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Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Teenage boys - how to redirect from porn

48 replies

NigellaAwesome · 08/07/2021 23:38

I read recently that young teenage boys are getting the majority of their sex education from porn.

I have a 14 year old DS, and me & DH try to model good, loving relationships. However neither me or DH have ever had an explicit conversation with DS about porn and the problems with it, i.e. exploitative nature of porn, unrealistic expectations of real relationships and bodies, degradation etc.

I recognise that as all children mature, they will start to show an interest in sex, and in the absence of a relationship, will seek information / titillation wherever they can find it.

So, what do we do? Is it realistic to just say 'don't look at porn'? Are teenage boys just going to do it anyway? Is there an alternative?

OP posts:
Original poster
NigellaAwesome · 08/07/2021 23:39

And I'm not sure if the feminism section is the right place for this, but for me porn is a feminist issue.

OP posts:
MargaritaPie · 09/07/2021 00:47

Good luck with that. It would be like telling Germans not to drink beer.

(no offence to Germany, just a joke/analogy for the topic)

QueenJulian · 09/07/2021 01:12

I spoke to my DC about trafficking and about how difficult it is to know if people have been coerced, how high porn use can affect sexual function and how it doesn’t accurately represent real sex/intimacy so is pretty useless as sex education. I know I can’t shield them from it forever but at least they know it’s an exploitative industry etc. I think 14 is a good age to have these conversations.

MargaritaPie · 09/07/2021 02:16

Aside from potential trafficking/exploitation, too much masturbation can lead to erectile dysfunction.

The grip a man typically uses when masturbating is obviously much tighter than compared to actual sex, the penis apparently gets used to this which means if a man has sex after a lot of masturbation he might struggle to achieve and maintain an erection.

Then there's desentisation. Online can be found literally any porn one desires, there's a video for every sexual fantasy. Normal sex with a human might seem dull after watching a tonne of unrealistic-sex-fantasy videos , right? This could mean guys could want women to do things they have seen in porn.

CrazyNeighbour · 09/07/2021 06:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clymene · 09/07/2021 06:41

@MargaritaPie

Good luck with that. It would be like telling Germans not to drink beer.

(no offence to Germany, just a joke/analogy for the topic)

What a defeatist attitude. My sons don't watch porn because I've talked to them about how exploitative it is. We've talked about sex trafficking, about the pressure girls are under to participate in sex which is based on porn, how porn desensitises you and you need ever more extreme forms to get off. We've looked at the Everyone's Invited website together (where their school is listed).

It's not too late OP but you need to start having frank and open conversations now

Thevenerableswede · 09/07/2021 07:46

But porn is available to children of 9 so somehow these conversations need to happen earlier. Parents are often too late, and peer influence is huge. It is absolutely a feminist issue as it affects girls profoundly as mostly that will be harmed. The boys will be harmed as pp say above. No idea how to stop the stuff being produced though. Much too much of a business.

Clymene · 09/07/2021 08:12

@Thevenerableswede

But porn is available to children of 9 so somehow these conversations need to happen earlier. Parents are often too late, and peer influence is huge. It is absolutely a feminist issue as it affects girls profoundly as mostly that will be harmed. The boys will be harmed as pp say above. No idea how to stop the stuff being produced though. Much too much of a business.
Well yes but that's not much help to the OP. There is time to turn it around but i started having these conversations in year 6.
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 09/07/2021 09:19

It is a feminist issue and a human rights issue.

If your son takes an interest in social justice, as many teenagers do, you could make that point. It doesn’t help that some women claim to be feminists but support prostitution and porn as an ‘empowering choice’ for women.

The violent, misogynistic reality of porn should give a clear message that going on demos for refugees or climate-change victims is hypocritical if he’s enjoying watching women being raped.

grey12 · 09/07/2021 09:25

I would maybe suggest it should be his father having that conversation. I think it would feel more relatable. Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with fathers having the "period talk" but it's more relatable with a female

huniepop · 09/07/2021 10:57

What a defeatist attitude. My sons don't watch porn because I've talked to them about how exploitative it is

I'm sorry, but how could you possibly know? My parents don't know I watch porn either. How or why would they?

It's all well and good to talk to them but you really cannot know. And quite honestly, ethical reasons usually don't override pleasure, hence many people eating meat even though they are aware of and disagree with factory farming.

FifteenToes · 09/07/2021 15:22

I'm not clear what you're after. Are you trying to stop them looking at porn because porn is bad? Or are you trying to make sure they get decent sex education?

Clymene · 09/07/2021 15:56

@huniepop

What a defeatist attitude. My sons don't watch porn because I've talked to them about how exploitative it is

I'm sorry, but how could you possibly know? My parents don't know I watch porn either. How or why would they?

It's all well and good to talk to them but you really cannot know. And quite honestly, ethical reasons usually don't override pleasure, hence many people eating meat even though they are aware of and disagree with factory farming.

Because they don't want to.
MargaritaPie · 09/07/2021 18:03

"My sons don't watch porn"

Are you sure? What if they're just telling you what they think you want to hear?

Pinchoftums · 09/07/2021 18:13

I have two teenage boys and regularly talk about porn. We discuss how it's an industry that has lots of serious problems. That they will never know if the people taking part have been coheresed or forced into the role. How it's tied up with trafficking. We discuss how sex in RL is nothing like that and can often be much more gentle or fun. That anal sex is relatively new for women. That almost no one looks like porn stars and their penises are unusually big. And how porn can make you find it hard to have sex and mess up the way you view women.
They love it when we bring it up 😂

Pinchoftums · 09/07/2021 18:15

My boys may watch porn but I feel like we've ruined it for them just enough. We also have ridiculously high safety settings on our WiFi. Which is fucking annoying when trying to by a vibrator!

MargaritaPie · 09/07/2021 19:17

tbh the best way to ruin something for a teen would be for the parents to say they do it too, and so do their grandparents.

If you make it sound all controversial and forbidden, the result of that could be making it even more desirable and result in them still seeking it out but being secretive about it.

It can be a complex one.

Clymene · 09/07/2021 19:42

@Pinchoftums

My boys may watch porn but I feel like we've ruined it for them just enough. We also have ridiculously high safety settings on our WiFi. Which is fucking annoying when trying to by a vibrator!
So do I.

@MargaritaPie - I think it's really sad that you think that we cannot educate our sons to abhor porn. It's like drugs - I could say, don't do drugs they're bad m'kay which I agree is likely to have zero impact. Telling them that Jayden who they were at primary school with is now involved in county lines, watching films about the reality of the cocaine trade, that's what puts them off.

SGBK4862 · 09/07/2021 19:59

I don't think you can necessarily stop them - the urge to look is way too strong. But you can educate them about the ethical issues and real life sex. I'm a teacher and had to deal with some 11 year olds sharing porn videos recently. Like with every other contentious issue, it's best to start before they indulge. You can't guarantee they'll avoid illegal drugs, alcohol, under age sex, porn etc but they can be better informed. Otherwise their information comes from the internet or each other. I think schools are doing more and more. My dd's secondary school covered all these sorts of issues....well, not sure whether they covered porn, come to think of it.

Think you should have started before 14 OP but it's not too late. I don't agree that the parent's gender is relevant. All parents should educate themselves to discuss periods, porn and the rest. At school we stopped having a male teacher talk to the boys about sex education and a female teacher talking to the girls years ago. And we don't separate them either. Both genders need to learn about the other's bodies and issues.

Original poster
NigellaAwesome · 10/07/2021 20:05

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
TheAirbender · 10/07/2021 20:17

For those of you saying start younger, how did you open the conversation? I have a boy in Y5. We live in Dubai where internet is fairly restricted so I am fairly confident he has not seen any porn yet. We’ve talked about sex and LBGQT issues and been very open to questions etc. But just not sure how to open the porn conversation…

Clymene · 11/07/2021 15:26

@TheAirbender

For those of you saying start younger, how did you open the conversation? I have a boy in Y5. We live in Dubai where internet is fairly restricted so I am fairly confident he has not seen any porn yet. We’ve talked about sex and LBGQT issues and been very open to questions etc. But just not sure how to open the porn conversation…
I think I started with it as part of a wider conversation about sex: 'children are understandably curious about sex and one of the ways they think they can find out about it is by looking at porn which is pictures or videos of naked people having sex.'

And then you can say it's not very realistic or very educational because ...

Then you can just build on it.

DysonSphere · 12/07/2021 12:01

All good but from my standpoint there is a lot of 'porn readiness' built into popular culture - from girl bands and singers simulating sexual moves dressed in bdsm/ domination themes, incredibly explicitly sexual song lyrics, movies showing women getting off with virtually no foreplay, little affection and always through penetration and female sexuality depicted as props to increase male ego (James bond et al)

I think women consume porn differently - steamy and sexually explicit romance novels etc readily available to young girls, online anime, I think women like story.

I am also a CSA 'survivor' and I am horrified by what I perceive as mass sexual grooming aimed at children. It frustrates me that a culture of liberal and permissive cultural dismissal persists around appropriate media boundaries.

We're effectively living in a world that talks up and presents self-gratificationary sex almost 24/7 and actively appeals to increase young people's (and adult arousal) and then says: But now avoid porn!!

Is it a feminist issue? Some of the worst perpetrators of what I call 'porn rap' are female. In some videos they present women as objects who enjoy hook ups and violent sex. That is not men. It's women. Women who would describe themselves as 'feminists', 'business women', 'strong women' and 'sex positive' role models for young girls and 'anti-sex shame' etc. They are mainstream and win awards and have millions of child fans. IMO they are effectively grooming those young fans.

Through music videos, and TV soaps lowering the bar, and modern movies, I'm pretty sure my nephew has seen more sexual images and simulated sex onscreen at age 10, than I ever had at almost twice his age. When hormones shift, he will be more 'primed' towards certain types of porn and harder porn than simply the softer porn bourne out of naive curiousity.

So I find myself feeling quite cynical about discussions around online porn use that somehow ignore all the media 'priming' Porn use is being encouraged in children long before the 'discussion' begins.

Of course we can talk to our children individually early on. But at a societal level I think the problem is now irreversible, we now have 'sexual identity personas' and 'kink personas' becoming a mainstream thing now.

If we want to redirect our children away from porn, we need to row back from the trend of popular culture and talk to them early. Teach them not to be afraid to refuse to watch shared images etc.

Beamur · 12/07/2021 12:07

As the parent of a teenage girl thanks for at least trying! The attitude of boys (most of them, even the nice ones) is pretty horrible towards girls. There's the outright talking about porn and masturbation, asking girls if they've had sex yet or how far they've gone, no taking no for an answer generally. Even the lads she used to think we ok in yr7 or 8 by yr9 have turned into sex obsessives.

Pinkypenguin · 24/12/2021 09:10

I don't know if it worked or not but I always said to both my boys to wait until you've actually had sex to watch porn because it's not a realistic view of what sex is and it might sway how you have sex first and spoil it for both you and your partner.