*TW: Sexual abuse* Was I abused as a child?

No one would think you are ridiculous at all it sounds as if you had a traumatic event that you have forgotten in order to move on but you cant

i think perhaps what you need is acceptance by yourself that something happened and it has caused you issues and that it is ok and it doesn’t matter that it was only one night ad others go through worse it happened to you

I highly doubt a therapist would think it was 'ridiculous' - I expect many who have been abused bury memories either completely or partially. Clearly something happened to you, and that's terrible in itself. There's no point trying to minimise it by telling yourself others have experienced worse. What happened, even if you can't recall all of it, has obviously deeply affected you. I think probably talking to someone professional about it would be a good idea.

It wouldn't be unusual at all for you to have blocked memories, or forgotten them as you weren't old enough to understand what they were to process them.

Therapy would be useful. Hypnotherapy might recover the memories. Would you feel happy to report it?

Is there anyone in real life you can share this with?

I agree with @Quartz2208 but also in answer to your question it is very likely that your mind has buried traumatic memories to protect you. The act of trying to remember now, in order to process as an adult which would still be very pay, could make your subconscious keep the memory locked away. The subconscious has no time awareness and is protecting you the child.
I know waiting lists are long but maybe see your gp for referral for therapy?
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Sorry to read this.
Have you spoken to your mum about it did she realise anything at the time?

Big hugs x x

Sorry for your experience Hlucy.

Have you had any therapy before? Depending on what's available in your area, you may be able to talk to your GP and be referred for trauma therapy (sometimes called Step 4). The waiting lists are usually very long (it's a year where I live) and people are asked/required to have tried a lower intensity therapy first e.g. IAPT or Talking Therapies I think they are now called.

The mind can remember traumatic things in freeze frames - and the mind can also mix up and merge memories. I would recommend being supported by a professional while trying to process how you feel. It makes total sense that being a mum yourself now, some of these memories have been stirred up, especially if your own DC are around the same age now as you were then.

I think something must have happened but maybe you've blocked it out or chose not to remember it subconsciously.

You should try and put yourself forward for some therapy.

blocking out and forgetting the memories and having freeze frames is a normal response to childhood trauma but I don’t think trying to unlock them will help. Your trauma is real and the affects are there and it is that which you need to process.

are your children a similar age - is your anger that they left you not with the babysitter (or ever questioned where she was) but with him for a party which you wouldn’t do. Emotions that are juxtaposed with the fact that she is a lovely mum. But no parent is without criticism, all make mistakes - she made one and you can be angry about that without questioning that she loved you

Sending love OP, didn’t want to just read and scroll on. It’s a horrible thing to have happen and as others have said, painful memories are pushed away. I’d experienced something a bit similar around the age of 5/6 but from older kids. Weirdly I only identified it as abuse when I became a parent. I’m fortunate to have experienced deep healing from it all.
please do get help, therapy, prayer, counselling whatever you need, No therapist or counsellor would think it strange you referring back to vague events, memories, feelings from the past.

@Hlucy I think the fact that the memories are triggering off your 'hypervigilant protective mode' to your DC is a thing to think about however you proceed next.

Remind yourself you ARE protective of your DC, your DC ARE safe, you won't ever take risks with babysitters in the same way your parents did (albeit innocently, a different era back then etc etc). I think at times when we feel vulnerable it is important to look around and remind ourselves 'I am safe, my DC are safe'.

I hope you find some peace however you choose to proceed, 'choose' being the key word. You can have sessions that just focus on whether you want to have deeper trauma therapy, if you see what I mean, to help you figure out what you want.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I agree with all the above PP, really good advice on here.

There are some books which may be helpful- courage to heal by Ellen Bass is great.

there is also a really good blog/ website called healing honestly, by a woman in the US called Alisa who similarly has vague flashes and feelings but not concrete memories as such.

there are lots of really helpful articles on her site.

take really good care of yourself, even these thoughts and curiosity can be overwhelming and destabilising.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your mind has blacked out the trauma to protect you. Either that, or you were given some sort of medication/sedition which given he was a pharmacist he would have knowledge and access to.

I recommend body keeps the score by van der Kolk

Unfortunately sedation and medication are used by sexual abusers quite a lot. I know of someone who was abused by a pedophile ring and they were often given tablets, as where the other kids abused.

I didn't think about the possible thought of him sedating either.

Could quite be possible also with him being a pharmacist.

This book is excellent!

Also there are some very good points to think about on this page:

jimhopper.com/topics/child-abuse/recovered-memories-of-sexual-abuse/personal-questions/