Harder to date after learning about feminism?

[JollieJullie]

I am not sure if it is only me, but I feel like it is getting harder and harder for me to connect romantically/ emotionally with men since I have educated myself on patriarchy, feminism and why certain dynamics are problematic.

I am conventionally quite good looking and I get male attention easily, but then most of these men say or do something sexist that makes me go "eeeeewwww". I feel like the vast majority of men (well, people in general!) has a lot of unexamined gender biases which come out in full strength in the dating/ relationship arena.

I wonder if becoming more aware of gender issues and patriarchy means that I am destined to be single forever?

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be on my own with 10 cats rather than in a relationship with a useless, misogynistic man. Still, I'd love to experience love again one day

Yes, I definitely felt this, especially after the end of my 10 year marriage to a man-child. I was quite hard on every bloke I met, incl now DP.

I’ve had to go through a process with my DP. he’s from a very different background to me where women and men tend to take more traditional roles, and we often challenge each other. My view is - he can say or do something silly (within reason, obviously!), but if we have a discussion afterwards and he listens and reflects then that’s enough for me.

I'm afraId you're wrong on that one. A quick google should put you right.

Porn / sex work alone cut off most men from potential dating pool, so I’d say yes.
Yes, it is million times more difficult to even try and date men now.

And to me shared chores isin’t even that big of a deal.
The ’braver’ I become about learning misogyny, as in deep hatred that men (and some women too) truly have for women is scary.

You're not wrong op.

I feel exactly the same, it’s a shame so many men are like this,

It is tricky, my now DH is a million miles away from the men I used to date, i also have very different boundaries and a very different idea of what I want from a relationship. It definitely makes it harder.

It’s not about just finding a quality man, I’ve also find that men in general have become very off-putting. I guess it has to do with not making excusses for them anymore and not seeing them through certain kind of lense…

@MargaritaPie WTF? No it doesn't and it isn't a bottle - it is a glass. Ignorant anti-semitism.

10000000% this.

I acknowledge that there are many (some?) "good" men out there, but I just don't find them interesting. With very few exceptions, they are not as evolved as women are, they haven't examined their psychological landscape, society, stereotypes, gender roles, etc etc. They don't get it. They are just.. basic

I am so annoyed with my heterosexuality at the moment.

Obvious disclaimer "not all men lalala". Most men though, with rare exceptions.

I think they’re harder to find, but men who are reflective and self-aware are out there. I found a few while i was dating, one is now my best friend and the other is my partner. Not that either of them is perfect, but they always listen to my female perspective, and reflect on the privileges they have whether or not they’ve been aware of them before. Don’t lose faith.

Hmm, I've no doubt some women benefit from being taught what to look out for.

However, most of it seems common sense to me. I actually feel like a lot of feminists are a wee bit sanctimonious about it all tbh. If a bloke expected me to 'reflect on my privileges' before dating me I'd tell him to get to fuck.

Hi Op

I know exactly what you mean,

It's a real shame,

@DoomedForLoneliness

Your comment has nailed 👌 it totally,

Insightful what essense of issue is about

I totally agree with you,
Emotional intelligence insightful

Totally agree OP.
V hard to date once you're enlightened.
I fear I will become v bitter / angry about the gross unfairness of our misogynistic society. I'm trying hard not to, but it's hard.

I just gave up dating

Totally agree OP. It's impacted how I look at my male friends too. They're lovely guys, but behind them (collectively, not each individually) are women left to look after children while they "live their best life".

I also see the grumpy/boring/anxious Mildred aged mother alongside the fun husband and think that these men have no understanding of their wives, because if they did, they couldn't possibly be so happy while she's so overburdened.

I can't imagine ever sleeping with a man again. I find their underlying expectation of women, that seems to only show after a child or two is born, quite off putting.

Luckily I'm bi. However even that's not straightforward, because many lesbians (not all, but how can you tell) see women who've ever slept with a man as dirty, and also women who come out in later life in some negative way too.

So I'm opting for cats. 🐈‍⬛🐈

Yes, you’re completely right. I’m bi so I was dating men and women but the person I ended up in a relationship with was a bisexual man. I mentioned things like feminism and misogyny on the first date to filter out people (men) who didn’t get it. On hinge you can usually tell by someone’s profile how much of a deep thinker they are so any hint of basicness and I simply wouldn’t match with them. I would say my partner is enlightened and does recognise his male privilege and we talk about feminist issues a lot, but I’ve no doubt that there’s some part of him somewhere influenced by societal misogyny. He knows how I feel.

Yep.. I miss being in love but most of them are sleazy, even liking womens thirsty pics on Facebook is a dealbreaker for me. They all talk about sex so quickly. I go on dating sites for an hour every few months, match a few people and come off. Chat with them a few days and block. Porn, teen fetishises and prostitution, male violence make me sick.
I'm trying to raise sweet boys to grow up to be good men.

The crap thing is my longterm ex/kids dad is GENUINELY one of the good, enlightened non pervy ones.. But I don't see him in a romantic way 😞

Think relationships are often acts of faith above experience. In extreme cases, that can cross over into wilful blindness. My pal says deep down you usually know at the beginning what it will cause the end. Sounds a bit cynical but I also don’t think she’s miles out.

It seems like suspension of disbelief becomes a lot harder the more you know. Like once you study a book’s themes and structures you can’t just enjoy the thrill of reading the story anymore. If I was suddenly single I think I’d struggle because of what you described here:

’they haven't examined their psychological landscape, society, stereotypes, gender roles, etc etc. They don't get it. They are just.. basic.’

My DH is a good-hearted man, for the most part, but I put up with quite a bit from
him and his family, and for way too long, because I didn’t know how to articulate what was causing me unease. I didn’t even really know it I was allowed to be unhappy with their behaviour and attitudes; I’d had a misogynistic upbringing and had very little insight into relationships and virtually no emotion/psychological vocabulary. Clueless as I was, I also didn’t realise how great was the gulf in the way in which men and women were judged by the world. God knows how I missed that, actually; as a young woman in work I knew all about sexism but that’s not the root cause.

DH has learned, as have I, and is now aware of things like, say, unconscious bias or racist micro-aggressions, or medical misogyny, but it’s not because he’s taken any active steps to become better informed about anything you’ve mentioned here. He’s learned some stuff on a case-by-case, entirely personal level ‘Rinky doesn’t like when x y or z.’ My 14 y.o son is much more aware. If DH was suddenly single he’d get a shock, I suspect. Or maybe not - also depressing is that some of the most chronic misogynists I know are women. They’re not interested in any of this ^^ either (maybe it’s cultural, but I know a lot of determinedly ignorant pick-me types).

I can’t really imagine how I’d feel if I was looking for a partner now. There’s a lot more to think about now, and I can’t imagine it’d be easier than it was before. The only hope would be that relationships might have a greater hope of being healthy, sustaining ones…?

Yeah. I thought mine was half decent but accidentally stumbled across his internet search history. I'm destroyed. He knew this was a deal-breaker for me.

I think most of them are like this. I've dated so many porn addicts. I can't do it anymore - I used to let people tell me that it was 'normal and healthy' but it really really isn't.

They're lovely guys, but behind them (collectively, not each individually) are women left to look after children while they "live their best life".

Is sitting at a desk until you're a pensioner really 'living your best life'?

I think I'd much rather have a couple of difficult years and then forever work part time. I probably wouldn't do this in reality as I'd hate to burden my partner with the mental load of being the primary earner, but I'm defo jealous of those women who've escaped the rat race but maintained a comfortable standard of living.

In fact, it's odd on a website dedicated to motherhood that so many women seem to feel resentful about their kids getting in the way of office work.

Incredibly insightful comment! I agree with you 100%, especially on the first bit about relationships becoming less "magical" once you have the experience to see through the recurring patterns.

Seems like love is a thing for the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I am only 33, never married and no kids, but I already feel past my "romantic naive" phase and very disillusioned.

Is it odd that in late stage capitalism women feel the pressure and necessity to ensure their own financial independence and security? Sadly we don't have a real alternative, given the state of our society.

If you don't work/ don't earn enough while you raise kids, you are at a mercy of a man supporting you. We all know how precarious that situation can be. At the same time, working full time with young kids is terribly stressful and draining, especially when there is no support for parents and many women are left to deal with the lion's share of domestic work and childcare thanks to their useless partners.

So I am not surprised that many women resent or stress about motherhood as they are afraid that is getting in the way of their present and future financial security.