Daughters Christmas Presents

[Sweetpea1989]

Be gentle with me - this is a new board and new language to use, but after Christmas something doesn't sit right.

I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and this Xmas everyone has bought her princess related stuff, dress up dresses, hair accessories, 2 play makeup sets, jewellery boxes, tiaras, clip on earrings, and it's all just too much. I feel it's teaching my daughter she will only get the reaction of
'Wow' and 'don't you look beautiful!' When she walks into a room and she's covered head to toe in accessories.

I will absolutely manage it different next year and request a better mix of presents - but dont get me wrong I don't want to forbid her dressing up - I want her to explore and be creative and play etc but I just feel she doesn't get the same reaction or attention or validation when she's not dressed up. I don't know if this makes any sense and I'm probably over thinking it but I would be keen to know your thoughts.

Please be kind, I love my daughter and want to raise a strong independent young woman who believes in herself and that she doesn't need to change herself to get validation from others.

Does your daughter like princesses? At her age my DD did ( wouldn't be caught dead in anything pink and shiny now a decade on). It's fine that other people bought her to those things, you just balance it out with the things that you buy. DD had all the Disney Princess dresses but also teenage mutant ninja turtles and other more traditional 'boy' outfits if she liked the characters.
She had a pink play kitchen but also a blue car garage. It's just a balancing game and that's fine as she gets older she'll find her own way with her own personality. Most of the princesses have other qualities not just 'pretty' so you can praise her with those words instead.

My daughter is the same age and I would feel exactly as you do, in fact I have actively put on her list to avoid pink and frills.

She loves pink but all her friends and girls on TV are covered in this stuff and so I'm sceptical that it's her real choice rather then her trying to fit in. Kids are overexposed to this kind of thing she and her brother are all ready categorising things as 'for boys' or 'for girls' dispite living with two parents who don't particularly conform. Husband cleans and does childcare, I work and fix stuff around the house etc.

She gets pink stuff, has long hair, pretty clips etc, I don't want her to feel like I am forbidding her from it but I balance it out with alternative colours, practical clothing etc.

I feel it's teaching my daughter she will only get the reaction of
'Wow' and 'don't you look beautiful!' When she walks into a room and she's covered head to toe in accessories.

Well if that's the only reaction you can muster, that's on you, not the gifts. How bizarre.

My DD is currently wearing a dog outfit, a crown, and princess slippers. No one has commented on how she looks. She's got them on because apparently she is "Princess Puppy" and is building a "kennel castle" under the Christmas tree. She wore a princess dress to the supermarket yesterday. I think the only comment was "you'll be absolutely freezing if you don't put a coat over that."

DS and DD both got a "wow, look at you!" when they came down in their Christmas outfits. Rightly so. They looked lovely.

You're literally causing your own issue to complain about. Don't fawn about over shiny nylon dress up outfits.. problem solved.

Welcome to feminism! I totally get your unease - this is what we feminists call "conditioning" or "socialisation" into femininity, or sex-based stereotypes.

So, be strong in your knowledge that biological sex of female does not automatically mean that she must conform to the princess stereotype.

Also, you could find the wonderful child's picture book called The Paperbag Princess (can't remember who wrote it), about a young girl who rescues the prince! It's funny and not at all po-faced.

My DD2 (also 3) loves princesses and barbies and dolls… She also absolutely adores cars! They are her firm favourite. She likes tools and building toys and role play and getting dirty too. When people ask for present suggestions, I give them a list of things she likes but on the whole, she likes most presents.

My DD1 loved princesses and dolls and role play when she was 3 but really wasn’t fussed for cars. She’s now nearly 10 and loves gaming and Lego and Kinex but also pretty clothes. Again, we buy her what she likes and make suggestions for people based on that too.

If your daughter likes pink princesses, great! If she doesn’t, offer suggestions for people next year. Ultimately it’s on you to make sure she has a range of toys to play with though.

Non issue. She is 3. She probably won't remember these outfits.
It's just play. Chill and stop creating issues to Moan about.

OP I think some people have missed the point. Your discomfort is about people (maybe especially family?) behaving in a way which you think is pushing your dd to the pink and pretty stuff, and (albeit with the best of intentions and love) narrowing her world at such a young age. I would feel uncomfortable too.

Children are quick to pick up on these cues and learn to choose what others see as appropriate. And they then can miss out on things they would love as it’s ’for boys/girls’. And that can have a long term impact - there is still a big sex imbalance in some academic subjects, some professions and sports, which shows that culture and social expectations matter.

Dd is 9 now, 3-6yo she loved everything pink, rainbow and unicorn. She still likes rainbows but now when out shopping will usually select stuff from the unisex or boys section because she likes joggers with pockets and her current favourite colour is blue.

We've always just said she should wear what she likes, if that happens to be pink and sparkly then so be it. She knows it's stupid to consider any toy or clothing item to be specifically for a boy or a girl.

One suggestion regards presents would be to keep an Amazon wishlist or similar. DD adds stuff to hers whenever she sees something she likes then she buys stuff off of it when she has saved her pocket money and friends and family have access for birthdays/xmas gift ideas.

Both my DDs had the Princess stage.

12yo DD now lives in leggings and oversize tops. The only skirts she owns are school skirts (as she doesn't like the school trousers!). Her hobbies are Scouts, climbing and baking. How favourite animals are owls and snakes.

10yo DD loves dresses and neon pink. She plays rugby and is permanently trying to prove girls play as well as boys do. Also a keen Scout. Just growing put of barbies.

The point being... what they like at 4yo doesn't define their childhood, let alone their life. I had the pink barbie bedroom... and went on to get my engineering degree and went through Army selection.

Incidentally... carefully selected barbie animated films are great for promoting strong women. Shee been an astronaut, a spy, a showjumping, a fashion designer, a superhero... all sorts!

My DD was hugely into princesses and looking beautiful, but now aged 18, is quite the feminist...

My girls did have some Princess things, but really they liked dressing up as anything. We had a bumblebee and ladybird phase, vikings with swords... and a banana costume 🤣. Just add more variety to the dress up clothes and it will be fine.

It doesn't make one iota of difference what influences they have at that age. Everything is transient. They will make up their minds later what kind of person they want to be.

This!

Absolutely.

When my DD was little (a long time ago 😁)... people would buy her those things...it would ugh me a bit .. boys toys looked so much fun in comparison...however i used to buy her what she wanted... if she wanted a pram, fair do..but I also bought her cars, a play tool bench, rockets, footballs, she loved it and when her little boy was 4 he wanted a pram and she bought him one with a doll...i was proud 😁

Well -does she like that kind of stuff?

If no, or never shown an interest either way - then it's awful.

If yes, then absolutely get her presents she will enjoy.

If it makes her happy then I couldn't get worked up about it but I take your point there is a lot of social conditioning in gifts

OP my MIL has always done this with my dd, as the only granddaughter I think MIL unconsciously goes over the top with the girly stuff as that’s what she thinks all girls including dd like.

In the past we’ve had hit and misses with dresses, make up and toys etc.

But I’ve always balanced it out myself as my dd actually likes being girly. But she’s also a champ dh mountain biker… which is definitely dominated by boys!

Dd2 would love it. She was constantly wearing Disney princess dresses even though she's a Tom boy.

Dd1 preferred swords guns and her fireman Sam outfit.

I don't care either way as long as they are happy.

I know people don't like the word Tom Boy on here.

As PP mentioned, girls rugby is great for challenging stereotypes allowing girls to be physical, hardy, covered head to toe in mud and is fantastic for body image as there is a role for the gazelle like girls and for the more stocky athletic girls too.

Rugby is mixed sex and non contact until under 12s. DDs club had a girls only fun session before Christmas where all the girls from the 5 year old minis to the under 17s attended and you could see the tiny tots looking up at the big girls demonstrating scrum and tackling drills.

At the end of year party for U12-U16s there was a mixture of outfits, Christmas jumpers and jeans, crop tops and cargo trousers, Christmas PJs, sparkly party dresses, 'boys' tracksuits, some girls dancing and doing tiktoks outside, others chatting, some took a ball out and played a mini game.

OP it sounds like you're doing a great job recognising potential issues and reflecting on how to balance things.
I do think if there's never any balance then it's harder to find what interests a child outside of the ' only pink/girl stereotype' stuff. Although on these boards you'll find everyone in favour of balance I think in real life, as they grow older it becomes more difficult to balance things out if they've not had that from a young age and I think the norm is that balance is not great. You only have to look at the Christmas lists for girls say 6 to 10 yrs old on the Christmas board to see that there is very little balance by that age of what many many girls are 'in to' or being bought.
My girl is 8 now. I never needed to buy pink clothes or stereotypical girl toys as without exception that's what other people bought her. I obviously knew her best so bought what I thought she'd like.
Now she's older her closest family now buy her the cars and clothes they know she'll like (but it took a while). I now buy her bits of fun nail art stuff and 'make up' as part if dressing up as she enjoys that too. I do try hard for balance and to offer a wide range of experiences with toys and games as, partly due to her aspergers theres a tendency to fixate on things.However I do think many kids will have a narrow sphere of reference for toys and games due to marketing and socialisation as you've observed. I do also think that many parents don't actively balance the toys their kids are interested in preferring to be more passive about it from the beginning.
I'm pleased she has a very wide range of playing interests while still maintaining her core interest on cars and all vehicles. She is picking up on the social norms of the girls around her so expresses interest in the barbie/unicorn/princess stuff but it doesn't hold for long. She has the barbie duvet, slippers etc as she knows that's what the girls will express positive vibes about. She also has her hot wheels jammies, hundreds of cars, playmobil garages, car washes etc along side a barbie house. In my experience of her classmates and year group this level of balance is pretty non existent. I appreciate that in more diverse areas this may be different.
This wasn't meant to be this long!
Essentially, you're doing the right thing to continue yo actively balance things as they're interests naturally narrow as they get older and if they've not had wide experiences it's more difficult. In real life in our area which is not socially or economically diverse it's very much stereotypical toys as the norm so active toy choice is good.

It's fascinating how parents of boys rarely worry about their son only having stereotypical boy toys. They don't tend to talk about "balancing it out" by making sure their sons also have pink and sparkly dressing up outfits and Barbie dolls.

I agree. It's a great shame and in my opinion adds to the continued ingrained stereotypes of toys and play for boys and girls and can lead to the very common 'why do you like cars? That's for boys' that happens in early primary.

This is very true. I think it’s about self preservation. Although it would be nice to balance it out I think boys are more susceptible to ridicule. Sadly

And ironically the world would be a nicer place if boys did take on some of the more stereotypical female traits such as communication and feeling emotions.

We need to just have 'toys'. Play with what you want.