sister is cutting herself, she doesnt know we know...what do we do?

[woahthere]

I have just found out from my sister that our other sister is cutting herself...it was accidentally revealed to her by someone who thought she already knew, she was shocked and the person that told her begged not to say anything because then she would know it was her. My self harming sister is in a pretty toxic relationship and so its not a surprise that this is happening but if you were to meet her she is the most straightforward, sensible person ever, you just wouldnt believe she could be doing it. So my dilemma is what do I do about it...do I do anything at all...I feel I should be doing something but what if she doesnt want the help...what if it makes things worse. Should I not be worried about that at all and just blow the whole thing open so she can get help. I suppose the most worrying thing is she will accidentally cut too deep and kill herself, also what is worrying is how bad is her relationship and state of mind if she has been driven to this? Please, I would really like some advice x

She will not accidently cut too deep...that is not the point of cutting, so don't worry about that side of it. Sounds like she needs some assistance....encourage her to visit her GP and be there to support her. She will probably resist to start with but she sounds very anxious.

But what if she hits a vein or something? I know she isnt trying to kill herself but what is she accidentally did.

I suppose anything is possible but I believe cutters want the relief they get from the pain, so only go sufficently deep enough to achieve that relief (cutters usually cut across the lower arms, not lengthways to cause vein damage).

People self harm for all kinds of reasons. And each harming incident can be for a different reason too.

Some good advice on these pages by befrienders

There are alternate ways to self harm: waering an elastic band or hair bobble round her wrist and "pinging" it, holding ice cubes, hands under cold water (never hot), if its the marks that she needs to see then drawing on herself in red felt tip pen works for some people.

Self harm is more common than you think and does not mean someone is suicidal.

scurry: that is true for some people but cutting for me is different.

speaking from personal experience, i dont think she would cut so deep that she would kill herself, i went through this when i was in my teens, i was bullied at school, i was hurt by a nasty boy and i started self harming, always my arms and legs, when i got to a point where i just wanted to scream or burst into tears in front of anyone i locked myself away and cut, the immense relief that is felt when doing that is undescribable, i just felt so much better, less tense, thinking more clearly after it, i did it for about 3 years before my mum caught on!
she calmly spoke to me about how i felt and why i felt the need to do it, we both went to the gp, and i spoke to a great counsillor! who helped me immensley, after time i found otherways to relief myself of tension, maybe suggest seeing the gp and taking it from there, jus being there to support her and let her know shes not alone will do wonders,
i have some pretty nasty scars on my right arm now, and i do regret what i used to.
poor thing, hope everything goes ok, if you can get her to speak to someone, would probably help a lot x

Yes, agree, I was trying to illustrate the point that self harm is not about killing yourself necessarily but about relieving some sort of stress that is happening.

no i know its not about killing yourself. How should I go about this considering I m not even supposed to know about it?

I am a recovering self-harmer and it kills me to think what I put my family through when my mental illnesses weren't being treated and I was using self-harm as a method of coping.

It's highly unlikely that she will kill herself by cutting; I have experience of both self-harming and suicide attempts and the mindset for each is very, very different. I personally was very careful when self-harming, choosing places I knew not to be dangerous and being mindful of how deeply I was cutting.

Is there a way you could 'accidentally' see her cuts so you could bring it up with her and offer her your support?

agree with ghostlove, cant you maybe as she sai accidently see a mark on her and ask her if theres anything she wants to talk about? let her know that your there for her and that what she tells you is entirely up to her

its so awful to thik that in this hot weather she must have to cover up to hide the marks she must feel so ashamed, I want her to know I know and she doesnt need to be but am so scared it will frighten the crap out of her...having to actually deal with it you know? Its so sad that she will always be reminded because of her scars, even if she gets better. I live a little way from her so its quite tricky. Do you think I should just say sod the person who shouldnt have accidentally told...this is moer important and needs dealing with head on.

Hi - when she has stopped cutting she can ask her Gp for a referral to the Red Cross based at the dermatology part of nearest hospital - they offer a camoflage make-up session free, and then products can be got on prescription.

Also regular massage over scars (some say bio oil is good, or cocoa butter) can help reduce scarring.

woahthere i actually think you should just sod it, and maybe just go for it and talk to her? i dont know if thats the right advice but perhaps in doing that you can stop or help whats happening sooner rather than later x