pnd or full blown depression and should I go to docs?

[mollysmum82]

I don?t know if I?ve got post-natal depression or whether I?ve had underlying depression for years. Before having my baby I did have spells where I just wanted to sleep all the time, isolate myself away from people and suffered an eating disorder for 4 years. I?ve always had a bad guilt complex and have felt guilty for the most ridiculous of things. I?ve never asked for help for any of these things though and I?ve always managed to get myself out of them and return to my normal, happy, sociable self.

Recently I have really started to scare myself with my thoughts though. I have never ever thought of harming my baby but I have thought of harming myself. Whenever things get stressful (as they often do with babies!) I just think to myself ?I could just jump out of that window?. I also worry about the most unlikely things happening ? I dream up frightening scenarios in my head, like what if burglars got in the house and killed me and took my baby? What if a car ran onto the pavement and ran her over? I?m often anxious, guilty and find it difficult to concentrate on conversations. I?m so tired all the time, yet I find it hard to sleep.

Some days are really positive and I have such a laugh with my husband and baby. But some days it feels like there?s a fog spoiling any sense of enjoyment.

I feel so guilty for feeling this way as I?m so so lucky to have my baby and husband. I wouldn?t ever be without them.

So I just wondered if people thought this was a medical thing I could get sorted at the doctors or whether it was just caused by a difficult last couple of years, in which case can I pull myself out of it again?

Here?s why its been a difficult few years:

Before having my baby I had fertility problems for 2 years. I hadn?t had periods and when I first visited the doctor I was told it was unlikely I would ever have children. I went through quite a few invasive and painful tests before being suspected of having PCOS. I was given clomid and thankfully fell pregnant eventually. During these fertility problem years I would sometimes think suicidal thoughts. I would think things like ?why would my husband want me if I can?t give him kids?? even though he was so lovely and never gave me reason to think that. I spent a lot of time crying and sleeping.

My pregnancy was great up until the 30th week or so when I started to bleed. Luckily the hospital checked the baby?s heart and it was okay. I was in and out of hospital with bleeds up until the 35th week when I gave birth prematurely. My placenta had started to give way and had stopped providing the baby with oxygen. As a result of this my baby was born blue and was taken away from me for the first few hours. I thought she had died.

I have never been more grateful to have my wonderful little girl. She is ten months old now and is smiley and happy and I love her more than anything in the world. She has gone through a few things since being born, severe eczema, asthma, suspicious lumps, eye infections, dairy allergies and we have been in hospital a few times because she has struggled to breathe.

I?ve breastfed her from the start and although I have enjoyed this I have found it very tiring. I really want to continue till she is two years old because of the WHO guidelines but I am finding the sleep deprivation difficult (she still feeds every 3 hours day and night and won?t take many solids as she refuses a spoon). I am a bit obsessed about her getting good naps in the day and as a result I sit in the dark for hours and feed her to get her to sleep. Because of the frequency of her solids, milk feeds and naps I find it difficult to get out to groups. Sometimes I don?t find time to wash my hair or get ready, and superficial as it sounds, that kind of thing used to be really important to me.

I have a perfectionist complex and I feel like a failure if the house isn?t spotless, I?m not spotless, and I haven?t spent sufficient quality time with dd and dh. As a result I often feel like a failure and haven?t got any time for myself.

Please tell me what I can do to improve things. Do you think its just situational and things will get better or do you think I need help from the doctors.

Thanks so much for reading, I know its really long. xxx

Hi mollysmum

First things first. You have been through an awful lot. No wonder you've been feeling the way you have. You sound utterly exhausted.

Much of what you describe does sound like depression TBH - the sleep problems, not being able to concentrate, negative thinking, anxiety, thoughts of harming yourself, these are classic signs.

It's great that you are still able to have some good days, and you describe times in the past you have felt low and have been able to pull yourself out of it.

I suppose you have to ask yourself how badly is this affecting your day-to-day functioning? If significantly, yes there are medications that can help you.

Talking this through with your GP will do no harm. You may also be able to go on the list for CBT- many places offer this on the NHS now.

I suffered with PND and things got really very bad. I ended up in hospital. I would urge you that if you think you are getting worse, please seek help. I would hate for you to end up in the situation I did, because I didn't get the right help.

Your fertility difficulties have probably added to the pressure on you to be "happy" and have the "perfect family" - often it is the case where a woman has struggled to conceive. It is very normal. The truth is, being a mummy is very hard, and even though our children are much loved and much wanted, it is still very hard and very demanding. It's wonderful you've been able to b/feed, you will have given your baby the very best start. However, I really think this shouldn't prevent you going out to groups. You need to get out and chat with other mums, you will probably be surprised by how many of them empathise with how you are feeling right now.

Big hugs.
xx

Maybe you should talk to your HV. At 10 months old your baby should be able to go through the night with no milk. Also she should be cutting down on her milk and eating more solid food.
I am no expert but if she doesn't like using a spoon maybe you could just give her little bits of soft food to play with and hopefuly she may eat some of it.
You have been through an awful lot and I do think the dark thoughts maybe significant and a sign of some underlying depression.
Maybe all you need is someone to talk things through with it doesn't mean that you need to take AD.
Go and talk it over with your GP. It can be a bit difficult to fit socialising in with feeds etc. I used to get DS up from his afternoon nap a quick BF then rush out for a couple of hours some where before tea. They do get easier !

GDYWF - thank you so much for your post. Its so great to know I'm not alone in this. I'm so sorry to hear you went through depression and ended up in hospital. My heart goes out to you. You sound so strong and together now - you are clearly an amazing mum xxx

Topsi, thank you for your advice too, its really appreciated. I plucked up the courage to go to the doctors today. He was lovely and said it was undoubtedly depression. He strongly advised me to take an antidepressant but when I asked about breastfeeding he said it wouldn't be possible to take them at the same time so I would have to stop feeding. He said I had to make a choice between breastfeeding or treatment.

I just don't know what to do. I'll feel like an awful mummy if I stop now (which I know is silly) but I'll also be an awful mummy if I'm down all the time.

I wish there was another way to get over this?

Thanks again xxx

mollysmum, your post really rang bells with me, I started to suffer PND when my DD was about 7 months and so much of what you say was true for me - keeping the house clean and tidy all the time, worrying about everything and dreaming up terrible scenarios, wanting to jump out of the window.

You have really been through such a lot and are doing so so well. You sound to me as though you are trying very hard to do everything right for your DD and you are doing a wonderful job, you sound so caring and thoughtful, your DD is lucky to have you, please don't ever forget that.

Even without all the things you have gone through, the first year is just bloody hard - thankless, exhausting, never-ending and so so difficult. People expect you to be so overjoyed about being a mother - but sometimes it's hard to enjoy it when you're coping with sleep deprivation, loss of identity, loss of your figure and looks (maybe that's just me ), feeling out of control. I had a massive sense of feeling subsumed by 'motherhood' and that I would never get any better at it and never learn how to cope.

I really understand where you are coming from wrt making a decision on breastfeeding vs ADs. Getting to 10mo with the breastfeeding is amazing. My HV was very good with me and I wonder if you have a good HV who you can talk to? It helped me so much just to tell someone how I felt and let some of it out. She refered me for counselling and not ADs and for me the counselling was wonderful. I went with my DD (the councsellor had lots of toys there) and I could talk about anything. My DH came along for a few sessions as well which really helped. Do you think this is something you could try before you try ADs? For some people, just being able to talk about it and be listened to is a major breakthrough. have you told your DH how you feel and if so, is he understanding about it?

As an aside, I wondered if you had thought about finger food for your DD? At 10mo they get pretty independent and if she's not keen on the spoon, perhaps she'd prefer to try feeding herself? It's just a thought if you feel comfortable with it. My DD gradually lost interest in bf-ing once she really got to grips with feeding herself and so the bf-ing stopped without me really having to make a decision.

Novicemama, I really can't thank you enough for your post - reading it felt like I'd had a big hug! xx You sound so similar to me in what you've gone through - I'm so sorry you've been through that too, you sound like such a lovely caring person.

I'm so sorry its taken so long to get back to you - my baby had to go to hospital again with her breathing problems they put her on oxygen and nebulisers, it was so scary. I feel so guilty to even think about me and my condition when she's been ill.

I would have much prefered the counselling route but the doctor didn't mention it so I assume they don't offer it in my area? I should really go back and ask but I'll need to pluck up all the courage again.

I really hope you're all better now too, lots of love xx

mollysmum, I could have written your post as I am in the same quandry of whether I am depressed or whether it's PND.

I went to the Doctors last Monday and completed a questionnaire. I have a follow up appointment tomorrow.

My DD is 13 months old and my DH can't actually remember if I was down before having my DD or whether it's happened since. We had a MC just before I got PG with my DD. I had a high downs risk with DD which resulted in having a CVS which didn't work, followed by an amnio. Finally after the all clear I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and needed insulin injections four times a day. I thought I coped with all this remarkably well, although maybe all that added stress was the start of it? At 4 months PG we bought our first house and all the stresses that went with that.

During my maternity leave, I only took my DD out twice (in 5 months) as I was nervous and was worried that she might cry and I might be embarassed that people would look at me. When she was 5 months old, I went back to work full-time. Full-time hours over 4 days so 10 hour days. When DD was 6 months, I had to find a new job as mine was coming to an end and took on something completely different with a big learning curve.

Two months ago we acquired a new dog (another long story) and even though that might sound like a small thing - it hasn't been because he's a nightmare, but nevertheless, part of the family now.

Since having DD, I can count on two hands the amount of times I've been out in the evening and count on one hand, the amount of times that DH and I have been out. I would never have gone out in the day before without doing my hair and make-up, but I rarely wear it now.

But I think the worst thing is that I seem to have fallen into all this without thinking anything of it. It was only when my DH suggested that there might be something wrong, that I realised. A friend hinted about PND so I made an appointment.

But I still can't get my head around it. Is it depression? Sometimes I feel that it's just laziness. DD has slept through the night since 5 weeks old, but I still go to bed early every night and have a good 10 hours sleep, but I'm still constantly tired.

Sorry to hijack, it's just that your lovely posters seem so clued up and I wondered if someone could shed some light for me.

One more thing - totally paranoid about DD's weight as she's always been a bad feeder so hadn't taken her to be weighed since she was 14 weeks old when I broke down because she'd dropped on the centiles. Thought that I would be perceived as a bad Mum. Once I'd made the decision not to take her anymore, I relaxed about it.

Gosh - apologies for the waffling!

Good luck mollysmum.

xx

One more very important factor - I work from home in my role so I'm on my own all day and don't go out in the evenings. Always thought I just 'couldn't be bothered' but now wonder if this is another symptom of the depression... I was always out before, going out for dinner with DH, meeting up with friends, etc.