Question - how much of a feminist ally is/ was your dad ?

[Sundancerintherain]

My dad, in his 80's now, big burly working Irishman always treated me ..........exactly the same as my brothers.
Sport, DIY, learning to drive , learning to cook, cleaning, life admin, car maintenance. All shown everything, all expected to muck in, all valued.
It's as I go through life that I realise that my group of friends had vastly different experiences with fathers and that their expectations of adult relationships are vastly different.

My dad thought I could, and should do whatever I wanted to in life and he was always fiercely proud of my studies and career. My mum was a total feminist, but their relationship wasn't equal. They both worked (out of the house and in it) but there was always a joke that mum was going to learn to clean a pheasant/pigeon when dad changed a dirty nappy - mum did all the cooking, cleaning and decorating. Until mum had dementia and he did everything and kept her at home till he died, much against my expectations.
So I think he was a feminist, and I never heard him utter a single sexist word in his life

My parents taught me that women were there to serve men.

In all of the 60 odd years of marriage and having 7 children, she had nothing for herself. No make up, nice clothes, gifts etc. She served him loyally, even when he was vile to her. He on the other hand never had to find a pair of socks, or anything else he demanded.

Boys were allowed to do as they pleased, girls were to do housework and get silly little jobs. I was last. Unplanned and inconvenient.

Examples:
I was slapped by my mum because, when asked what I wanted to be when I was older, I said "a doctor ". I had ideas above my station.
When I fucked up my exams (long story) and opened the medical school turn down before the results, I was told that I was ridiculous for not being bothered about my actual results and that I should work for the civil service like my sisters. (I applied for a different course through clearing the next day, to escape, which they weren't happy about).
Even after my ex raped me and i became pregnant as a result, they continued to send joint Christmas cards despite me begging them not to.
When he subsequently got cancer my mum called him every week to see how he was. In all of my life they called me less than 5 times, despite some really difficult times.
On her deathbed, the last time I ever saw my mum, all she asked about was my ex.

None of my brothers and sisters have had successful relationships. Can't imagine why.

My dad not at all and would probably find it an insult to be called a feminist. My FIL is amazing though and he’s older than my dad.

Not at all.
But I didn't really grow up with gender stereotypes. I had no idea girls weren't 'supposed' to be good at maths etc until Mean Girls came out!
My dad did actually encourage a love of computers and coding at a young age.

Definitely - my dad grew up in 50s-60s Belfast being utterly coddled by his mum who believed til the day she died that men should never lift a finger around the house and women shouldn't work out of the house.
My mum grew up with a working mum and dad in the north of England.
I'm not entirely sure how, but he completely cast off the sexist values in his upbringing and was always a vocal supporter of women's rights and supported my mum to be an activist and campaigner. He worked loads during my childhood, but also cooked Sunday lunches regularly and spent as much time as he could with us kids.
Nowadays he is responsible for all the laundry and all the washing up, while mum does the cooking and the gardening. They have a cleaner as neither of them excels in that area
I've never heard him utter a single sexist remark, I can't even imagine him ever doing so, he is the kindest most respectful man ever. I feel very lucky.

My dad told my mum he was happy for her to choose our names but they had to not be names that were male diminutives as “no daughter of mine comes second to any man.” And was absolutely insistent that I could do just a good job as a man in any career I chose.

Not at all. He was pissed off that all his children were daughters, and I'm sure it was a big factor in his dislike of daughter 3 (should have been the boy). I have a memory of him gloating when a waitress fussed over him in a cafe, explaining to me that men get special treatment. He didn't want my mum to work, at a time when many middle class women did work. So she never had a career or job. It was really bad for her.

I think my father was always very fair and kind to me personally, but his wife enforced stereotyped gender norms on me. They each do the traditional gender roles in the relationship

Despite my parents having very traditional roles, both of them encouraged me to pursue my education, my dad was also very keen for me to watch any minor car repairs and home DIY as I shouldn't need to rely on a man and I was perfectly capable of doing these things myself etc. Lots of positive reinforcement that I was intelligent and made good decisions.
I'd say my mother was/is less of a feminist than my dad, she was worried and questioned me when I didn't have a boyfriend, expressed her relief when I settled down, she made suggestions that made me doubt if I had the skills to do certain jobs (I'm not sure if she even realised when she was doing it), she will also still make comments that link a womans value/reputation to how many men she has slept with or how they behave/look but I've never heard my dad say anything of the sort so if he also holds those views he doesn't want me to be aware.

My dm used to say that the only thing my df couldn’t do was have a baby, which framed it as men having to prove they were as competent as women.

I remember my bf ripping the piss out of me because my df could cook, sew, and work a washing machine He was awesome for his time, and when we had company would take the baby off my dm halfway through a feed, and shame other husbands. He had lived independently for years and learned to adult but really appreciated family life, and could see how hard women worked. He was scrupulously fair minded. My dm’s father was a huge admirer of women and advocate of education so she had a great role model too.

I was a bit shocked at how rigidly sexist dh’s dps have been, though I could never say that of dh. I’ve been pretty lucky.

Mine was anti-feminist. He saw student me reading 'The Female Eunuch' & told me that one of his junior officers was reading it & he'd taken the opportunity to 'put her right about all that'.

I expect she still remembers him as the shit he was. If she thinks of him at all.

I'm not sure he would consider himself an ally but -when he was leaving home to marry Mum, his Mum told him that he was to cook Sunday lunch every week to give my Mum a week off (he comes from a northern mining family) He moved away from there and worked in a factory - on receiving his first pay check he handed it all to my Mum and he never 'controlled' the money (if anything he is like the Queen and carries no money)

He worked shifts for much of my early childhood, Mum was a SAHM but he did a lot of the cooking and a lot of the housework - probably an even split. We were all girls but there was no making us 'girly'

He is very mild mannered and lets things be. Funny enough though all three of us girls ended up in female dominated professions (though middle sister does have a maths degree)

I'd say my dad definitely was, although he died when I was young. He never had a go at me for not being girly enough, and I remember him doing the cooking from time to time, although Mum did most of it cos Dad worked and she didn't, and then he was in and out of hospital too. Same with my brother for playing with dolls - he was fine with it. Gender roles weren't enforced in our house. Even if Dad was alive, I'd ask Mum about DIY, not him, because she's the expert in the family. I think he would have been proud of me for getting two degrees and working as a translator.

Forgot to add - I used to watch football with him as well. Gazzetta Football Italia. Marco van Basten was our favourite player.

My stepdad is similar. He does his share of the housework, doesn't put gendered expectations on either of his kids and is quite happy to talk football with me (he's a Chelsea fan). my last stepdad was a man's man though.

He was and he wasn't. Rhetorically, he was. He thought my sister and I could do anything we wanted to if we tried. He took us to castles and taught us about British history (his interest). But he didn't help my mum much and aside from Sunday morning swimming trips and 'debating' about current affairs, he would spend the weekend reading while my mum did most of the parenting and running of the house.
My mum on the other hand had a kick arse job, took us on marches, got us into all sorts of hobbies and interests.
While both my sister and I love our dad, we have both wanted much more from a relationship than my mum got from my dad. His feminism taught us to expect and ask for more in life, but my mum's feminism showed us how to do things for ourselves.

My father hated women, especially ones who didnt know their place. If you behaved as required (being dumb, pretty and obedient) you were acceptable though
He passed this attitude onto my brother
DH on the other hand if Fab and we are bringing up DS the same

My dad would have been 86 if he was still alive. Didn't like women much, had something of a madonna/prostitute thing going on
Very unfeminist but encouraged me to go in my chosen male dominated profession, taught me to change car wheels etc. He only had girls which presumably made a difference. Very mixed signals.

My father was a 70s version of a lefty woke bro who actually hates women. Talked a good game, self proclaimed Feminist but treated my mother like shit and as me and my sibling got older it became clear he couldn't cope with dissent, particularly not from a female child.

I am an opinionated, loud woman and it has taken me years of therapy to feel ok with that as he undermined my sense of self so much.

I have no relationship with him now and I feel very sad for him. Mostly though relieved I saw through him eventually. Rather no relationship than the confusing years of desperately seeking his approval.

OP your father sounds lovely and I see my DH with my DC and hope they would describe him as you do yours.

He was and is excellent. Did a lot of solo parenting while mum worked on her phd, just a lovely man who remains a no-bullshit practical and emotional cheerleader for all of us (mum, sister and I, our husbands, his grandchildren). Feel very lucky.

Interesting answers.

He was very sexist towards my Mum, didn't like her doing certain things/wearing certain clothes. But she was always insistent on earning her own living and not being financially reliant on him.
I'm an only child and was a bit of a Tom boy (still am really). Dad taught me to decorate, do DIY, how to maintain a car etc. Expected me to get a good education.

My Mum can be questionable too, she is very disparaging about the whole me too campaign. Especially women who said they'd been exploited by having teenage relationships with older men. She says she remembers what it was like to be a teenage groupie and lots of girls engineered encounters and knew exactly what they were doing. Also thinks women are asking for it, if they wear skimpy clothes. Sigh.

He'd never call himself that and I've never thought of him as one, but I guess he is very much so.

He took over childcare when I was 6 weeks old as my mum had to finish her degree, then worked part-time for most of my childhood while mum was the higher earner. Never treated me any different to my brother or anything like that.

It's only reading threads like these that I realise it's unusual.

Oh, and he still does all the cooking 😂

That's a tricky one. He did very little housework and did the stereotypical man roles while mum did the housewife roles (which was typical of the times I think) but he spent time with me, taught me lots, pushed me to get a career so didbt limit me in any way.

My dad didnt do as much as my mum in terms of cooking, shopping and cleaning but he did more than average for his era. He also did things like take me to the dentist and cut my finger nails and picked me up from school regularly.
In terms of me he taught me woodwork, car maintenance and didnt seem to suscribe to sterotypes. He seemed respectful to women - seemed to see them as equals.

Not at all, and neither was/is my mother.

My brother was treated very differently to my sister and I growing up.