Spinster or Tradwife? Should I settle down?

[BigDecisionsAt35]

I have a massive decision to make in the next couple of days, and I'm completely torn about what to do. I'm hoping that someone else has been in a similar situation and can offer advice. I don't want to ask friends and family for fear of being judged.

I'm a 35 year old woman, who has been dating a 40 year old man for 4 years now. He's a good man and he loves me.

For various financial reasons, we have never lived together. I suffer from some health issues and have been lucky enough to get a wonderful council flat in a nice area. I manage okay financially with my disability benefits.

My boyfriend has been approved for a mortgage and has asked me to move in with him. We went to see a beautiful house last week and he wants to make an offer on it in the next few days.

So, it should be a simple decision for me, right? I'm sure I'll piss some people off with why I'm struggling with it, but here goes.

I love my boyfriend, but I've never found him attractive. I love him like a dear best friend. Much of our relationship has been through lockdowns etc, and we spent most of our time talking on the phone rather than spending time in each other's company (even though we chose each other to be our extended household/bubble). Our sex life is pretty dire, but I didn't worry too much about that before because I only see him once a week anyway. We've never been on holiday together. So although our relationship is 4 years old it has been fairly casual up until now. We probably have sex about once every six weeks. He talks about us having a family, and when I pointed out to him that you need to have sex to do that he got very defensive and we had a big argument.

He's also not the best with money, and doesn't have the best work ethic. He's self employed in a lucrative industry, so he only has to work 2 days a week to make enough to comfortably pay his rent/ our future mortgage, and so he rarely works more than 3 days a week. That's obviously entirely up to him, but this is where I have another worry - if I move in with him I will lose all my benefits apart from PIP, which is £500 a month. After paying off my credit card and phone bill etc, I will have less than £200 a month to myself if I live with him. I will also obviously lose my council flat. Is it wise to be completely financially dependent on someone you know isn't great with money? I am worried I'm going to be trapped.

I know that there will be many women who are my age and older who will probably shake their heads at my worries here. I would love to be a mother, and at 35 I'd better get a move on. My OH will be a great dad, I have no doubts about that, and his family love me and are super supportive of our relationship. He is loyal and honest and he wants us to get married and start our family ASAP.

So I guess the question is - do I ignore my worries about sex life/finances/independence and run at this opportunity to start a life and a family with a good man who is my best friend? Or do I listen to my gut and accept that I might never get another chance to be a mother and wait for 'Mr Right'? Does 'Mr Right' even exist? And more importantly would he even want me?

Any advice is much appreciated. Please don't be too cruel about my very first world problems. I know people have it much worse!

This is a definite, 100% no. My advice is not only to not move in with him but to also break up with him.
Trust me when I say your sex life isn't going to improve when a baby arrives and neither are worried about independence and money. You don't want to be with this person

I think you know the answer OP

I have been proposed to by 3 different men, the first 2 were no’s , but the 3rd - was an easy yes, I think when it’s a ‘yes’ you don’t have the dilemma , or the doubts , its just yes, if you see what I mean.

Great work @BigDecisionsAt35 . We are glad to help.

I agree with others who have said these are major issues, not minor ones!

Minor issues would be, I dunno, you don't like his dress sense, you have different taste in music and he likes cooked breakfast and you like cereal - not independence, finances and sex life.

Part of the problem might be that you have never had a "proper" relationship with him due to COVID etc. If you weren't sure, providing it was financially viable, you could suggest a 6 month trial to him, whereby you stay at his maybe 4-5 days a week, but keep your flat (not sure if this is legal re the council flat?) but it would give you both a better chance to see what living together is like, whether you are more compatible than you thought, and if the sex improves, if that is important to you.
At least then you won't always be thinking 'what if?"

This all sounds very transactional.
There is no love evident here, no attraction.
I think the decision is easy.

Honestly op I can’t see any reasons to move in with him!

‘Our sex life is pretty dire’.

why why why would you move with him? It will only get worse, not better.

I stopped reading after that

How far away is the house he is buying? Look at LAT - Living Apart Together.

You sound very level-headed and sensible.

I think don't marry him. See if you can find some kind of middle path where you are committed to each other but don't live together.

If you marry him you will be desperate to escape within 10 years, but if you have had a child with him and he's generally a good person you'll feel trapped that you can't throw away a perfectly reasonable life for the petty reason that you are utterly miserable.

At almost your age, 36, I was massively excited to marry my DH and move in with him. You deserve that same joy and sense that you're doing the right thing. It really sounds like you're not.

DH is not perfect and neither am I. There are days when I want to chuck him out the window. However, I still love sex with him and while we don't get it on like we did 20 years ago, it's 99% the best thing ever. If it's dire now at your age, you should expect it to be much worse or nonexistent in 20 years. If that's okay with you, crack on, but don't move in and jeopardize your finances.

Exactly

A friend of mine was in a similar position, moved in with her partner, lost her benefits, his work situation went downhill (he also only worked 3 days a week and then burnt out and had to take loads of time off) and 12 years on they are trapped together, impoverished and full of resentment / loathing for one another. Her health problems have worsened considerably.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Don't take the risk.

If you want a baby have one but don't give up your independence for him.