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Mental health

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Original poster

I can't believe what I just did, and I'm terrified.

18 replies

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 02/07/2010 13:10

I've just self-harmed for the first time nearly ten years, and badly. It was a single moment of utter madness, but I'e now got two huge cuts.

I can treat them safely myself but I'm terrified of anyone seeing them as I was recently referred to SS for other reasons (though they closed the case) and I'm terrified of losing my DCs.

But I have a medical problem which could land me in hospital at any time, suddenly and without warning.

I'm terrified.

I just want to hide in the house until they're healed, but I need to go to work.

OP posts:

mamsnet · 02/07/2010 13:18

I think I recognise you from another thread a while back..

Are you ok?

Have you sorted out the cuts?

Your case with SS is closed, isn't it? There is no reason why you would end up in hospital right now..

Can you speak to anybody???

MitchyInge · 02/07/2010 13:22

can you say more or less what medical problem is? as you obviously mean medical or surgical ward rather than psychiatric

think social services would raise eyebrow if you self harmed in front of your children, but really, coping in this way with a flood of negative feelings or mental distress generally wouldn't normally cause difficulties for your children

if there is underlying mental illness prompting the self harm maybe it would help to talk to a gp or a cpn?

Original poster

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 02/07/2010 14:33

Again, I'm afraid to go into detail online here. The likelihood of me suddenly ending up in hospital is very small, but if I did it would so serious I'd be there for a while and the scars therefore seen.

I can talk to friends. I'm too frightened to tell my GP. I am OK - I just momentarily lost it.

OP posts:

SagacityNell · 02/07/2010 14:47

Are you 'safe' now? Do you know what triggered you to cut after all this time? Are people likely to be able to see what you dd in normal everyday life? (wondering about you wanting to hide completely)

mamsnet · 02/07/2010 15:40

Come back and post a little bit.. it might help..

Obviously much better that you have RL people to speak too, of course..

There must have been a trigger, though... which os more important now than the marks..

Original poster

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 02/07/2010 16:54

I was just completely, utterly overwhelmed by everything. I'm not very good with stress.

I'm OK now. I guess I should just take this as a warning that I need to find ways to deal with things better.

I'm hoping to reduce my hours at work, but it's complicated to arrange.

OP posts:

mamsnet · 02/07/2010 21:40

I hope it serves as a warning to you to where you are and how vulnerable we all are in very stressful situations..

Onwards and upwards

SagacityNell · 03/07/2010 10:59

How are you feeling today?

Original poster

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 03/07/2010 17:07

Just read your other thread and hope my paranoia isn't rubbing off onto you

I'm OK, still numbly sat in total disbelief and wishing I could rewind time. It's all healing and uninfected, but I think there's going to be a massive scar (or two) and no short sleeves for the summer.

Never, never again.

OP posts:

SagacityNell · 03/07/2010 17:53

No the opposite in fact, it made me post and ask abut wht had been bugging me for a bit

Original poster

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 03/07/2010 17:57

That's a relief. But despite the reassurance I just can't face telling anyone - all I want is to never ever ever ever do it again. Just praying I don't end up in hospital whilst it's still all red.

OP posts:

SagacityNell · 03/07/2010 18:05

Well because of what it is and the reasons you (we) do it, of course it's hard to tell someone!

Glad it's all looking to heal properly though despite the possibility of scars.

Original poster

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 10/07/2010 17:14

Hi again, and thanks again for your help last week. I did have to go to hospital but only briefly, and I was nicely conscious throughout.

The scarring isn't too bad. But now I want to harm myself again. Ugh.

OP posts:

SagacityNell · 10/07/2010 20:44

I was worried you were going to say that
Can you go to your GP at all?

Original poster

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 10/07/2010 21:19

I'm too scared. But I've told DH. He's being great.

How are you doing?

OP posts:

SagacityNell · 10/07/2010 21:33

Glad you told someone.

Are you on ADs at the moment?

Original poster

cantbelievewhatijustdid · 11/07/2010 15:10

They tend not to work for me. Or if they do, they produce side effects that make it harder for me to get out than the initial feelings.

If I can get my skin fully healed, I'm wondering if there's any mileage in anything homeopathic or massagey. So yes, keep keepkeepkeep resisting!

OP posts:

SagacityNell · 11/07/2010 16:49

There are lots of ways to harm safely.

Obviously it depends on your needs and why you harm....

Holding ice cubes,
Hands (or feet) in really cold water.
An elastic band or hair bobble on your wrist that you 'ping',
Drawing on yourself in red pen (from experience permanent marker is not a good idea!),
Scribbling really hard on a bit of paper,
I have played this a lot recently

If the sight of blood is what you need someone gave me the suggestion to add a few blobs of red food colouring to water before i make ice cubes.

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