How can letters still be addressed like this in 2021?!

[chiefcha]

I am married - lets say I am Mrs A Smith, and my DH is Mr M Smith.

Put an unsuccessful offer in a house and have received the rejection email from the estate agent, addressed to Mr and Mrs M Smith.

Now what really pisses me off is they've had no contact with DH whatsoever. I viewed the house, I have had the phone conversations with them, and I sent the emails. Yet I'm reduced to his initial.

I know it's traditionally the "proper" etiquette for addressing a married couple but I find it so archaic and quite offensive really. If it weren't for the fact that I want to keep the estate agents onside in case we offer through them again, I think I'd let them know how bloody outdated it is.

I know several people who still address all post this way, including my boss. All of them are over 50 and they see it as “just the way it’s done”.

I personally don’t like it, but I wonder if some of our older customers would be offended if we addressed letters in a more modern way.

@nettie434

Originally using a woman's initial with her husband's second name meant that she was divorced or widowed. However, that's a convention which is completely outdated, except perhaps in invitations to a Buckingham Palace garden party.

Today, there are so many differences in how people choose to be addressed that every organisation needs to be aware that this is a ridiculous practice. What do they do with same sex couples? Or when one partner uses Dr or Professor? That's why it's simpler to use both first names or initials.

I can’t vouch for Buckingham Palace, but I was invited to the garden party at Holyrood Palace a few years ago with my DH and we were addressed as Mr HisInitial OurSurname and Mrs MyInitial Oursurname. Yay!

If royal invitations can move with the times, then I don’t think anyone else has any excuse. Etiquette changes over time, and just because it always used to be done one way doesn’t mean it still has to be done that way.

@TheMarzipanDildo

“I kept my name and it doesn't happen to me.

Seems odd to get so angry because people mistake the exact degree to which you've followed patriarchal tradition and subsumed your identity into your husband's.

"No no! I took his surname but not his initial! How dare you!"“

I don’t think OP not being a pure enough feminist for your likely makes this situation any less disrespectful tbh.

I kept my surname and still get Mrs His-surname a lot. Only once has he had a Mr Myname.

If royal invitations can move with the times, then I don’t think anyone else has any excuse. Etiquette changes over time, and just because it always used to be done one way doesn’t mean it still has to be done that way.

Very heartening, Hazelnut5. There was a thread a while ago from someone whose children's school persistently addressed her and her husband as Mr and Mrs (his initial, last name). This was despite her asking them not to and being the parent who contacted the school. I was really shocked that anyone did this in 2021. Your example shows there is no excuse for this outdated form of address.

I kept my name and it still happens to me. Both that I am addressed as Mrs John Smith (when my name is Jones) and that when I do all the work, I sign, I pay - the paperwork is still addressed to John Smith.

@G5000

I kept my name and it still happens to me. Both that I am addressed as Mrs John Smith (when my name is Jones) and that when I do all the work, I sign, I pay - the paperwork is still addressed to John Smith.

How? How does this happen? If you arrange the work, sign, and pay, how would they even know what your husband's name is?

When and why would his name even get mentioned?

This has literally never happened to me in over 20 years of cohabiting with two different partners (one married, one unmarried).

To add: if a bank account, mortgage, council tax, insurance policy, et cetera is in two different names, they legally have to address it to both, and this is indeed always the case.

Who are these people who address you as Mrs John Smith and how do they even know what your husband's surname is?

Anything joint for example. Or, most recent example was travel agency where DH was just put down as an additional traveller. But all documents were addressed only to him. I actually complained, but they didn't see what the issue was.

@G5000 I've never encountered this situation. Occasionally we get 'Mr and Mrs [my name]' if they've only had contact with me and they assume that it's a shared married name. (In fact we're Dr [his name] and Dr [my name].)

That agency sound really unprofessional and incompetent. No big companies would do that.

I've just arranged travel insurance for all of us as a family and the documents all came to me, addressed in the name I had given them. And as I say all bank, council tax, insurance, mortgage etc. documents legally have to be addressed to both account holders.

I would avoid any company that was so incompetent as to send the paperwork organised by Person A to someone with a completely different name.

The only people who address anything to me as Mrs DH surname are his relatives, despite knowing that’s not my name. No idea why they persist with the mis-naming. Lovely postie always raises an eyebrow when she spots it 😊

@Cakeandslippers

Drives me nuts too. Similar issue, we have a joint national trust membership, I took it out and set up payment for it, I recently lost MY card and requested a new one, just for me not my husband as he still has his, it came in my name but with the envelope addressed to him!

We had similar. DH and I have different names. I set up membership for local NT type property. One year, at renewal time, DH happened to be taking DS there so he set up renewal and paid (this was pre being able to do it all automatically) in person. The following year, we cancelled it. They called me on my phone because that was the number they had, wanting to convince us to keep it BUT.... would not speak to me about it because I was not the "main card holder". It was mind blowing.

I do feel it's quite difficult to complain about people using traditional approaches to addressing letters when you have in fact taken your DH's name. Having said that, I also feel that it does seem that the vast bulk of modern women who have nonetheless taken their DH's name do NOT want to be referred to as Mr and Mrs DHInitial DH Surname and that systems should therefore be updated accordingly.

PS my titles are Ms & Dr but in general correspondence I just use my initials and surname; my pronouns are my own business 😉

I kept my surname but still had to produce a marriage certificate when I applied for a mortgage and wanted to be referred to as Mrs. I'm still in a rage about it.

@Claudia84 why not just go by Ms? Your marital status is no more relevant than your husband's

Yep you're right. I suppose I hadn't given that side of it much thought as I rarely have to say it! Ms it is.
They'll probably want proof of a divorce or something now 😑

I've never changed my name (and actually we didn't marry until after kids were born) but my husband's extended family sent cards to Mr and Mrs J Bloggs the minute we got married, and birthday cheques to the kids made out to Mrs A Bloggs (my initial but husband's surname) until I thanked them for lovely cards and kind gifts and told them my actual name for cheque purposes...

Also I recently updated an old work pension with change of address and said in letter that I was now married and would like to name my husband in case of whatever...I don't know, in case I died before I got that pension?...and they wrote back and said thanks for the update Mrs Bloggs! Arrghh I had to write back and say I've never changed my name, so calling me Bloggs will make any future pension payments really complicated!

@Shirtyllama

I've never changed my name (and actually we didn't marry until after kids were born) but my husband's extended family sent cards to Mr and Mrs J Bloggs the minute we got married, and birthday cheques to the kids made out to Mrs A Bloggs (my initial but husband's surname) until I thanked them for lovely cards and kind gifts and told them my actual name for cheque purposes...

Also I recently updated an old work pension with change of address and said in letter that I was now married and would like to name my husband in case of whatever...I don't know, in case I died before I got that pension?...and they wrote back and said thanks for the update Mrs Bloggs! Arrghh I had to write back and say I've never changed my name, so calling me Bloggs will make any future pension payments really complicated!

I had the cheque thing from my mother in law. Bank happily accepts Mrs His-surname, even though that is no one connected to the account!