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Feminism: sex and gender

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Original poster

Spinster or Tradwife? Should I settle down?

39 replies

BigDecisionsAt35 · 13/04/2023 10:47

I have a massive decision to make in the next couple of days, and I'm completely torn about what to do. I'm hoping that someone else has been in a similar situation and can offer advice. I don't want to ask friends and family for fear of being judged.

I'm a 35 year old woman, who has been dating a 40 year old man for 4 years now. He's a good man and he loves me.

For various financial reasons, we have never lived together. I suffer from some health issues and have been lucky enough to get a wonderful council flat in a nice area. I manage okay financially with my disability benefits.

My boyfriend has been approved for a mortgage and has asked me to move in with him. We went to see a beautiful house last week and he wants to make an offer on it in the next few days.

So, it should be a simple decision for me, right? I'm sure I'll piss some people off with why I'm struggling with it, but here goes.

I love my boyfriend, but I've never found him attractive. I love him like a dear best friend. Much of our relationship has been through lockdowns etc, and we spent most of our time talking on the phone rather than spending time in each other's company (even though we chose each other to be our extended household/bubble). Our sex life is pretty dire, but I didn't worry too much about that before because I only see him once a week anyway. We've never been on holiday together. So although our relationship is 4 years old it has been fairly casual up until now. We probably have sex about once every six weeks. He talks about us having a family, and when I pointed out to him that you need to have sex to do that he got very defensive and we had a big argument.

He's also not the best with money, and doesn't have the best work ethic. He's self employed in a lucrative industry, so he only has to work 2 days a week to make enough to comfortably pay his rent/ our future mortgage, and so he rarely works more than 3 days a week. That's obviously entirely up to him, but this is where I have another worry - if I move in with him I will lose all my benefits apart from PIP, which is £500 a month. After paying off my credit card and phone bill etc, I will have less than £200 a month to myself if I live with him. I will also obviously lose my council flat. Is it wise to be completely financially dependent on someone you know isn't great with money? I am worried I'm going to be trapped.

I know that there will be many women who are my age and older who will probably shake their heads at my worries here. I would love to be a mother, and at 35 I'd better get a move on. My OH will be a great dad, I have no doubts about that, and his family love me and are super supportive of our relationship. He is loyal and honest and he wants us to get married and start our family ASAP.

So I guess the question is - do I ignore my worries about sex life/finances/independence and run at this opportunity to start a life and a family with a good man who is my best friend? Or do I listen to my gut and accept that I might never get another chance to be a mother and wait for 'Mr Right'? Does 'Mr Right' even exist? And more importantly would he even want me?

Any advice is much appreciated. Please don't be too cruel about my very first world problems. I know people have it much worse!

OP posts:

RoseslnTheHospital · 13/04/2023 10:59

I don't know why you're couching your questions/dilemma with apologies! You've outlined a very clear set of issues that you are right to be concerned about.

On a relationship level, you are currently having a sexual relationship (albeit infrequently) with someone you don't find physically attractive. Does he know that? I wonder how you ended up in that situation without it being more of an issue for you or for him?

On a financial level, you would indeed be making yourself vulnerable if you moved into someone else's house, resulting in losing benefits. If the relationship soured and you separated, would you be able to find suitable housing? Would you be able to claim the same level of benefits again, and would there be a delay before you could claim? You'd be moving into an insecure housing and financial situation, entirely dependent on the status of your relationship. Which has some major flaws.

It's not about "Mr Right" or about the chance to possibly have a family. "Mr Right" is an imaginary person. You should make decisions based on the real life man in front of you and the relationship/financial situation you're in. Wondering or worrying about possible futures doesn't help with any of that.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 13/04/2023 11:02

I wouldn't be moving in withbhim.

Findyourneutralspace · 13/04/2023 11:07

I wouldn’t move either. Don’t give up your home or financial freedom for a man you aren’t certain about. If it niggles now it will only get worse if you live together.
There’s no deadline on moving in. If you iron out your issues, you can move in later, but from what you’ve said I’d be questioning whether these things can be resolved.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 13/04/2023 11:08

Seems like an easy 'no' to me.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 13/04/2023 11:09

do I ignore my worries about sex life/finances/independence

Major worries about even one of those issues would be enough for me, let alone worries about all three.

Setyoufree · 13/04/2023 11:10

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 13/04/2023 11:09

do I ignore my worries about sex life/finances/independence

Major worries about even one of those issues would be enough for me, let alone worries about all three.

I agree with this!

AnythingMuppetTM · 13/04/2023 11:12

Please don’t move in with him. Don’t give up a lifetime tenancy for a what if. You can have a family and a happy ever after in your own home. It may be with this man, it might not.

Pootles34 · 13/04/2023 11:12

Your relationship is in no way ready for you to move in together. Why does he need you to move in with him to buy this house? Why can't he buy the house and then you two see how things go?

Please do not leave your lovely sounding flat, you know how lucky you were to get it, you won't get another I wouldn't imagine!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/04/2023 11:14

Deep down, you know what you need to do. It oozes from your post. You don't want to move in with him.

SandLResources · 13/04/2023 11:24

He is a friend, not a life partner and you will make him utterly miserable over time, especially with the strain that inevitably comes with having children who would also be miserable over time.

NotDavidTennant · 13/04/2023 11:29

It would madness to give up your flat and become financially dependent on him when you have so many doubts.

Could you agree to spend a couple of nights a week in his new place to see how it goes?

JudyGemstone · 13/04/2023 11:32

100% no.

you will get stuck there.

EBearhug · 13/04/2023 11:56

You're not ready. Don't do it. If you only see him once a week, you don't know if you could live with hm. Can you stay over more nights? That will give you a clearer idea of whether living with him will be feasible in future (it may not be.) But you'd be daft to agree to it now when you have so many doubts.

TriggeredByGravy · 13/04/2023 11:58

a hard no

MagpiePi · 13/04/2023 11:58

No, don't give up your independence for this man.

He seems like just a good friend, which is fine, rather than long term partner/parent of your children. Don't get pressured by your families - there is a strong 'you don't want get left on the shelf vibe' there.

Imnotachap · 13/04/2023 12:05

Why do you think he'll be a good father? How do you know? You don't live together, haven't been away together, rarely have sex, you don't find him attractive and he gets defensive when you try to talk about things. Throwing away your independence to be totally reliant on this guy is bonkers. Throw him back and find someone else.

NewChange · 13/04/2023 12:10

No. Be honest with him, say you would prefer to live alone but that you would like to have a child and would be happy for him to be the father. If you’re both amenable to the idea of coparenting from separate dwellings.

Clymene · 13/04/2023 12:18

You don't fancy him
Your sex life is dire
You have vastly different attitudes to money
You would be financially worse off if you move in with him
You would be giving up your secure home

Why are you even considering this?

GreyCarpet · 13/04/2023 12:48

In your shoes, I'd stay put.

You don't fancy him. You aren't interested in sex with him. You spend very little time with him which would change drastically if you moved in together.

You curently have security in your home. You are currently financially independent - whether you have a lot of money or not, it's enough.

I don't think work ethic on an issue here. It sounds more like he prioritises a good work life balance over just making more money because he can.

I think you'd be daft to even consider moving in with him tbh.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 13/04/2023 13:14

So, it should be a simple decision for me, right?

It does look a very simple decision. And that decision is no.

Absolutely nothing in your post suggests this would be a good idea, or that you actually want to do it.

And stop apologising for taking your own needs into consideration.

DivorcingEU · 13/04/2023 13:14

Do not move in with him.

You don't actually want to anyway.

Focus on what is good for you and what you want. M just because he's good on paper, doesn't make him the right man for you.

Anyway, just because he's (essentially) moving house, there's no obligation or even reason for you to move in. It's not like you house hunted together and it's in your joint names. It's his place. His new home. Stay put. You have a set up that suits you now. If the relationship ended today, you'd not be homeless. If you move in, you'd be extremely vulnerable and essentially lose the option to easily leave the relationship..which would undermine your ability to actively choose to remain in it.

Greenfairydust · 13/04/2023 13:22

Don't give up your secure home and your independence for this man.

You are not compatible sexually and there are massive red flags in his behaviour (attitude to work/money and the fact that you cannot communicate with him about your sex life without him getting defensive and shutting down the conversation).

I would actually stop dating him full stop and focus on finding someone else who will be a better match for you.

LovelyCat · 13/04/2023 13:26

Dump him and stay in your lovely flat with your own finances.

You've stayed 4 years with a man like this in a relationship like this when you were already in your 30s. If you really wanted a family I think you would have chosen differently.

Original poster

BigDecisionsAt35 · 13/04/2023 14:37

I'm new to MumsNet and I'm not sure how to respond to each individual reply, but thank you so much to each of you for your advice. I thought it was much more of a grey area than it is - the advice was unanimous to not make the move into this new house. I just spoke to him and told him that I wasn't ready and that our relationship wasn't ready and he took it surprisingly well. As per a few of your comments, I really need to think about whether I want this relationship at all, but at least I know I'm not leaving my lovely wee flat any time soon. Thank you all sincerely from the bottom of my heart. After speaking to him, I suddenly don't feel nauseous for the first time since we went to see the house.

Thanks again <3

OP posts:

Always4Brenner · 13/04/2023 14:40

No chance sexy is dire been there done that, you don’t fancy him no stay put never again will I settle for 2nd best.

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