Harder to date after learning about feminism?

[JollieJullie]

I am not sure if it is only me, but I feel like it is getting harder and harder for me to connect romantically/ emotionally with men since I have educated myself on patriarchy, feminism and why certain dynamics are problematic.

I am conventionally quite good looking and I get male attention easily, but then most of these men say or do something sexist that makes me go "eeeeewwww". I feel like the vast majority of men (well, people in general!) has a lot of unexamined gender biases which come out in full strength in the dating/ relationship arena.

I wonder if becoming more aware of gender issues and patriarchy means that I am destined to be single forever?

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be on my own with 10 cats rather than in a relationship with a useless, misogynistic man. Still, I'd love to experience love again one day

What did you find? Sometimes wonder if my boundaries are too strict these days. The times I have found stuff, it has made my stomach drop because it feels like I never knew them at all.

A lot of young men in particular might come from a working class background, have poor education, work in a low paid job, have no luck with OLD/are Incel etc.

Telling them they're privileged and rubbishing them helps lead them to grifters like Tate. Women go to Uni in much greater numbers now and outearn men significantly in their 20s.

Teen, anal, destroyed, webcams... You know, the usual fare... I'm devastated..I should never have assumed that he was different.

@BlüeöysterCunt I'm sorry 😞 Why are they so disgusting. Some men would say you're lucky he isn't cheating.. I say get rid, you will forever have the ick now.

I feel like technically he is. Seeking out other women to satisfy his urges. I wish I could be done with men 😟

Tbf, I don't think the majority of women necessarily think that way outside of here. I mean something like 40% of women work part time and less than 10% are feminists nowadays.

The sad truth is our patriarchal society is just as damaging for men as it is for women. Men are indoctrinated to believe that women are lesser humans which prevents them from forming meaningful human relationships. Generally women who grow up with a sense of confidence had strong male role models - intellectually, men and women are the same. The belief we are different is enforced by those who benefit from it. Sadly years of dehumanising women means there are very few good men these days. The idea that relationships are essential or even really important ls a complete lie - the more women realise this, the happier and freer we will be. Men need women for everything - what do women need men for, except to protect them from other men.

I have always been inclined towards feminism and since single parenting even more so. I can honestly say it is utter bliss single. I pay for a gardener and handyman and every two years I pay for a decorator.

For as long as you can afford to live on one income it really is empowering. I don't feel bitter either just totally u nimpressed....!

Not sure I agree with this.

I think a lot of the traditionally male roles are harder for us than the reverse. Like engineering/construction vs cleaning/caring etc. Not that caring etc is necessarily at all easy.

Definately some insightful replies which I've found helpful in understanding my SO a little better, from a caveman perspective;

We have a lot of evolutional hurdles to get over.

Men, like any human really, have been "made" over [however many years old they are,] and had dozens if not hundreds of "makers."
If I go to ford and ask for a car they are, unless I'm Jeff Bezos, unlikely going to go, "sure you can have everything you want."
Even without a better understanding of ourselves, feminism, society's many flaws, equality etc, its probably important to remember we were never going to find a perfect partner, we just have to look for one thats perfect for us which is going to mean deciding what compromises we are willing to make, we can of course as the OP suggests, just be single. That too is a compromise as to which we feel is best for us.
Anyone who sets out to find the perfect partner is just setting themselves up to fail which will probably impact them psychologically...

OP, roughly what age bracket are you in? I find men in my social circles are pretty on board with feminism (early 40s) but men that I meet who are a decade older, which doesn’t seem old to me, seem to have far more misogynistic views. I find it hard to engage with them because we seem to be on completely different planets.

Yes, definitely most men. Totally agree with you. However, I've had my faith restored a teeny tiny bit this week by a random conversation with a very enlightened guy who understands misogyny, doesn't turn a blind eye to casual sexism at work, is horrified by recent revelations about policemen etc. He's a rarity, granted but he's there and there must be others!!

Actually early to mid 30s, and the average guy out there is pretty depressing still when it comes about misogyny/ patriarchy.

I am genuinely curious, can you say what men did say or did do that was sexist?
Just trying to figure out if i had luck with men or i just am oblivious to everyday sexism.

@JollieJullie

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be on my own with 10 cats rather than in a relationship with a useless, misogynistic man. Still, I'd love to experience love again one day 😊

YANBU, I feel exactly the same but I'd rather have two cats cos I don't think I can handle all 10 🐱

I'd love to experience love and romance too one day, however, if it never happened I think there are way worse things in this world. Better to be on your own than being with someone who is fundamentally wrong with you. It's better to not compromise here and get with someone feminist and respectful than settle for less.

At the same time, even if I were to find love, I'd like to center my life on so many other things and grow as a person and then think of partnerships, children and such.

I can’t answer for everyone of course but my personal experience ranged from overt stuff like saying women who crowd surf at gigs are “asking” to be groped (he was binned toot sweet) to more insidious things that I think were more subconscious absorption of societal messages by otherwise friendly, seemingly pleasant men.

The latter is harder to spot, for me it was stuff like: a guy who to all intents and purposes was switched on to feminism getting really hung up on the fact that the word rape in English law doesn’t apply to a woman sexually assaulting a man during a conversation about rape culture in general (which he largely agreed was a thing),

men who just expect their female partners will take a bigger career hit if they have kids with little to no discussion (although I also know a good amount men who are, or claim to want to be, active 50/50 parents or stay at home dads),

men who get funny about me having male friends,

generally preconceived ideas about what “women like” or want, not even harmful ones, but just stupid stereotypes,

men whose instinctive reaction to any talk of societal misogyny is to get defensive,

men who differentiate between women they’d sleep with or date, as if one is just a sex receptacle and the other is a more worthy being,

men who operate in a very “the lads” and “the girls” way with their friends and see them as two distinct groups.

These are all red flags to me of some degree of misogyny even if they are the thin end of the wedge.

Don't date, go with the cats, do mankind a favour. Misandry has no place in society either

Are you getting sponsored for every time you use that word, @Will87 ? Or have you just learnt it and feel the need to shoehorn it into every post?

Neither, I'm just calling out toxicity which undermines feminism. Most people on here use misogyny three or more times in a single post and you don't jump on them, I'm assuming you've done so on my post as you fear the exposure of the extremist culture that's sprung up ander the guise of feminism. If so you are not a friend to feminism

Who says I want be a "friend to feminism", whatever the fuck that means?

Why would I jump on people using the word misogyny on a FWR board?

What is this "extremist culture" you refer to? Sounds a little bit like paranoid MRA-speak to me.

Nah, I just find it amusing how you're flinging the word "misandry" about even when it's irrelevant.

Thanks for mansplaining my behaviour though. Proves a point, I guess.

I cant debate with stupid i guess....

Only a stupid person has to resort to insults.