This may be a bit of a long read so I'm grateful to anyone who gets to the end and can respond.
As a child, my parents used one of my dad's pupils as a baby sitter. She lived locally to us. Her step dad was the local pharmacist and loved by everyone in the community, especially my parents.
I must have been about 6 and leading up to the night I worry about, the step dad started including me in lovely family outings and treats. My parents had organised a party so arranged for me to stay overnight at the babysitters house. I remember feeling so excited. When they dropped me off, it was just the step dad there and he said that the baby sitter and her mum would be arriving soon which they never did.
At first everything seemed great. He put Disney films on. Then he suddenly seemed to be different and I felt scared. The rest of the night and only remember in freeze frames. I have a memory of him sitting in an arm chair and watching something and doing something that I didn't understand. Then I remember lying in bed and him standing in the door way and I felt frozen with terror. I have a hazy memory of a shower room too.
The next morning, my mum picked me up and I recall her telling me off for not thanking him.
There's weird stuff from then on that I feel embarrassed about. I developed a strange getting to sleep strategy whereby I'd imagine scenes of people having sex, quite graphic. I have no idea how I'd even know about this as a 6 year old. But it seemed to calm me down. As a teenager, I was terrified of boys putting their fingers inside me and this continued into adulthood.
For context, the man in question was arrested and jailed a few years after the night in question for sexual abuse to boys ,not girls. At the time, my mum said 'phew, we had a lucky escape there".
I don't know exactly what I'm wanting. I think I'm probably over thinking and just need to move on from it. I don't understand why it keeps popping into my head. Maybe because I'm a mum. I'm 40 now so it's a long time ago.
I can't afford private therapy and feel like a therapist would think i was ridiculous anyway, basing my fears on vague hazy memories. Plus people go through a lot worse. But I do have issues with trust and anxiety etc.
If you've read all this, thank you so much!