Help needed to explain why angry men are scary.

[psed]

I have a new partner (less than a year) and I saw him angry for the first time recently. Which was fair enough, I had made a mistake and was apologising. He couldn’t understand how in the moment of his anger I felt fundamentally scared of being hurt (I’m a woman, and I have experienced assault before).

I explained this to him later, but he felt annoyed and upset that I thought he was capable of hurting me (in that split second moment of being confronted by an angry man). He was particularly put out because he would never physically hurt me, and never has done to anyone, which I believe.

I couldn’t quite articulate or explain why I would respond in the way of being scared because in his eyes he is “not all men” and wouldn’t hurt me. How can I help him understand/see that I know he is a safe person to be around, and it is not a reflection of him, but the automatic fear response in the presence of an angry man is justified?

Imagine if you are chopping wood and your DP comes along and says something that makes you really angry. You are ranting and waving your axe around - might he be a little nervous.

All of this.

We should learn to trust our instincts.

It will be because of the trauma you suffered due to the actions of a previous partner.

It puts people into fright/ flight mode. You may have some ptsd from the past, and your current partners' outburst triggered you.

This is not your fault.

At the same time your DP should be able to vent to let off steam, so you both just need to find a way to meet each other in the middle as you DP sounds like he may be one of those guys who treat women with dignity and compassion.

Hope this helps

Men are significantly stronger and faster than women. They commit significantly more violent crimes. If he can follow basic logic, then he should get it.

IMHO, the explanation you have given about his reaction after he was angry and you pointed out how it impacted you is Covert Narcissism. I recognise it because I'm living it. Unless he accepts responsibility for being angry and doesnt' try to make it about you "being afraid" or being "uspet" because you think he could hurt you. From every aspect you DO NOT accept him at any point creating a feeling in you that makes your own internal state change, such as fear, withdrawing from him, or defending yourself, or even worse trying to calm him.

It's his responsibility as a man to control his own mood/outbursts even in relation to something you are discussing in a slightly heated way.

A non controlling/narcissitic, emotionally intelligent man will know exactly when to step back and will pick a calm moment to discuss anything openly with you. He will also understand how his angry approach could affect you and 100% not blame you or make you feel guilty for raising it.

A controlling man will act on his impulse and respond with shouting, rage, or even sulking about his pride being hurt because you thought he could hurt you. There is no weakness in a any person standing back and saying "lets talk about this when we are calmer" Don't get into a cycle where you are treading on eggshells, and trying to change or keep the peace because you don't trust his reaction. This is endorsing his apalling behaviour and must not be allowed to happen. If it does - walk away, it WILL get worse and it WILL become bigger and take over your character.

Be careful, this man is not emotionally mature and this WILL 100% escalate. He is trying to make your response your problem which means... something wrong with your reaction. Your reaction in instinctive and is 100% valid. Men are intimidating when they shout or have sudden outbursts - end of.

Any men reading, learn to recognise your own triggers, learn not to blame women because they don't accept what is clearly bad behaviour and find a way to navigate communication without any form of aggressive or controlling response. Then we will believe you when you say that you would "never hurt us", you are hurting us emotionally and its even worse than physically.

Physically a woman will be more likely to walk away, but a manipulative man who controls responses ties you to him for a much longer more dangerous period until you forget who you were before him!

IMO It has nothing to do with trauma, although that can escalate things faster for sure.

He should NOT be allowed to let off steam in a way that changes her reaction to him any way, if it does, then there is already a festering problem. A man who treats you with dignity and compassion will not act "astonished" when you say you were in fear of him. Sorry, but this is justifying the behaviour which is no way acceptable. If it is not resolved and he is not able to understand even her reaction to him, then its a really bad dynamic from the start and it will get worse. There are patterns to these things and he has this in his character she has just not seen the "real" person yet because of distance but he is coming out and showing himself now.

I think more info is needed.

You say you made a mistake, and go on later to say it was a massive mistake. Exactly how massive? Because it sounds like an angry outburst might not be that unreasonable.

don’t confuse anger and violence - they aren’t the same.

Thanks for all your replies to this old thread.

To clarify a few things, it wasn't about him being angry, he didn't direct his anger towards me or have a go at me, he was expressing his emotions (angrily saying I'm so angry right now, making grunting noise, pacing the kitchen, clenching fists to himself) and it was a valid response. I have also acted like that in the past. There was no implied violence towards me. I was in the vicinity of him expressing himself and I became scared, due to past trauma/fight flight response.

The real issue was his not understanding of why I would be scared in the presence of an angry man, because he is a safe person. He has never experienced that kind of subconscious/automatic fear, so found it hard to relate to me and didn't understand it.

I showed him the helpful responses on the thread, and he totally took them on board and agrees with me that he now understands why women might find a man that is angry scary. The thing a while back about "would you rather meet a bear or a man in the woods' also helped with his acknowledgement of how widespread an issue this is. So thanks for your help 💐