concerns about DS's (12) long term mental health

[Mittz]

DS has always been 'challenging', assessed but not diagnosed for ADHD, AS, and OD. Always staed that he could be on the very low end of the spectrum but didn't tick the right boxes.

By 9 he had suffered through several close family bereavements and he started having violent outbursts. The effect on his relationship with his Dad was cataclysmic to the point that in the end his Dad left because of it. (I am grossly simplifying things). For over 2 years our lives were a living hell with DS winding up self harming and talking of suicide.

Despite seeing CAMHS and an SS family therapist (?) he refused to trust anybody but me and never confided in anyone.

We have made extraordinary progress since his Dad left, and apart form pre teen angst, on the surface of it, he is balancing out fantastically.

His relationship with his Dad is improving and he says he is 'starting' to trust him again.

But, yesterday he broke down and I kept him off school, he couldn't tell me why but in the end he drew me a picture. It was of his brain, segmented up into 'bad memories', 'scream' and 'cry'. He feels the breakdown of the family is largely his fault, although I try desperately to deal with this, he says he has flash backs and feels torn between being angry and hating his dad and loving him. His Dad was very verbally/emotionally abusive, and got very 'physically angry'.

I am deeply aware that my mental health issues at the time resulted in me letting him down badly so that he endured the situation far longer than he should because I was such a mess myself, this is not an excuse, and I am deeply ashamed at how long it took me to protect DS.

On a number of occasions his Dad said he would wind up in foster care or on one occasion gave me the ultimatum to put him up for adoption or we split up. (DS heard this).

I don't know exactly what DS remembers but am very aware that he is quite fragile internally. What do I do for the best? He is still adamant he doesn't trust anybody outside the family, but how do I best help him heal so that this is not something that festers and affects his future because it is not dealt with now?

I have lost my confidence in any authorities really. But that is a long story in itself. I trust my counsellor (I pay for my counselling). I want to give him the future he deserves, he is a bright, enthusiastic, energetic star.

What do I do for him please?

Mittz would it work for you and him to have some counselling together. Would your counsellor facilitate this or know someone who could?

It's great that he has all this input already but he seems to need it now more than ever.

You are doing a great job, just keep supporting him xx

Try to bear in mind that all 12yos have difficult feelings like this and it's not all to do with what has gone before.

Acanthus, that is what I am worried about, I don't want to make a mountain out of it if the fallout is really just a molehill, but I also don't want to think 10 years down the line that I missed a huge pointer to him needing support now IYSWIM. It really was quite horrendous at times.

wst, that seems like a good idea, I could at least show my counsellor the picture and see where it leads.

I really feel that I am 'unqualified' to know what is best. I let him talk, try to help him open up without putting thoughts in his head and try to find ways to channel his anger but I am not a professional and would hate to do more harm than good. But talking to Counsellor would be a starting point.

Thanks .

Could you persevere with family therapy, through CAMHS? They might also offer other therapies such as art, drama etc - you could encourage him to try these.

Otherwise there is just general life enrichment stuff - positive experiences, opportunities to achieve at something, things to look forward to. All the things that are known to boost mood generally like good sleep routine, balanced diet, fresh air and exercise, pets - these are all things you can promote. They won't fix him but they might help even by barely perceptible increments.

Have a very very troubled child myself, since about the age of 10 (now 17) so I should have more ideas really. Maybe they'll come to me later. I did find 'parenting unhappy children' helpful, quite an old book.

MI, they discharged him because on the surface, in the office, he comes across as being 'ok' and gets torn apart about the idea of being disloyal to his Dad.

He likes 'making stuff' and I am looking for a wood craft course or something as a starter and have suggested to his Dad that they work together on projects. DS is keen on this idea.

It's stupid, we have come through so much, and really moved forwards in so many ways but I just feel hollow sometimes. I want to lie on a warm sandy beach for a year and just sleep and heal and forget.