So it turns out ILs are DV apologisers 😡

[LifeIsPainHighness]

BIL (OH’s brother) has assaulted his GF.

His story (details about what they argued about changed slightly but the same kind of nonsense): “I just said ‘where’s the butter’ and she went absolutely crazy and started attacking me saying I should know where the butter is. I was scared and so I had to punch her 3 times to get her off me it was total self defence’.

His GF put the pictures of her face on social media - there was barely a square inch that wasn’t bruised or grazed. It was horrific.

BIL doesn’t have a scratch on him. She’s a slip of a thing and he boxes as a hobby. Go figure.

He was arrested this weekend and released pending investigation with an order to stay away from his (now ex) GF.

ILs have fallen for his story hook line and sinker and have gone all ‘men can be victims too’ and ‘she’s no angel herself’. He’s the real victim apparently, blah blah blah. He was always the golden boy but I particularly always saw him for the nasty piece of work he is and now he’s shown his true colours. Apparently he is going to sue his ex for attacking him in the first place and they all think this is great!

DH and I are not getting involved or offering support and in fact will be cutting ties with BIL. ILs are horrified about this stance.

But how the actual fuck are women supposed to ever feel safe when enablers support violent men who have a long history of being perpetual liars, being emotionally abusive to other women and just generally being selfish arseholes? I’m really upset about it - I don’t expect his parents to disown him but FFS at least acknowledge what he did was wrong. I’m half expecting them to throw a pity party for The Victim.

It's very common, and it's often about not facing the fact that the perpetrator is guilty. People will spend a lot of money and energy to avoid that; you get some delusional stuff in the face of hard evidence, and then a spot of pure misogyny when it can't really be denied which is "she asked for it".

I’m glad you’ve got your dh. I don’t know if I’d ever see in laws again, and I’d never ever see bil again.

@preps I have sons but in no way would I pay for solicitors or counsellors if they’d beaten up their wife. They would still be my son, but I would never in a million years be paying to defend their actions to help them get a reduced punishment. I would not be writing about their ‘good character’ and counselling is often not geared up to deal well with controlling and violent people. They can hand put themselves up for a drug rehabilitation programme, but it’s well understood that the drug addict has to be ready and it has to be their choice.

If it were my son I think that love for my son would mean making sure that I do not help to excuse, minimise or get reduced punishment for their harm to others. I would be very firm that they have crossed a line, and would expect them to make serious reparations, own up to it and sort out their life.

Absolutely awful. I'm so glad that your husband can see what is right and wrong- that's the most important (for you)

@preps I have sons but in no way would I pay for solicitors or counsellors if they’d beaten up their wife.

You wouldn't want to try and do something to stop it happening again?

@Preps Counselling with an individual who is the perpetrator has not yet been shown to be effective - as those who carry out DVs can have a common theme of being highly manipulative and controlling - they will control the narrative. It’s probably more effective if the perpetrator was say, my son, for me to help him own up to his actions, to take the full blame and to not excuse. Only when he’s fully started to realise that he cannot blame others, and that he was fully in control of his actions could he them even begin to change.

What a joke. You can't counsel someone out of being violent or abusive. Anyone who says that is possible hasn't a clue as to why people behave in these ways.

I'm sure lots of things we try to do as parents aren't effective, but as parents we still feel obligated to try. I certainly wouldn't be qualified to make that call.

I don't know much at all about DV, thankfully, but CBT type therapies are successfully used to adjust all sorts of behaviours. All I'm saying is as a parent, devastated that your son has done this, I can see why a parent may pay for some counselling for him.

Abusive people are unempathetic and self centered. Counselling someone on the harm they have inflicted on someone else is pointless and may make them worse. Counselling is never recommended with an abusive person. A decent counsellor or therapist would refuse to do it.

Abusive and violent people who selectively attack their partners are well aware of what they do and it is intended.

People with anger issues are angry at many people, not just people who are out of sight at home.

Big difference.

OK, well as a parent, I'd seek professional advice and take it.

Absolutely disgusting, you're doing the right thing.
Punch her THREE times. He felt no shame about saying that.
What a turd.
How can people even accept this,
I wouldn't want any of them near me or my kids and that's final.

They sound just as bad as him as they are enabling him .
reason- denial who wants to admit their son has beat 7 bells out someone . I’d be quite disgusted if it was my son . tbh you see some people treating their dc like some sort of god that can’t do no wrong and it carry’s on into adult hood so not surprising that he’s behaved like this and lied because he can . Hopefully he will get his comeuppance one day . But yes I actually blame the upbringing so not surprised they are defending him I’ve experienced this before .

Absolutely shocking

Getting away with it using expensive lawyers doesn’t prevent it happening again

This sadly was my experience with my in-laws too..
They were the ones who warned me about his temper when we met ( I know, more fool me but I was very young). But when I found the courage to leave him they all closed ranks and cheerily wrote witness statements for him saying he was delightful and I was mentally ill. And these were church going pillars of the community

And yet cafcass time and again force victims of abuse to go to mediation/family therapy with their abiser. Make it make sense!

Mediation is not recommended if DV has happened. It goes to court.

there are perpetrator programmes for abusers.

In theory it isn't. In reality cafcass officers time and again bullied me into agreeing to mediation

I witnessed the closing of ranks in the extended family over a sexual abuse case. The parents of perpetrator just couldn't reconcile themselves with the abuse. They were church-going pillars of the community too and just completely refused to acknowledge the truth of what had happened and created a whole other narrative. My immediate family challenged this, even while recognising that they wanted to support their son but got nowhere.

My friend put in she was subject to dv and the judge threw the order for mediation out stating mediation was not recommended under these conditions.

I hate the family courts, you’re at the mercy of the judges and some are utter misogynists