthy and typically expected that people would have begun to 'explore their sexuality' to some degree by my age.

Bloody hell. At 15? I was at university before I so much as recognised that I had any sexual twinges; mid twenties before actual sexual experience. (Had a nice time with it since, I was just a slow starter.)

That wasn't even unusual amongst my admittedly nerdy peer group. Some people just take longer.

In particular your family relationships, your romantic relationship in college, your childhood before meeting her, and checking if you had any experiences of harassment, abuse or neglect?

We talked about my family a lot, and the difficulty I had in my relationship with my dad. Less so about my mum and brother because I have always gotten on well with them.

She did ask about my childhood basically as far back as I could remember and a lot of that was intertwined with asking me about my family, experiences at school, friends or lack thereof etc.

We talked about my girlfriend from college and how I felt about her desire to become sexually involved. My social worker didn't put any pressure on me either way, we just talked about how I felt and what my worries were. And then we discussed things like what made someone a good partner, how to have a safe and fulfilling relationship, and how I could know it was the right time if I decided to have sex.

She was always very sensitive in how she asked things and it never felt like I was being quizzed or she was searching for evidence of abuse or such. However, she would easily get me to talk about things like the difficulty I was having with my dad. He definitely wasn't warm or particularly loving whilst I was growing up, and he used to have a nasty temper. He was never violent or abusive, in fact he would speak very quietly when angry. But the look he would get on his face was enough that my brother and I were afraid of doing anything to anger him. He is very different now and I think he was very much a product of his own upbringing by two Holocaust survivors who had suffered horrendous trauma.

I would end up talking about things like that with her without even realising. Reflecting back as an adult, it was clear safeguarding must have always been a priority to her. However, she was very skilled and would bring things up in a way where it didn't feel like a big deal or something I should be on edge about.

You mention being watched by your grandmother and uncle. How was your relationship with them growing up, and now as an adult?

Both my brother and I adored our grandma. We would go round to her house regularly as she only lived down the street and my mum and her were very close. She would always have activities prepared for us like arts and crafts and took us out to the pantomime every Christmas. Sadly she died of endometrial cancer when I was about 5 or 6. My brother is a little older and was very badly affected by her death, but I was too young to fully understand.

I don't remember my uncle. He and my dad had a big falling out when I was a kid and my mum didn't like him. He only looked after us for a few weeks when my mum was in hospital during the day when my dad was at work. He had a heart attack when I was a teenager but we didn't go to the funeral and we have never had that much to do with my dad's side of the family in general.

You seem to be saying that attempts at masturbation did not involve touching your genitals due to the feelings related to the assault?

Sorry if I was unclear, I was trying to avoid being too crude. My attempts at masturbation focused on stimulation of the clitoris rather than interacting with the vagina or anywhere else, hence why I wasn't expecting it to bring those memories back.

Can I also check that I am right in understanding that the school nurse examined you for signs of abuse when you were about 4/5, in response to concerns from your teachers? And that was followed by her making a referral to a specialist? Or am I misinterpreting that? Do you know whether social services were involved in the assessment process at all? I appreciate you don’t have access to the report but perhaps you could say a little more about what you remember or whether your mum told you anything at an older age.

To be honest the only thing that I remember was speaking to the psychologist, which I think is because my mum explained it to me as a special treat so I wouldn't be scared or upset. I remember it being fun and that we played with toys and games so I think that is why it stuck with me, even if it is a pretty distant memory.

I don't remember being examined by the nurse but I think the referral to the psychologist must have been on the request of my teacher. My mum told me about it when I was older and explained the teacher had called her to a meeting after school one day. She told my mum that she was worried about my reaction to getting undressed and she had raised it as a safeguarding concern. My mum was really upset and felt like she was being accused of being a bad parent. The teacher told her that wasn't the case but that because such behaviour can be caused by children trying to cover up bruising or having experienced sexual abuse, she felt she had to report it. I don't know whether social services were ever involved and I only remember having spoken to the psychologist, but not any details of what we talked about.

My mum told me that I went in to talk to the psychologist alone and then there was a discussion with my mum and dad without me. I had told the psychologist about an incident where my dad shouted at me for accidently waking him up at night. I had been feeling ill and was trying to get my mum but wasn't quiet and he had an early start for work. The psychologist admonished him for that and said that a young child should feel able to go to a parent at any hour if ill or upset. He got very defensive and angry over it and tried to turn it on my mum by saying she spoiled us and that was why I wouldn't get changed when told to by a teacher. I know there was a lot of strife between them during those years, as they had very different views on parenting, but that experience really exposed it. I was completely oblivious to it all at the time as my mum always tried to protect us from upsetting things.

I understand that phalloplasty will remove or change the parts that was directly involved, which is what triggered my fear that you might see it as a way to cope with what happened.

You have misunderstood me, but again it is my fault for trying to avoid being too explicit. The assault took place over several hours, there were several incidents of rape, and the type was varied, which I think is why some of my injuries were severe. To be blunt, he also raped me orally and anally, not just vaginally. Not all of those body parts will be affected by phalloplasty, which is why it wouldn't make sense for me to see it as a way to get rid of them or the issue I have being intimate. I'm not sure anything can be done about it so it is just something that I have to live with.

I think the way you were treated as a child at the Tavistock clinic is very concerning. There is a big difference between exploring whether a 15 year old is having sex, discussing their sexual orientation in a non judgmental fashion, and educating them on safe sex practises versus implying they are abnormal for not being ready yet or choosing to abstain.

This is how the therapeutic social worker went about it, which never felt invasive or humiliating. Sometimes I would struggle to talk about something or feel embarrassed but she never pushed things and would just bring it back up at another time, or take a different approach etc. Realistically many teenagers will begin to be curious and interested in sex before the age of 16, so I don't think it is inherently wrong to have discussions related to it. It was just the way they did it at the Tavistock that felt invasive and inappropriate.

It feels very inappropriate and prurient to me that she suggested you try specific masturbation techniques, and expected you to report back on that

Yes, I felt very exposed and embarrassed. What she suggested is something I would never have wanted to do. I didn't like my genitals or masturbation being talked about in that way, especially as I already felt uncomfortable around her and my mum was in the room.

I know you found it hard to talk in front of her, but for me that highlights the importance of parents being present. It is clear that inappropriate practises have been used for a long time in child gender clinics and the thought of how things would have gone had you been alone is very concerning.

In light of how things went I am also glad she was there. But I think if the therapist had approached things the right way it would have been much better to be alone or to have had an impartial chaperone. I was always alone with my social worker and it meant I could talk about things that worried me but I wouldn't want to say in front of my mum. Things such as my relationship with my dad, how to navigate my girlfriend wanting to have sex, my feelings regarding my genitals etc. She was the one to advise I be referred to the Tavistock to deal with my dysphoria issue, as she felt she didn't have enough expertise in transgender issues. But she was truly wonderful and so much better than the actual specialists. I was really reluctant to see her the first time after not liking CBT, but by the end I was sad I wouldn't see her again after turning 18. I wrote her a letter a few years ago letting her know how my life had turned out, and thanking her for everything she did for me.

Was the woman you have mentioned the only person you saw there or did you meet other staff? If so, what were they like?

No I also saw a doctor also as there was concern that I may have an intersex condition (I didn't, it was just elevated testosterone levels due to PCOS). I had a lot of anxiety about being examined but was relieved that I could have it done with a chaperone present instead of my mum. Overall, he was very kind and both my mother and I felt comfortable around him.

I can only imagine how fearful that must have made you feel about your future.

Sorry I forgot to comment on this. It did make me fear for my future. I felt scared for my future both if I didn't transition and if I did. They stated certain things as being an inevitable part of transition which were not the case at all or were not relevant to me. For some of the interactions I had, I can at least theorise a well meaning intention behind them, but for others I really don't know what benefit they thought would be achieved.

Yes she clearly regarded my shyness and reticence around sex as abnormal. Personally, I had started to notice sexual attraction to others before my appointment there. I had my first crushes on girls from school at around the age of 12-13. But I don't think I would have been ready to act on that at the age of 15, even if I did not have sex dysphoria and had been attracted to boys, because I'm generally quite a shy and cautious person.

Like you said, everyone is different and for a lot of people their sexuality does not begin to develop until an older age. I can't see why that is a bad thing, if anything it is better for people to be old enough to fully think through decisions and make responsible choices around contraception etc. As long as there is no grooming, statutory rape or lack of consent then it shouldn't be anyone's business except the individual as far as I'm concerned.

My mum asked me if I could sort through her filing cabinet a couple of years ago. I found a copy of the report that the therapist wrote to my GP. In it she stated that I had delayed sexual development, because I didn't masturbate and hadn't had any romantic relationships or sexual experiences with other teenagers. She wrote positively about how I had engaged with advice to partake in certain masturbatory activities. I actually hadn't, but had lied because I hoped it would make her drop the subject. She stated those activities would be beneficial for re-identification with the female social and sexual role. I'm in complete support of attempts to address sex dysphoria in less invasive ways than physical intervention, but certainly not like that.

I’m sorry to hear about your father. My own was similar and I was also frightened of him, even though there was never any physical violence. Personally I agree with the psychologist that it isn’t right for a parent to shout at an unwell child for seeking help. Do you imagine similar experiences will have been common with the other children in your reception class?

Your social worker sounds wonderful and I’m glad you had her support at a difficult time in your life. I imagine she will have been very touched to receive your letter. I’m retired now but worked as an SEN teaching assistant. I have received the odd communication from grown up ex-pupils and I treasure every single one.

Was your mum aware that your uncle was caring for you and your brother whilst she was in hospital? I ask because you said she didn’t like him, and so I’d have thought she would have preferred for her mother to care for the two of you. Do you know what it was that your mum didn’t like about him, what caused him to fall out with your dad, and how old you were when your family broke ties with him?

Sorry about my misunderstanding regarding masturbation. I really didn’t mean to make you state explicit details. I just had concerns about how your flashbacks could affect you going forwards. It is very brave of you to share additional details about the sexual assault against you. Similarly, I’m sorry if my comment made you feel you had to reveal information you would rather not. I can’t tell you how saddened I am to know what you were put through as a teenager, who was no doubt excited and proud to have gotten your first job and begun to live as an independent adult.

As someone with experience safeguarding children, your experiences with the gender clinic therapist don’t sit right. It is well known that teenagers are still developing the skills needed to make careful decisions. Your desire for immediate access to hormones should have been anticipated and dealt with carefully. She had a considerable degree of power as the person standing between you and something you felt a desperate need for. Most young people would feel an immense pressure to comply in those circumstances.

I’m alarmed to hear of her casual attitude towards the significant risk of harm posed to you from being coerced into sex with a boy. It comes across to me that she was simply fascinated to see how it would affect you, and saw the possibility of you not enjoying it as nothing more than a valuable piece of information.

I would be very interested to know how she defined the female social and sexual role. I suspect that many women, including myself, would fall foul of her definition.

Personally I agree with the psychologist that it isn’t right for a parent to shout at an unwell child for seeking help. Do you imagine similar experiences will have been common with the other children in your reception class?

I agree. If I had children I would always want them to come to me if they were upset for any reason. I didn't think it was out of the ordinary as a child but now I'm older I think it was to a degree. To a degree, because dysfunctional relationships between children and parents are sadly not that rare in my experience. I don't think it was good parenting and think I've been clear that his attitude towards us as small children left a lot to be desired for.

It's hard to believe how much he has changed but he feels like a very different person now. Although my parents divorced when I was a teenager they maintained a cordial relationship and I think my mum still exerted a significant influence over him. He was devastated that my brother and I were so clear about wanting to live only with our mum.

There was also an incident before the divorce when I was about 12 and had borrowed his digital camera. I accidently broke it and hid it for ages as I was scared of his reaction. He eventually insisted I go get it and I started crying when I gave it to him and told him I'd broken it. I remember him saying 'it's ok it was just an accident. Did you think I'd be some kind of monster about it?'

I suspect all those events may have been a wake up call as to the effect of his behaviour towards us. After the divorce, he began to take a lot more of an interest in us, and I started to notice that he was more patient and kind. I went from feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around him to enjoying the time we spent together. Sadly that developing relationship was negatively affected by his reaction to me being trans, but he has come around to it over the years. We get on well now, and he has been very supportive and proud that I am studying medicine. After I was accepted to the course he bought me an engraved, good quality stethoscope. It was out of the blue and I was very touched by the gesture.

Was your mum aware that your uncle was caring for you and your brother whilst she was in hospital? I ask because you said she didn’t like him, and so I’d have thought she would have preferred for her mother to care for the two of you. Do you know what it was that your mum didn’t like about him, what caused him to fall out with your dad, and how old you were when your family broke ties with him?

My mum was very unwell with sepsis so I can't imagine she played much of a role in sorting childcare. My grandma and dad never got on, so I assume that is why he asked his brother instead. I can't say for sure though, because it was when I was only 2 and don't have any memories of it all.

I'm not sure why my mum didn't like my uncle. She has never said anything specific, just that she never liked him and would avoid him at events with my dad's family. I don't know why my dad fell out with my uncle either. I was curious as a child, and would ask my mum and dad about it. They never wanted to talk about it though, so I think it must have been too painful for my dad. They were fraternal twins, had been inseparable as children, and were extremely close as adults so it must have been difficult for him. I'd estimate that I was maybe 2 or 3 when they stopped talking but I'm not sure.

Similarly, I’m sorry if my comment made you feel you had to reveal information you would rather not.

Thank you, but it is ok. I avoided being overly explicit in case people found it excessive, but ultimately if I had been determined not to expand I would have just explained my decision to you.

It is well known that teenagers are still developing the skills needed to make careful decisions. Your desire for immediate access to hormones should have been anticipated and dealt with carefully.

That is why I always feel very sympathetic when I see young people with similar wishes, even if I think it might be harmful to them. I know how intense my sense of desperation was, and how that can overpower the ability to take a step back and move more slowly.

I believe the best way to deal with it is to have open conversations about the reality of physical transition - the specific kind of despair it may help, what is and is not achievable, the significant difficulty it entails, and how people can live to regret decisions, particularly when they rush into them.

It comes across to me that she was simply fascinated to see how it would affect you, and saw the possibility of you not enjoying it as nothing more than a valuable piece of information.

To be honest that is an accurate reflection of how I always felt there. As if I was a freak, who ought to be inspected or poked and prodded. I'm really relieved my mum took me to the private doctor. The way he treated me was completely different to the Tavistock.

I find it really shocking that the therapist talked about "being able to carry a baby" as a positive to a teen, because that really is a LOT to put on a child. Even though I have given birth I would have found that a very alien thing to imagine as a teen, I had no interest in pregnancy. Also that she focused on "finding a boy" ffs!

Thank you. I saw the comment earlier but can't deny I was shocked. I didn't realise the line that was being pursued.

My parents would never go along with anything like what was suggested. If my uncle had done something abusive to me and my dad found out I doubt very much he'd have lived long enough to have a heart attack.

I’m sorry if my post was hurtful or offensive. I can see MNHQ and other users did not think it was appropriate. It is a difficult path to walk between trying to outline safeguarding concerns and being offensive or hurtful.

It is common for people to have had to suppress feelings of discomfort, confusion or distress regarding events in their childhood. Sometimes it can be validating for those feelings to be recognised as a reasonable response to what occurred. Particularly when that is coming from an external person, who can assess known facts without having to struggle with the significant emotions arising from being personally involved.

Many people who have been abused have been taught not to trust their gut instincts and that can impair their safety well into adult years, which is why I thought it should still be raised at this point. I can see now that the underlying emotions I believed you may have are not in alignment with how you actually view the events of your childhood. So again, I am sorry if it was unhelpful.

I can't believe you thought that was ok to bring up. I'm not trying to speak for the OP, but it might be an idea for you to bow out of this thread now. You've said your piece, and more. I reported your previous comment and I'm only sorry that the OP saw it before MNHQ took it down. Some things are really better left unsaid, and I find your current comment to be a classic non-apology apology.

"I'm sorry if..." is never a proper apology. @TicklishLemur , I feel like you have abused the generosity and honesty of @MAW1993 in posting something so crass. It's not a fucking Poirot mystery - it's his life.

Try again. Or go away.

Exactly. She should be ashamed of herself.

I didn't say I thought you were correct at all. I was too astounded by your sheer effrontery in making such an outrageous suggestion. I really strongly suggest that you bow out and leave the OP alone.

Christ, they're out in force tonight. Reported.

My parents love me. Why would they cover up my uncle abusing me, and protect him from going to prison? Why would they stand back and do nothing as I started medical transition, if that was the actual cause of my problems? It doesn't make sense.

The only things that are actually known are that my uncle babysat me and my brother for a few weeks, that he and my dad had a falling out (and my dad has had a lot of difficulties with his family over the years), and that my parents don't like to talk about the argument.

If I actually believed there was even a slight chance of something like that in my background I would have asked about it.

Experts used to believed that because infants don’t retain biographical memories of an event, it would have no effect on them. Until quite recently babies were given no anaesthesia for major surgeries for example. But we know now that the trauma and pain remain and have a very serious negative affect on the child throughout their life. Our current understanding of the strong association between childhood trauma and gender distress is even more recent.

Your parents would have been made aware of these things at the time. They obviously love you very much and have only done what they thought was best. I was very touched to read how your mother explained the abuse assessment as a fun play date with a nice lady. It was a very painful thing for her but her only concern was that you weren’t scared.

They could only use the information available to them to guide their decisions. It has never been my wish to criticise two people who are clearly so loved by you. I know I said I wouldn’t post again, but I wanted to make it clear that I am in no way condemning your parents. They only ever did their best when their child was unwell, and in their shoes I might have made all the same decisions.

However, with the new things we know now, combined with several red flags in your childhood, I worry that decisions could have been made that ended up causing unintended harm. In the end, it is your life and your decision to make regarding whether you ask your mum or dad for more information about your early childhood. It might turn out to be completely innocent and reassuring. Whatever you decide, I wish you nothing but the best.