Anxiety about ridiculous things

[ABitTipsy]

I have only just realised that I am suffering from anxiety. Have not been sleeping well and feel paralysed, have so much to do but just can't seem to get on with it.

But the things I am anxious about seem so ridiculous. The main thing at the moment is the prospect of having to send an email to all the mums in DS's class. Logistically this is easy as we have a group email set up that includes all the mums in the class. Most of the mums in the class are very sociable and all know each other very well and are in and out of each other's houses etc all the time. I have been a bit isolated from the group for various reasons but am socialising with them a bit more now but I still feel like I am a bit of an outsider and not really part of the group.

Recently we were having a clear out at home and we have a lovely chest of drawers that we don't want and rather than just throwing it away I thought one of the mums in DS's class might want it. So I said to DH that I would email the mums and see if anybody was interested. But I can't send the email. I am too scared and worried about things like, what if nobody replies, or what if they do reply but send 'unfriendly' sounding replies. I know it sounds so ridiculous but the fear of no replies/unfriendly replies is so great that i can#t send out the email.

I'm terrible in group settings anyway, ie I am very shy and nervous about speaking out in front of a big group even if I know them all, but this is just about sending an email.

DH has asked if I have sent the email about the chest of drawers and I haven't told him why I haven't sent it, it just sounds too crazy.

Thinking about it, I am sure the reason I am so anxious about emailing this particular groupe of people is mainly because I do not feel at all close to most of them and yet we see each nearly every day during the school run.

Am I mad?

Why don't you put the chest of drawers onto Freecycle and then you don't have to go through the stress of knowing the person that ends up with it? Even better, donate it to a charity shop and you've done a good deed.

Everybody gets stressed about things that they know, in their hearts, are not really worth getting stressed about.

You are not crazy in my book!

pippop, thanks for replying. We have actually decided to keep the chest of drawers. Because I persuaded DH so that I wouldn't have to send the email.

I think I was scared of sending the email to the class mums because I have a deep seated fear that none of them like me. It is completely irrational as I do get on quite well with some of them and say hello to others and there is no reason why any of them should actually dislike me.

I think my fear stems from growing up within a family who did all dislike me. I think I walk around with a deep rooted feeling that people dislike me. Perhaps this group of mums feels a bit like my 'family' but not in a good way. I was treated like an outsider by my family and felt very unwanted and disliked by all of them. I think those feelings are being triggered by this group of mums. Because I am a bit of an outsider wrt the group but not because they are excluding me from things, but because I have not been participating much due to various problems I have been dealing with.

So you've solved your problem yourself. Good. I'm sure you'll find things to keep in your drawers. We have one in the hall close to the front door and each have a drawer to keep shoes in and not all over the floor(doesn't quite work out like that .... but it's a good theory).

Hey, don't worry so much about the Mums. Maybe ask one over during the holidays. One at a time is so much easier to chat to. They are probably all thinking that they are not "in the group". You sound nice and caring to me.

Take care.

Forgot to say, your family does sound pretty difficult to be honest, but you are your own person and you can do your own thing.

I think people like people until they find something to dislike. i.e. they look for the positive. Most people want to make friends or at least be polite to others, e.g. if you are waiting in the playground. My children are quite old now (18 and 21) and my youngest had his last day at school today (prize giving). I hardly knew anyone as you don't hang around at secondary school so don't get to know the Mums.

Therefore, your years picking them up at nursery/primary school are years to chat in the playground with others and find nice friends. Not everyone is nice but lots really are. If someone seems unfriendly they could be stressed about something completely different from you, e.g. a parent in hospital or their partner's job situation. They might just not want to talk at that moment. Try again another day.

Hey thanks pippop, yes, I think we'll probably paint the drawers and put it in DS's room.

I do find it so much easier to chat to mums one to one or when there is a small group ie around 3 or 4. I have been making an effort to invite other mums round for a coffee and I do feel I am making some nice friends. I have found out that a lot of the mums know each other from ante natal classes so around 7 years as our DC's are all around 6/7. We only moved to the area a few years ago so I can see I am trying to make friends when there are already established friendships in place. Will keep persevering though.

Are you still friends with mums from when your DC's were at primary school?

I am. I have one friend from when I was five, and three from when I started secondary school myself. But, being a bit boring, I've lived in roughly the same area since I was born.

I have one friend from when DS1 went to nursery aged three. The Mum and I are still friends but the boys had a major argument when they were 11 and have not been friendly since. That was ten years ago when her DS passed the 11+ and mine didn't. Her DS was exceptionally mean to mine about it (it was on a half an hour journey with me driving) so I kind of understand but my son never forgave the boy for lording it over him.

I think it gets harder to make friends as you get older and don't meet as many new people.

Another friend that I met when I was pg with DS1 now lives in Bournemouth and again the children are not in touch but we still are.

I live in an area where lots of people are of my religion and my children went to a single faith primary school so I guess I had something in common with lots of the mothers to start with.

It does get much harder to make friends as you get older. I have a few friends from uni, ie we go back about 25 years and I think and hope we will be friends for ever .

I seem to be having problems breaking past the 'superficiality barrier' with the friends I have made more recently with the mums at school. I think I am a bit wary about opening up to the mums as I don't know them that well, apart from one or two.

We have moved around loads and this is the first time we have stayed in one place for any length of time, we have been here 4 years so I suppose it's early days. I hope if I put in the effort some of the aquaintances I have now will become real friends.

Gosh only four years. No wonder it's hard for you. When I first went into my DS's primary school there was one of my cousins and a couple of old boyfriends (blush).

People usually like being asked about themselves I find, and also about their children as long as it's not done competitively. Admire what they are wearing and ask them where they go it etc.

At least you are not in the changing schools year (age 10/11) yet. That's a real minefield of a time when you talk to other Mums. I can still remember some of the mean things people said to be and some of the boastful things they said about their own kids too (we have 11+ exams in this area one of my children passed and the other didn't).

I have to say I don't much miss standing in the playground waiting for my kids to come out. The ominous feeling if a teacher marched to wards you holding your kid and the Mums standing next to you scattered (whilst trying to listen too). Sometimes it was good news!

I guess making friends is a bit like dating. It's hard to "ask people out" and we ladies are not so good at it (I can almost hear my DSs saying that I am very old-fashioned).

Does your DS have any friends that he would like to see in the summer. Arrange to go to the park or somewhere out and for that you would find it nice to have another Mum around. In this way you can chat to the Mum and watch over the kids playing.

It takes a long time to get close to people, but you sound nice and caring so I am sure you will do it.

pippop, thanks so much for your advice, it's good to hear from somebody who is further down the line than me.

You are so right, it is very much like dating! That's how I feel all the time, do I like her, does she like me, should I call her, don't want to appear too keen etc! It's mad! Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

The DC's do have lots of friends and I do sometimes arrange to meet them with their mum like you say, in the park etc. But lots of the mums work and so are not around much on weekdays and seem very busy at weekends catching up with housework/shopping etc that they are not always free to meet up. Plus I am sure they want to spend time alone with their DC's as they don't see them much during the week. I'm full time SAHM (more through circumstance than by choice) so feel the need for adult company more than the working mums I suppose.

Thank you for being so kind about me, it's nice to hear

It's my pleasure.

At the moment I'm waiting for my 18 year old DS to text me. He flew to New York this morning to stay with my brother for two weeks (an after A-level treat for him). I gave him a big a lecture on not being cheeky to American officials at airports. I know he's landed cos I've checked. It's his first flight without a parent.

There might even be Mums (who work) who are willing to take the odd day off, especially during the summer hols. You could be brave and casually ask someone if they have any days off planned and might like to meet up. People get time off from work and not everyone uses it to go away but might want to go out for the day with you and your child.

Being a SAHM (I was too until my youngest was 11) you can be flexible if they have a specific day off and arrange to meet up.

Take care.

He texted by the way. He's fine.

pippop, hi, glad your son arrived safely in NY. Hope he does well in his A levels. Is he going off to uni later?

Whst you said about being brave and asking about days off etc........that's my problem, I'm not at all brave. If you met me you would think I was confident but inside I have sucn low self esteem and low self confidence, which is why I stsrted this thread I suppose, because of a complete lack of confidence about sending that email and feeling that nobody likes me.

Thanks for your good wishes. He was very relaxed with his A levels and hopes for good results. He needs 3 x A for the course he wants to do (History at Durham Uni). He is predicted 4 x A* so I'm reasonably hopeful.

I, unlike you, didn't go to Uni and get intimidated by v intellectual people with super jobs (I have a fairly ordinary part-time arty-type of job). DS1 (this one's younger brother) is at Uni already and will be doing his Masters in Engineering from Sept. DH has a degree too. It's just me that doesn't! I did start one with the OU once but got v stuck with all the music stuff and gave it up.

I always worry about offending people so am probably too "nice" and end up being cross with myself afterwards for all sorts of reasons. I think I'm just little older than you if you left Uni 25 years ago?

I think worry much more now than I did when I was younger. With age comes wisdom/worry, or something like that.....!

Good Luck to your DS2, I am sure you have given him lots of support along the way so he has every chance of getting the grades he needs.

Yes, I did go to uni, but I don't think I'm an intellectual! I have learnt far more about myself, life, and other people, since having DC's than I ever learnt at uni.

I can relate to being too 'nice' at times as well. I am scared to say what I really think sometimes because I am worried about offending people too. I know I need to develop more confidence in myself and work on my self esteem, but it's hard when thinking badly about myself is so ingrained.

I'm 40 btw, my DC's are nearly 7 and 4, I left uni 19 years ago actually, sorry, my maths is rubbish!

I am hopeful about his results. My other son is dyslexic so he has done well (got a First in his 3rd year Uni exams - I am a proud Mum).

I was lucky enough to be able to choose to stay at home until they were both at secondary school and maybe if I'd been to Uni I would have had a higher earning job and not wanted to stay at home. Because I'd probably only earn the same as good childcare, I stayed at home (did bits of voluntary work while they were at school/nursery).

I'm sure that you will find that there are other "nice" people out there and become friends with them. It seems to me that most people have hang-ups about various things, it's just that they don't tell you about them. I could put quite a few on a list. e.g. the Uni thing (my brother went to Cambridge Uni), don't like driving to places I don't know, or on motorways, or parking unless in car parks that I know are easy, don't like being late, don't like public speaking, not good at remembering people's names which can lead to embarassment, taking things back in shops even when I'm in the ring and so the list goes on.....

However, the things that I have done for my children have been MUCH braver than I could have ever done for myself. e.g. Insisting on a Dr's appointment for a DS or going to see the Headmaster of the primary school to complain about a teacher (who was sacked 6 weeks later) that my son said some v strange things sbout.

So, if you think that your being friendly with other Mums means that your children will have a more lively social life (in the long term), then perhaps you will screw up the courage to take the initiative and pal up with some people that you know a little already. Do it for them, not yourself and you will find that you have it in you.

Hiya ABitTipsy,

Just got back from a week's holiday. Hope you are feeling less stressed now. How are you?