this time it is really too much

[willsurvivethis]

Had such a heavy therapy session today but a sense that I've finally reached rock bottom and have something solid to stand on to work my way up.

Came home to find that dh's boss (dh is vicar in training) has written a really bad end of year report that can jeopardise his whole future. it is also unfair and wrong. DH has struggled with this for a long time and has said he will definitely not do a third year with this man. This can mean end of job, so end of house too, moving on before we are ready, nowhere to move on to.

DH (already fighting depression) has crashed.

I'm sat here sobbing. Don't know how to survive this one. Really don't. Feel so totally alone.

WillSurvive I don't know what to say but didn't want to not say anything. I'm so tired today I can't think straight. You're not alone. Big hug xxxx

Oh no! That's awful what did the report say? Surely is whole future cannot hang on this one man's opinion, there must be others he can get references from?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Thinking of youxx

This man is the man responsible for his training so has a heavy say. This man also unfortunately does not understand that depression is an illness.

Don't want to put anything from the report in the public domain.

A bit calmer now - coping at work. Was flung in a panic last night as one friend was going to bed early (duh because she's flying in today to spend the weekend here)and another friend was not responsing (my own fault for opting for a facebook message instead of the phone...)

Glad to hear you are coping at least. Last thing at night can be a very lonely place when it feels like the rest of the world is already in bed sleeping and you have no one to call...

understand you don't what to put what was in the report, i was just asking more generally about whether this guy has something against him as a person or whether it is something more specific. Is there another tutor he can go to, that he trusts?

How is your DH doing? Is he able to function, you said he had "crashed". What is he doing right now... can his ADs be upped?

DH is doing remarkably well - he has been to the airport to collect my friend, got ds dressed and to nursery and has been writing his part of the reports.

Getdown there are no (other) tutors - DH is a curate and the man in question his training incumbent.

He will refuse point blank to have his meds upped and I have always said that unless he's suicidal I will not push him. The dose he's on helps him function.

Go over this blokes head, find a more empathetic ear, higher up? If this guy is a knob, you can bet other people have noticed...

Keep going, don't give up, it's worth the hard work to get where you are both going to.

Don't worry about the shit hitting the fan until you hear the splatter! Don't worry about what might happen. Sorry I seem to be afflicted with a real potty mouth tonight

Dh is doing much better than expected - stronger, he's fighting back and it is re-energising him.

One of my bestest and oldest friends has come over from Holland to talk and also have a laugh together.

So I won't be on much over the weekend - it's not because I'm doing so badly (hopefully). I'm not doing great but feel supported and can cope.

Thank you my friends x

hope you have a lovely time with your friend

Good to hear that DH is doing ok.

Is there anyone else your dh can talk too? I know the feeling of not being able to take anymore and it is such a lonely place to be .

Willsurvivethis, it sounds like your dh has got some fight in him which will help enourmously. Keep encouraging him to knock on doors and keep fighting until he gets justice.

Also sounds like he is keeping you focussed and calm too? Although you say you feel alone, your dh and you sound like a team, and fighting together which is fantastic and very energising.

Wishing you all the best. I can appreciate how draining everything is. Keeping things in perspective is very hard. Will be thinking of you.

Update: dh and his boss have had meeting with more senior responsible person who has put a stop to anyone talking about anyone leaving and going anywhere. Has created a space of at least one month, told dh to work out with his therapist whether he needs a break, offered pastoral support from himself and the bishop and generally displayed much more knowledge and understanding of depression than the boss. Distinct impression is that no one thinks this is the end of the road for dh at all. dh has also asked for and received support from other priest-friends and that has helped him. So he's not too bad now.

I'm now exhausted and low. My friend has gone back home and I'm feeling the toll of the tension of the last few days and of not having had the time to process what happened at counselling.

That's good news well done for getting this far.
I know what you mean that feeling bad can happen after the event too, when the initial relief has passed.
Can't imagine what it is like to have to deal with the other issues that you are working through at the same time. You're doing really well though (hope I don't sound patronising!).

It's really hit me this time. Now things have calmed down with DH I'm just so low and so exhausted. I need to go to docs and then to work but how I'm going to find the energy to even get there let alone put in 4 hours work today. The weeks seems never ending. Friday evening and Saturday have fun things planned but they just feel like a burden right now and I'm just dreading counselling tomorrow because of more emotional payload.

Sorry - self centred moan. There's worse I know.

I'm sure all your hard work in therapy will pay off even if it is making life hard at the moment. It takes a lot of courage to do intensive therapy like that, especially with the sort of issues you're dealing with, but the rewards will be with you for the rest of your life. It's not going to feel like that at the moment of course though because you are in the middle of it.

Hi Willsurvive - im glad DH situ calmed down. Not surprised its knocked you for 6 on top of everything else. Really hope you manage to get a rest at the weekend x

I'm just so sad and down. I just heard last night that my old mentor and colleague has lost his beautiful daughter in a car crash aged 28 and I just keep imagining his face when he heard the news and how he's feeling now. Not normal for me to be affected like this but then my feelings were frozen for 28 years so maybe this is normal??

Saw doctor this morning who would like to continue monitoring my mental health and not start ADs. I asked if there was something I could take occassionally on a really bad day but he's only willing to consider SSRIs.

Feck been sobbing my heart out from the moment dh and ds left this morning (ds screaming in protest at his second day in the taxi without mummy and daddy)and haven't even made it to counselling yet. Just so sad and everything seems pointless.

Crying is good, it's a release of emotion and it may help you to feel better. Don't know what to say but don't want you to feel alone.