So it turns out ILs are DV apologisers 😡

[LifeIsPainHighness]

BIL (OH’s brother) has assaulted his GF.

His story (details about what they argued about changed slightly but the same kind of nonsense): “I just said ‘where’s the butter’ and she went absolutely crazy and started attacking me saying I should know where the butter is. I was scared and so I had to punch her 3 times to get her off me it was total self defence’.

His GF put the pictures of her face on social media - there was barely a square inch that wasn’t bruised or grazed. It was horrific.

BIL doesn’t have a scratch on him. She’s a slip of a thing and he boxes as a hobby. Go figure.

He was arrested this weekend and released pending investigation with an order to stay away from his (now ex) GF.

ILs have fallen for his story hook line and sinker and have gone all ‘men can be victims too’ and ‘she’s no angel herself’. He’s the real victim apparently, blah blah blah. He was always the golden boy but I particularly always saw him for the nasty piece of work he is and now he’s shown his true colours. Apparently he is going to sue his ex for attacking him in the first place and they all think this is great!

DH and I are not getting involved or offering support and in fact will be cutting ties with BIL. ILs are horrified about this stance.

But how the actual fuck are women supposed to ever feel safe when enablers support violent men who have a long history of being perpetual liars, being emotionally abusive to other women and just generally being selfish arseholes? I’m really upset about it - I don’t expect his parents to disown him but FFS at least acknowledge what he did was wrong. I’m half expecting them to throw a pity party for The Victim.

This is horrible, I expect they're in denial that their son could do this and grasping at his story. I'd be upset too in your situation and struggle to talk to the in laws again.

Have you been able to reach out to your SiL? Poor woman. That sounds horrific.

Yes, please reach out to her, poor woman. I think parents who protect their kids over things like this worry that it will reflect badly on them has parents. I'm not condoning it of course, just my thoughts. You are absolutely doing the right thing and of course they are horrified at your stance - it is holding a mirror up to them.

I messaged her on SM and said I hope she’s ok and she’s very brave for the post - she posted a picture of her face and basically said what he’d done - in her story he was high on drugs, they’d argued about the drugs and he punched her as she tried to leave the house - and I believe her.

I didn’t get a reply though but I expect she’s feeling very distrusting towards the family. She definitely has a temper on her, I’ve seen her unleash it after a few beers, but I can’t imagine a situation in which breaking her face was warranted. She’s pose a threat to no one she’s 5’2” and a size 6 he was hardly fearing for his safety FFS.

I think what’s also thrown me is if in the highly unlikely chance this was me and OH, they’d no doubt be saying I’d deserved it and put me to blame. These are people I previously thought of as family or trusted but it seems if anyone slights their Baby Boys they deserve a good thump or 3

Sadly I think it’s quite common that families excuse and enable. I had this with my Exes family, about another family member. They didn’t say it ‘was ok’ but they didn’t like anyone talking about it outside the ‘blood’ family (like me) and thought that ‘counseling’ would be the answer. I have to say I lost all my trust in them. You are right to distance yourself, and at least your DH is not joining them in their minimising dangerous nonsense. Good that you let her know that you are not one of them.

Your dh needs to do more than stay out of it. He needs to call it out for what it is whenever it's brought up.

I agree - thankfully we live 3 hours away so it’s all been communicated via texts and phone calls but OH was very “Sorry are we buying that story?! She just went crazy and he defended himself”. Honestly his siblings, parents and Aunty have all given us grief for our stance on Poor Mike and the Nasty Ex.

Please do contact your SIL. My abusive ex and his family closed ranks and it would have meant so much to have even got a text of support from my now former SIL. Instead, they funded his legal costs.

Also OH was badly bullied by this brother as a child and was always hitting him behind his parents’ back.

Then BIL’s GF (a different one) once told me BIL claims it was the other way around - despite BIL being several years older and taller. He’s a joke of a human I hope he goes to prison and fucking rots (I know he won’t though he will get away with it and go on to do it again).

I had to say I wanted to laughing at the sheer stupidity of ILs when they said “It’s ok as he showed the officers the crazy texts she’d sent to him, they couldn’t believe it and felt really sorry for him” - yeah sure they did 🙄

When I said I’d leave if he didn’t seek help, he agreed and went to the GP. Who apparently told him I was in fact to blame, obviously now I’m older and wiser I don’t think he went to the GP at all. I’m glad you messaged her. I wouldn’t trust you either but it will still have meant something to her.

(I’ve said that as I very much doubt the police said what is claimed)

I’ve messaged her my support but got nothing back which is 100% understandable but I wanted her to know me and my OH are horrified by what BIL did. I hope it has helped her or given her reassurance.

I’ve sort of been here before on a lesser scale. BIL was horribly emotionally (but not physically) abusive to his ExW, she was a broken woman when they split. He made all sorts of threats about custody and withholding maintenance and making sure she would never see their kids again as she’s crazy and ‘the judge will see that’. She believed every word he said and was terrified. Anyway my good friend is a family solicitor and she owed me a favour so we all met up one night and my friend gave some excellent advise to ex-SIL who eventually obtained full custody and BIL has kids EOW (of which he doesn’t turn up for half the time). Even though he’s basically a deadbeat dad, ILs we’re furious that I helped ExSIL and for a LONG time it was considered by some to be my fault that BIL barely saw his kids (not his of course because he’s a useless drug addict and exSIL could prove it).

‘Course the police said that. Also sat the poor lad down for a sweet cup of tea to calm his nerves.

All you can do is distance yourselves from this shit show and offer support, which you’re doing.

I doubt it too. According to MIL his experience after being arrested was like a Disney movie style event where he went in as a criminal and left a hero and had delivered to them a lesson into who the real victim was.

As if the police need some violent Scally to learn a life lesson about victimhood FFS

if u are going to contact the ex please say to her at some point not to worry, this msg is between u and her, u are not going to relay things back to the il's or anything, she's
prob petrified to speak to anyone of the family incase it gets put back to everyone else and then if police are involved can be used as evidence to some sort of scenario.
let her know u and oh support and believe her and that u are disgusted with the brother. she might not write back even still but at least hearing someeone believes her may get her thru another day x

It can be intergenerational. My ex was controlling and abusive. His dad was a control freak who tidied up my suitcase. His mother was a timid mouse. And apparently his paternal grandfather used to be up his wife on a regular basis until Ex's dad and his brothers got big enough to throw him out.

OP thank you for reaching out to her. When this happened to me the entire family closed ranks and made it my fault. They contacted my parents and they made it my fault too. Obviously I don't speak to any of them now. Everyone turned their back on me for getting him a criminal record.

I would be going completely no contact too.
That nasty piece of work even bullied your DH as a child?
Vile specimen.

I can imagine my parents doing the same if my brother was ever in the wrong about anything. It's always someone else's fault and if there is a woman to blame, even better 🙄

It's sickening OP. Some people tie themselves in knots finding every possible excuse why it has to be the woman's fault. Well done for reaching out to your SIL - that was a really good thing to do. As you say, understandable that she hasn't replied but I'm sure your message meant a lot to her

Well done to you, and massive respect that you’re planning on cutting off BIL.
I couldn’t believe it to be true until I learnt first hand, in the real world a massive proportion of people are domestic violence apologists, and I include many police and professionals in that.

I think this is really tricky for the parents.

If it was one of my sons (god forbid) if be devastated, absolutely heartbroken that this is what they'd turned into. I'd be absolutely falling apart wondering where I'd gone wrong, but they'd still be my son and I'd still want to fix it. I'd probably be paying for counselling and solicitors. They'd be under no illusion that I was disgusted with them, but I'd still feel responsibility to get them through it/turn them around. Especially if there are drugs involved .

I'd offer support to GF, but I expect the last people she'd want support from is ILs

Sadly, I think the thing about the police may well be right. They will be "de escalating" and will be empathising over how hard she was to deal with. That doesn't mean they won't then take action if she wants them to, but they'll have said soothing things at the time, even if they aren't the misogynistic ones.

Absolutely agree. My SIL who has actually witnessed my ex’s behavior closed ranks with my ILs and we haven’t seen any of them since except when they have facilitated his ongoing behaviour. It would have meant a lot to me and my dcs to have some supportive contact.

I think I read somewhere that if the perpetrators family were enablers, that this upped the risk of DV occurring again. And by enable I mean anything that minimises that reality of what happened.