Can I talk about something really tough and personal? Realising your behaviour when getting better?

[Disenchanted3]

I denied being ill for a long time, I just thought I was a bad person. I genuinly did.

Now that I am getting better I can see that I was ill, inceredibly ill, but I'm finding 'looking back' very, very hard.

When I was on a downer I was vile, mostly to my husband and the worst part is that he has depression too but has been nothing but supportive to me

That breaks my heart.

I mocked him so much, when I was more ill than him.

The shit I caused for him is horrible, I cried so much and apologised but I just can't believe how I was.

And he put up with it, on top of all his own problems

Now I feel guilty for even saying 'shit' in front of my kids, but when I was ill I would shout and swaer at DH, they heard some awful stuff.

I know I'm on the up now and can't see myself being that way again, It makes me cringe, but I'm just hoping and praying my husband can forgive and my children can forget

I really think you have to forgive yourself . Its part of the process of getting better - i do look back and for a a long time felt so guilty about things i did while ill- try to imagine whether you would blame someone else if you knew they were ill i am sure you wouldn't but in fact working though this is part of the process - you are much more self aware and the best thing is you are getting better - i am sure thats all your family really cares about! Good luck

You were ill - you have to accept that and forgive yourself.
Then make a fuss of DH and say you are sorry and hope you can move on. (It sounds like he is more than happy to do that)
And with the children aim to replace every horrible thing they heard with a new lovely memory.
The most important thing is that you realise that things werent ideal- and want to make them ok .
x

You aren't alone. I have treated my husband like crap for years. I don't know how much is down to depression, various self esteem issues, or just me being a bitch.

I now realise how I have been, but it may well be too late.

Tell your husband how sorry you are. Genuine apologies mean so much to everyone. Then you need to just move on. You cannot undo the past (believe me, I have tried), but you can show now how much you realise what you have done, and work to fix things for NOW.

Does that make sense?

Most of all, hold your DH and tell him how much you love him.

Thankyou,

Flame

He knows how sorry I am, and he knows I was ill, I think he does forgive me, but its harder to accept that in a way!

I'm so glad you started this thread. The last few days I have been thinking exactly the same sort of things. Now that I am so much better, so much stronger and healthier emotionally and mentally, I can see just how ill/damaged I was. And like you I treated my DH very badly at times and I feel awful about that and he also did nothing but try to support and help me in the best way he knew how.

But what I feel most awful about was how I treated my DC's, especially DD. I can see so clearly now that I was repeating the patterns of my own childhood and it breaks my heart to know that I have at times treated DD in the exact same way my mother treated me.

Relate to this a lot. Having both, do think episodes of elation bring particularly bad aftermath as you not only have high probability of becoming depressed but also have string of devastating acts to deal with - horrific financial problems, unplanned pregnancy, lost job, disqualified from driving, lost friends and so on.

At least mania fairly short lived unlike depression which can drag on for yonks. So maybe depression more devastating in subtle ways, plays a longer game in terms of eroding confidence and self esteem?

Do think it is important, theoretically, to take responsibility for stuff that happened when unwell - apologise, accept that mental illness doesn't give you entire personality transplant but acts upon existing character and enlarges traits or drags age old grudges or warped beliefs to surface. Recovery always strikes me as being incredibly long term, maybe lifelong?

Its a long way to recovery for me, I'm only just coming 'back' now and I still struggle to keep on top of it all. But much. much less so. I still ahve alot to wok on.

A bit tipsy, gosh thats so me too.

My mum and me are very close now but my childhood was, well happy at times, from the outside, but she had a temper and was very horrible sometimes.

I felt myself being like her at times, though no where near as bad, but it made me feel ill, but I still couldn't stop.

Just shouting and stuff, non of the physical violence I experienced but I feared I was becoming liek her

But I'm not.

Disenchanted, my mother was also not physically violent or even abusive in the common sense of the word. She was just completely absent from my life, even though physically she was there iykwim? She never paid me any attention, was always too busy in the kitchen/doing housework to spend any time with me, didn't seem to enjoy my company or want to be around me, always seemed irritated and angry and annoyed with me. And this was when i was very young, not even 6 I think.

Sorry, pressed post before I meant to.

I have not been as bad as my mother with DD, but I have definately been acting in much the same way as my mother for some of the time.

I feel heartbroken at the thought that DD has probably felt some of the confusion, loneliness and rejection I felt as a child as a result of my mother's behaviour.

The only comfort I have is that I have realised how I am behaving and have therefore been able to break the pattern. My mother never realised how she was alienating me and we grew more and more distant until now I don't see her at all.

I'm glad for you,

my mum was physical unfortunatly.

I do wonder if its a hereditary trait?

It is very hard to accept your behaviour but I feel I have to too, how ever much it hurts in order to make sure I don't go back there!

disenchanted, sorry i misread your post, your mother was physically violent with you. I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't think it's hereditary, I think it's learned behaviour that gets passed down the generations until somebody in the chain steps up and breaks the cycle. Well done you and me for being strong enough to 'step up'.

I know this is going to sound a bit religious-y, so apologies for that. But.... Jewish tradition discusses the idea of repentance quite a lot... and concludes that regret is an absolutely central part of the process. In fact, it goes so far as to say repentance counts for nothing unless one sincerely regrets one's wrong action -- ie one is genuinely ashamed by it. So it sounds to me like the emotions you're experience suggest you really are making progress.

I couldn't agree more kizzie aiming for something positive is now vital for you and the idea of replacing each horrible thing with one lovely thing is great! I only ask: why limit it to the kids? Try it with him, too! I wouldn't waste too much more emotional energy on saying sorry once again, when instead you could be demonstrating your commitment to a happier way of being by simply having a fab time together!