Mum is ill - can anyone advise me please??

[sheneedshelp]

a namechanging regular here.

I will post this in mental health as well but wanted to reach the widest possible audience as it is a bit urgent.

I need advice on how to speak to someone who is mentally ill but won't accept it so that I can try to convince them to seek help.

Its my mum.

Basically, she has always been a bit well odd, although that's not the right word for it. She is very, very insular, very prone to dwelling on the past and the wrongs done to her, has very fixed views and will not be swayed by reason or logic. She kind of makes up her own reality and tends to fall into believing the stuff she makes up. If you question her on some of the more outrageous stuff she will go ballistic so you have to back down.

OK so its not normal but not extreme in terms of mental illness.

However the problem is that my father has just rung me to say that she has been getting steadily worse over the past 6 months to the point where, he explained close to tears, that he cannot cope with her any more. She saw him speaking to a neighbour in the street and went mad - accused him of having an affair and has told him he is not to leave the house any more so that these situations don't arise (he is a decrepit 75 - the suggestion would be laughable if it wasn't so tragic). She is paranoid and sits at night repeating the same grievances over and over again - things from 30 years ago. There's loads more of the same type type of stuff.

He thinks she is close to a nervous breakdown. He has asked her to see her GP but she told him that he is the one with the problem and, along with the rest of the world, is against her. Its like she has been going round and round inside her own mind in ever decreasing circles to the point where she has lost touch with reality.

I live in London and they live in Scotland and he has asked me to drive up there this weekend to talk to her and persuade her to see a doctor. I know how it will go - she will go berserk - but he has asked for my help and I cannot refuse.

My question is, for anyone who has had the patience to read this far, how the hell do I approach the subject? She cannot see that there is anything wrong with her and she will fight any suggestion from any quarter that there is. How do we avoid a scenario where by she things we are ganging up on her?

My dad has spoken to their GP who has said it is up to the sick person to come to them - they cannot intervene and of course I understand that but at the same time I can't refuse to help.

I'm not convinced that the answer is to be found in a bottle of pills but I guess we have to try something.

Can anyone with any experience suggest anything?

Can't really offer much help WRT your mum, but I've been doing some work with adults at risk of harm law in Scotland.

To put it bluntly, your dad is being emotionally abused by your mum who is accusing him of having an affair and not letting him out.

Their local council will have an adult protection unit, who have a legal duty to investigate allegations of abuse. In a situation like this, it wouldn't be about "punishing" your mum - rather about putting some support in place for your dad.

This might be catalyst to get help from your mum too.

If you tell me where they live (roughly) I can try and dig out the right phone number for you.

I wonder if your Mum could have had a stroke? Or there could be some physical reason for this? Perhaps she may be developing some form of dementia? My mothers behaviour changed for a while and when she had a stroke they found out she had already had one,and I think this had caused some changes in her.My father has Parkinsons and his mediction can sometimes cause this sort of behaviour.I really wouldn't rule out a physical health issue as well as a mental one.Either way she needs to see a doctor.I would call MIND and ask for some help and advice and also call her GP who may be able to drop in, on the pretext of seeing your Dad perhaps?

Thanks, they live in East Glasgow - I'd rather not say more as several of my cousins are MNers and my parents are extremely private people (also part of the problem).

No, from what I can tell its not due to any "new" factors as such, she has always been like this but has suddenly got worse and he can't cope. The affair accusation is just one of many threads in this whole degeneration in her outlook.

The GP seems to be unwilling to drop in - he has been asked to.

It might be worth your while phoning one of these numbers here

How unhelpful of your GP.How can he expect someone who may have a mental health problem to choose to drop in to see him? I'm only suggesting the physical thing as my Mum had always been tricky in some ways but the stroke made her worse.my brother and father refused to accept anything was different about her but I saw her less frequently and tbh I was worried about dementia.After her second stroke she was behaving in an irrational way again for a while and it all made sense.the GP does really need to see her so he can assess all this,has your Dad explained how bad it is? Might he have played it down out of embarrassment?

Big hug to you. I have a very similar situation and have had conversations with my GP (not my parents one). Fundamentally all I can suggest is to provide the support for your Dad, whether thats more phone calls or drawing in help from others. Unless your Mum is prepared to deal with it then nothing will change, with or without GP intervention. It is ok to tell her that if she ever needs support then you're there for her; perhaps see if she'll step out of her usual routine and do something she enjoys. But unfortunately there is no magic wand and I would focus your weekend trip on supporting your Dad so that he knows he can talk to you whenever etc. That mkaes it easier for him to cope with the situation. It is beyond dissatisfying and distressing for you all. As you say/realise this is a lifelong pattern. Sorry I cannot offer more inspiration. Good luck.

So sorry to hear about your parents.

If you could go with your parents to see a gp it may help - and ask for health checks to rule out physical causes and perhaps an assessment by the local CMHT asap. That way they can asses and hopefully help you Mum, so that your dad can cope.

I've had similiar situation with my mum in the past, though in her case she was having a psychotic episode by the time I go there so was able to get the GP involved as I had to contact the police(!).

I'm wondering if a charity like Help the Aged or even NHS24 may be able to give you advice on the best course of action, also possibly getting in touch with Social Services.

I hope you manage to get some support sorted out, it is such a difficult situation to be in.

Make an appt with your mum's GP with the intention of three of you going along together. If you cannot persuade your mum to go with you, you and dad can attend together for a third party consultation. Her GP will not be be able to reveal any information about your mum for confidentiality reasons, but you can and should provide as much information about your mum's behaviour as you can, to let the GP decide whether or not he or she can intervene in some way (ie does she need to be assessed under the mental health act; this does not need her permission if she or others are at risk). You can type it all out and take it along with you if that helps you to remember.

It's probably also worth attending with your dad to see his GP in his own right, as a carer who is struggling with your mum's behaviour.

thank you very much everyone, that is all very, very helpful. iloveasylumseekers I think we should definitely do that, will get my dad to make an appointment.

he told me his blood pressure is through the roof atm .

Hi - maybe you can ask for a carer's assessment if and when you get seen by a cmht?

Glad you have a possible plan now.

Ask for a GP to do a home visit. It's too easy to be fobbed off with 'she has to come to us'. Bearing in mind your parents' ages, there is a safeguarding issue here so the health centre needs to help you.

I'm with the others that she might have had a stroke or a number of TIAs if the change has been more gradual. She could well be dementing. Another option could be (less likely) that she has had an undiagnosed psychotic disorder for much of her life and it is getting worse. It would explain some of the paranoia.

But, yes, your Dad is being emotionally abused and that's why I think for his sake you need to try and get some medical involvement.

Horrible situation, I feel for you.