Male colleague won't take no for an answer

[Yolojo]

Working away with two male colleagues I haven't met before. One of them, a much older gentleman and the team leader, keeps asking me to join him for dinner/on walks/for drinks and I keep saying no in a polite way but he asks again and again. FWIW I don't actually think it's sexually motivated, I think he just wants/demands/expects my company whilst we're away and can't fathom why I could have wants or needs of my own that don't include him or whatever role he wants me to play for him. For example, it was agreed earlier in the week that we'd meet up tonight all three of us on the final night, and whilst I'd rather not I accept it as a team exercise (though not being paid for these out of hours meet ups). He orders a wine with the other bloke, I get a diet coke as I rarely drink alcohol, which I've already explained when we met up twice already this week out of work at his (repeated) suggestion. I've also already had to stress that I've had an off stomach and a bad back this week (as well as the period from hell which I didn't tell him about). They order another drink and I'm asked again a few times if I'm going to have a wine, again I have to explain I don't really drink, over and over again, and deal with the disappointed looks when I don't cave in to his demands on what I do with my own body. Anyway, wondering if I'm being a miserable git as he's wanting to be sociable and I'm not, but I don't like colleagues making such demands on my free time and what I put in my body, quite possible he'd just be the same if he was a woman, I've certainly experienced women pushy like this too.

Just keep saying no I guess? If you don’t think this is a sex thing (and there’s no way to prove it is) it seems like it’s just an extrovert who will ask you out over and over again. You just keep saying no, there’s no reason for you to feel worn down by it, just say no. He may genuinely think you want to socialise or it would make you feel better - people like that often do. It’s annoying I know but it’s not for long is it?

There's a difference between being invited and being badgered though.

I've found that honesty is the best policy.

It's great working with you but, nothing personal, after being with people all day I just need to decompress on my own in the evening.

whiteroseredrose that's exactly how I feel! He's actually a fairly good person to work with, I'm just the kind of person who needs time to herself, especially when feeling like this. I think people expect women to want to be sociable more too. If I was a bloke I'd be asked once and that would be it, I'd be left alone and wouldn't be pestered.

And yeah, the wisdom my got from my other colleague was 'perhaps a walk would do you good' - for diarrhea, period pains and a bad back. No, lying in bed is what I need after a full day of working on my feet. I probably should have spent a couple of days lying down on my back, actually. It's honestly like they can't accept a woman can be ill, have her own needs and not want to fit in with the their plans.

It was all about him feeling good about himself. He'd recommended the wine we had last time (which I didn't want but went along with it) and I'd said it was nice, so he kept going on about this wine all week (only a cheap local one, and we paid ourselves, he wasn't buying). He was pressuring me to drink it again, because it makes him feel good and like an expert or something. So basically he was pressuring me to buy and drink something I don't want just to make him feel important, whilst ignoring that I've been feeling ill.

This would drive me bonkers! After work I get very tired and sometimes don't want to spend time with my family, let alone a time demanding work colleague

Ok, a full week is a bit long to want to eat together every night. For three or four nights, especially if meals can be claimed back from work, I probably would.

Of course asking and badgering are different things. I'm sure your analysis of his motivation is right too.

If you didn't want to meet up at all I'd think you strangely unsociable. First night and last night would seem fine though. I'd back off quite quickly though, when I realised you were serious. Probably come back with an invitation for the last night, for the sake of friendliness, politeness and inclusivity. I would take seriously that you wanted time alone - but because I'd believe that, I wouldn't automatically think you didn't want to socialise at all. I'd think you had stuff going on but might also be selectively sociable.

I think you just need to tell him what you're doing and do it. Respond with increasing surprise that he can't remember what you've told him.

Why are you paying for your own meals? Surely this goes on expenses or you get a per Diem.

It’s completely normal that you meet for something to eat in the evenings on a work trip, if that’s drinks and turning it into a night or just a quick bite. I think you’re being a bit spikey, all this stuff about period, diarrhoea etc is a bit ‘poor me’. I’d go to supper, be clear about not drinking and then say that I’m heading back to my room. It doesn’t have to be a drama.

I work away with colleagues quite often. We’ll normally have one or two evenings where we all eat together, and some of us like to do this every night while others want to do their own thing. A couple of our number don’t drink at all, and we respect this. It is a shame your colleague can’t manage that, OP.

I’d be direct with his pushing you to drink when you don’t want to: “I’ve already told you Larry. Why on earth do you keep asking? Anyway, time for me to head off. Goodnight.”

Whereas you, on the other hand, sound like a delight!

I sympathise, OP. Hope you're safely home now and able to relax without annoying colleague pestering you. There's surely a balance to be found between not making a colleague feel like they're being left out and accepting when colleague makes it perfectly clear they don't want to eat together after spending the entire day in each other's company. It's not like you've refused to eat with them at all while away.

Sounds like my idea of hell OP. I don't often go out with my colleagues but I really don't understand to view that people who are teetotal are no fun. I drink but there are many reasons why people don't drink and its rude 5o expect them to to make others feel better.

That's good because I wouldn't like to spend time with anyone who needs alcohol to be able to socialise.

This 100%

This is why when I interview people I think about how we'd get on if we were stuck in an airport for an extended period of time. I def need my space on work trips but the norm is to stay together.

Well, I had breakfast with the other guy and one of the first things he said was how repetitive our team leader was, so it's not just me. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing though, I need time on my own, no matter how I'm feeling.

Tell him you are a recovering alcoholic. I did that once to a colleague who insisted I had a 'proper' drink. He was killed apologising for being so insensitive, so I told him. I wasn't an alcoholic but why was it not acceptable to push drink on someone with an addiction issue but perfectly acceptable to do the same to someone who just didn't like booze. He didn't answer but it was the last time he ever questioned my choice of beverage.

As to the travel issue. I used to travel a lot, thankfully don't have to since covid proved that most everything could be done remotely. The unspoken rule was everyone together for dinner on the first night, last night was usually together with colleagues from the hosting firm; rest of the time it was do what you want.

I've gotten out of a few dinners while traveling by simply claiming I've made plans to meet an old friend who lives there.

I am a recovering alcoholic but I don't tend to mention it to work colleagues. There's too much judgment and stereotyping.

When I travelled with work I always asked junior colleagues if they'd like to get dinner, go for a drink, go to the gym etc. just to make sure they didn't feel abandoned. But I've never travelled with work where dinner wasn't covered by expenses. I actually find that more shocking than your colleague possibly feeling like you ought to be entertaining him.

There could well be male entitlement involved. He could just be trying to make sure you aren't left out of things but be bad at reading social cues he isn't familiar with. He could have decided you're an asset to the company and be pushing to meet up because he wants to mentor you. It's hard to know for sure (as is often the case with pernicious, sexist expectations). Is he just asking you more than you want him to or is he intimidating you into doing it, implying that you have to or things will be worse for you at work, etc.? If he's intimidating I would be considering contacting HR or my manager as that's not an entirely safe situation. If he's just asking too much, have you tried asking him not to ask? He may just be poor at social skills and need it to be set out clearly. But, as above, it's hard to tell and you can't be sure that asserting your boundaries won't be detrimental since he's senior.

The alcohol is something that you probably should bring up with HR in a more general sense - for some (especially older men and recent grads IME) it has been the centre of their social culture to such an extent they are really oblivious to the fact it isn't universal. It's not acceptable and they need it spelling out.

You say you explained you don't really drink and therein lies your mistake I think. You shouldn't have explained anything to him. When he asks if you want wine just say "no thanks, I'll have a diet coke".

If you explain/justify yourself you just give him an opening to question your decision. Just state what you're doing or not, your reasons are your own. You could be pregnant, you could be a teetotaller, you could have an alcohol problem, you could have health issues, you might just not fancy a drink that day - it doesn't matter what the reason is, it's none of his business.

He may be bossy. He may see it as his role as team leader to have dinner and drinks with colleagues every night. Like a PP on every work trip I've had (and there have been many - all over the world with different sizes of companies) the expectation was everyone would have dinner and drinks/socialise together every night. If that's the culture of your company, then your reluctance and refusal will be unusual. The evenings are viewed as part of the work trip and if you're well enough to do your job then you're well enough to take part in the evening events.
You shouldn't be pressured into drinking. But you may want to check what the company expectations are around working away.

Overbearing twat

You say you're not being paid for out of work hours, so for your time. But can you claim necessary food back as work expenses?

This is why I’m never ‘too nice’ to colleagues and keep a strict professional distance (not criticizing you OP, he sounds like an entitled knob). It makes it a lot easier to simply state ‘no, I don’t drink, thanks’ or ‘I have other plans for tonight but thank you for the invite’. Draw a very clear line in what you share with them and don’t feel pressured to do anything that is crossing your professional boundaries.

really...not drinking alcohol makes you boring 😂

OP your problem is being too kind... just say NO and don't explain.

It is drummed into us that the evening on work trips away fall under work rules in terms of including team mates for social activities etc. It's not that you'd have to socialise but you would be asked every evening if you were coming for the meal etc so as to make it clear that you were invited. And quite often there is a business dinner or something where attendance would be obligatory.