How can letters still be addressed like this in 2021?!

[chiefcha]

I am married - lets say I am Mrs A Smith, and my DH is Mr M Smith.

Put an unsuccessful offer in a house and have received the rejection email from the estate agent, addressed to Mr and Mrs M Smith.

Now what really pisses me off is they've had no contact with DH whatsoever. I viewed the house, I have had the phone conversations with them, and I sent the emails. Yet I'm reduced to his initial.

I know it's traditionally the "proper" etiquette for addressing a married couple but I find it so archaic and quite offensive really. If it weren't for the fact that I want to keep the estate agents onside in case we offer through them again, I think I'd let them know how bloody outdated it is.

[quote BudgeSquare]@ErrolTheDragon

But why use his initial?

But why take his name?[/quote]
Boom!!!
🤣🤣🤣
So interesting the number of replies here saying how outdated and archaic it is where I’d hazard a guess that 90% of them are from wives who’ve taken their husband’s surname.
I married a man with the same initial as me… solves that little problem 👍🏻👍🏻

@ErrolTheDragon

That's a different question, and the same phenomenon doubtless occurs if couples double barrel, choose a new family name or use the woman's surname, or were both Smiths anyway.

I kept my name and it doesn't happen to me.

Seems odd to get so angry because people mistake the exact degree to which you've followed patriarchal tradition and subsumed your identity into your husband's.

"No no! I took his surname but not his initial! How dare you!"

@DiamondBright

I once bought a car, exH came with me to look at it but I bought it, registered with me as the keeper, all paperwork and finance in my name etc. his only involvement was accompanying me to view it. The dealership put it on their computer system under his name because he'd bought a car from them before and our address was the same, every time it was due a service or they contacted us about anything they asked for him, but wanted to talk about my car, infuriating. When challenged apparently their system always puts the man's name first, which might possibly be a reason explanation if it was a joint purchase, but it wasn't, they couldn't get their heads around it.

So if the previous, male, owner of your house had bought a car from them, they'd put his name as the contact? It's the same situation as yours.

The surname thing is a different matter. As a PP said, if we had double barrelled with my maiden name they still would have used his initial.

You took his name, shored up the patriarchy, and subsumed your identity to his.

It's a bit hypocritical to complain about other people doing the same, but with a tiny, insignificant distinction.

If you had kept your own name, you would have a valid point. To try to make this a feminist issue is a real stretch.

@BudgeSquare

You took his name, shored up the patriarchy, and subsumed your identity to his.

It's a bit hypocritical to complain about other people doing the same, but with a tiny, insignificant distinction.

If you had kept your own name, you would have a valid point. To try to make this a feminist issue is a real stretch.

It’s still a feminist issue. If a couple had both changed their surnames to a completely new one, or if the husband had taken the wife’s surname, or if they’d double-barrelled, the estate agent would still be addressing the letters to Mr & Mrs. Husband’s Name.

I've been with the AA for a few years.

After a couple of years I arranged joint cover with my husband. So I added him on but I was paying this etc and was the main policy holder.

I changed my policy to a different company.

Now every year a letter comes form the AA addressed to my husband asking him to switch back.

I asked him if hed ever had a policy with them but he hasn't.
He doesn't even sort the roadside policies!

Mr comes first though alphabetically. It is an odd thing to get upset about. It's just the way letters have always been addressed. If you have a major issue with it then tell people at the time.

I kept my name because it's me. But if I get a letter addressed to mr and Mrs his name it doesn't bother me. I just correct them. They change it. Job done.

I kept my name on marriage and use the title Ms rather than Mrs.

This kind of thing doesn't happen to me.

I also kept my name on marriage and use the title Ms, and as per my post DH's name is still prioritised.

Do some of you, even those of you who didn't change their name on marriage somehow tell organisations that you're married? Can't recall anyone other than our MP writing to DP and myself and putting his name first if it's something that I've set up. This includes Barclays for the joint bank account, builders, kitchen & bathroom suppliers. And car related suppliers!

I’ve just asked my dd, who recently got married, how letters come addressed to her and her dh. - she’s a Ms, he’s a Mr, her surname is both their surnames joined without a hyphen (think Ms Jones Smith) his is Mr Smith.
She sorts out all the financial stuff. Their joint bank and mortgage account is Mr P Smith and Ms B Jones Smith. Most utilities are in her name only.
Previously, their joint bank account was Miss B Jones and Mr P Smith. They were listed alphabetically Miss / Mr, and now are listed Mr / Ms.

@TheCraicDealer

I also kept my name on marriage and use the title Ms, and as per my post DH's name is still prioritised.

That’s because Mr comes before Ms alphabetically.

I find it offensive to be referred to by my own initial as it implies I’m divorced. But usually I just tell people what I preferred to be called, Mrs X is my usual preference. Occasionally my first name. I like being married and being Mrs.

“I kept my name and it doesn't happen to me.

Seems odd to get so angry because people mistake the exact degree to which you've followed patriarchal tradition and subsumed your identity into your husband's.

"No no! I took his surname but not his initial! How dare you!"“

I don’t think OP not being a pure enough feminist for your likely makes this situation any less disrespectful tbh.

@Campervan69

Mr comes first though alphabetically. It is an odd thing to get upset about. It's just the way letters have always been addressed. If you have a major issue with it then tell people at the time.

I kept my name because it's me. But if I get a letter addressed to mr and Mrs his name it doesn't bother me. I just correct them. They change it. Job done.

It’s not about that though is it? They’ve given OP her husbands first name too.

What’s worse is I get birthday and Christmas cards addressed to Mrs EX HUSBAND’S initial! We’ve been divorced for 6 years, he was an abusive cheat. Why would anyone do that!

I built my own house and despite me doing everything (obviously), the windows and doors (separate companies) came addressed to Mr icedancer.

It’s not about that though is it? They’ve given OP her husbands first name too
Indeed. And PPs also missing the point - they had had no contact with DH and yet still addressed it to him. Which is exactly what M and S Insurance did when I set up our house insurance policy last month. DH is also named on the policy but I am the lead policy holder who did all of the communication, gave them my contact details email, phone and documents still came addressed to DH and with his dob as if he was the lead policy holder. I did call them and politely pointed out that this was completely unacceptable in 2021 (or ever tbh). They apologised profusely and put it right and said they would raise it as an issue for management to look in to in case it was a default. I hope they do, but tbh the guy I spoke to, got why it wasn’t ok, immediately.

Drives me nuts too. Similar issue, we have a joint national trust membership, I took it out and set up payment for it, I recently lost MY card and requested a new one, just for me not my husband as he still has his, it came in my name but with the envelope addressed to him!

@worriedatthemoment

Id it not because its mr and mrs , even cards say that its just a traditional things If you ask them to address a certain way they will , otherwise the default is mr and mrs Who says mrs and mr ?

The RSPB do! I was the one to initiate contact, and everything comes addressed to Mrs R Bear and Dr D Bear. I didn't have to ask for it. One reason I love the RSPB!

find it offensive to be referred to by my own initial as it implies I’m divorced

It really doesn't have that implication nowadays. Not sure it has for a long time. My DM used her own initials though >50 years of marriage.
IIRC my parents joint account cheque book was in the names of Mr A and Mrs B Dragon, as far back as I can remember so ~1960.

No no! I took his surname but not his initial! How dare you!

But wives have never 'taken their husband's initial', have they? They don't change their name to Mrs . So if the wife isn't actually called Mrs James Smith, why address her as Mrs J. Smith? Whereas she is called Mrs Susan Smith, so why not address her as such?

Both practices may be patriarchal, but one of them uses the name and initial that are actually now yours. The other doesn't. One has some practical purpose (i.e. all family including kids having the same name). The other has no purpose whatsoever.

I've been married 17 years and can honestly say this has never happened to me.

Plenty of everyday sexism in other parts of life but not this one.

@lazylinguist

No no! I took his surname but not his initial! How dare you!

But wives have never 'taken their husband's initial', have they? They don't change their name to Mrs . So if the wife isn't actually called Mrs James Smith, why address her as Mrs J. Smith? Whereas she is called Mrs Susan Smith, so why not address her as such?

Both practices may be patriarchal, but one of them uses the name and initial that are actually now yours. The other doesn't. One has some practical purpose (i.e. all family including kids having the same name). The other has no purpose whatsoever.

None of it has any practical purpose.

But for what it's worth, yes, the correct form &is* in fact Mrs Husband's name/initial Husband's surname.

Afaic the whole thing is sexist bollocks, so I didn't change my title, first name or surname, but for the record, the correct form (if you're following the patriarchal tradition) IS Mrs Edward Smith (or whatever).

You can reject it or you can go along with it. But it's a bit stupid to go along with it in a half-arsed way and then complain that other people follow the correct etiquette

Originally using a woman's initial with her husband's second name meant that she was divorced or widowed. However, that's a convention which is completely outdated, except perhaps in invitations to a Buckingham Palace garden party.

Today, there are so many differences in how people choose to be addressed that every organisation needs to be aware that this is a ridiculous practice. What do they do with same sex couples? Or when one partner uses Dr or Professor? That's why it's simpler to use both first names or initials.