Thinking of leaving...

[Zahora]

The last 4 years have been tremendously painful. I still regret having a child. I haven't slept properly for 4 years. I think of leaving ds with his dad and just booking a one way ticket somewhere far away. I am not coping very well. Am I depressed or am I just not cut out for motherhood? I feel numb and can't think straight. Has anyone left their child and family to start a new life? Does it ever work?

and what about the child?

seems to be all about you in that post.

Look if you aren't sleeping - becuase your child isn't sleeping, you need to seek some professional help.

the child isn't going anywhere. the child will always be yours. You have to take responsability for your actions.

In taking responsability you clearly need to seek out to help advice support and treatment.

some counselling, some medication, some advice about helping your child sleep, and a doctore to look over the child to make sure he is perfectly well.

there are types of people who are not cut out for motherhood. i am one of them. some things just don't come naturally. Then you get added guilt for feeling that way and it becomes a cycle.

Problems seem to intensify with the onset of night time. Whilst you aren't the first and won't be the last to dream of running away and leaving your kids, This is their life your fucking with, don't fuck them up. go seek some help.

I'm not an expert but sounds to me like you are depressed. If you are not sleeping that's a big sign that somethings not right.

Stop for a minute and think of the impact on your little boy of you leaving him. He would be devastated and he'd grow up with that for the rest of his life. Having these feelings does mean you are not cut out for motherhood at all. Everyone finds it hard to some degree, some more than others. I find the baby stages really, really hard. If you did leave - do you really think you'd feel better?

I'd suggest you talk to someone - your GP or even in the first instance a friend who could perhaps go with you to see your GP.

Sorry if that's not much help really, I'm not good at this sort of thing but just wanted to let you know that I think you need to consider getting some help before running away. I also think you need someone to tell you that you're going to be ok and give you a big hug.

zahora...you sound very depressed and worn.

please don't run away...you would devastate your little boy. take some time out (are you with your ds dad?) and get yourself on the road to being well...it takes time, but it will get better.

go and see your gp and tell them how you feel...you'll hopefully get lots of support and steps can be put in place to help you.

parenting is hard, some days its all i can do to get through the day til bedtime...you are not the only one to struggle lovie.

be kind to yourself. ask for help, and give yourself time to heal, talk, get medication, come to terms with how your life is. i'll bet if you do these things, in 6 months you'll be feeling much more positive about things.

take care, x

Running away seems like the answer but it's not. But it is a cry for help. Please discuss what you feel with your partner and family.

You definitely need a break so concentrate on getting that first. A community sort of living arrangement might suit you better, there are ones dotted around the country. Parenthood needs to be shared and not isolating to be good for mental health.

You need to get some sleep too to start with, at 4 your child should not be waking you unless he's unhappy because you are.

Please seek outside help, good luck.

I have thought about it.
I imagine I would be sitting on a lovely beach with no one to tidy up after and nothing to worry about.
Then I think a bit more and imagine sitting on a lovely beach all quiet, no one to bother me, I would be in pieces, worried desparately about DS and DH feeling guilty and wishing I was home with them!
Please stay and face up to the problems you have. Life with children is difficult and you are probably depressed a little.
Go to the GP and let them know how you are feeling.

I used to think about it a lot and actually walked out of the house last year when things got really bad and I was sure ds would get a nice step mummy who would be much better for him. It's a lie my hurting brain was telling me because I ran out of coping ability.

Custardo's words might sound a bit harsh but tbh I could not have put it any better.

Wake up and get help. Your kiddo did not ask for any of this and deserves that you get help.

Oh Zahora I do know how you feel - sometimes I have just wanted to board the next train and get out.

But I haven't.

I'm seriously depressed - been living with it, working on it for years. I certainly wasn't a "natural" mother to my kids when they were tiny - (I was secretly bored rigid by babies) - and it is only now that they are all at Primary school that I feel like I am enjoying them.

But I also need to tell you - the reason that I suffer with ongoing mental health problems is that my Mum did what you are, however wildly, considering. One day, she just vanished. We did see her again, but it was never the same.

Please get help - see your GP, call the Samaritans, talk to a friend. Does your dh/dp know how you feel? Do you have a HV you can talk to. There are loads of options to get help, and I think you do need to explore them before you make such a momentous decision!

And keep talking here, too!

Zahora how are you feeling now? I hope you're ok xxx

definitely depressed.

get some help and tell people how low you feel. sidestep the issues about how you feel about motherhood for just now and focus on getting help for your obvious depression.

could you make a GP appt tomorrow?

where are you in UK (even roughly)?

Sorry for the delayed reply. I'm still here. I am worried to go and speak to a doctor. I don't want to drug myself. I just want to feel alive again.

You have all made me take a step back, especially Custardo. Will my ds be fucked up, or better off without me? Weegiemum, why did your mum leave?

This thought is constantly with me. Maybe I am depressed. I don't know what to do really

zahora, I often think it would be nice to run off into the sunset somewhere, but then I look at my dc and melt. They drive me mad sometimes and I have said and done some awful things (most of which I have posted on Mn as it relieves the guilt). I have been looking after them on my own for over a year now with no support and it is when dd (3) sees me being sad and gives me a cuddle I know I couldn't just up and leave them.
A very good friend died last year, she was just 5 years old, so I would say make the most of each day, sort out the sleep problem, just mention that to the GP if that can be sorted you might not need drugs.
Iam far from normal myself, really struggling with friends death, and relationship breakdown but reading your post I know you are a good Mum, you just need some sleep and then maybe you can start enjoying your ds.

I think most mums have that feeling sometimes - I know I do! Sometimes it just all gets too much to deal with and it would be so nice if someone would just take it all away for a day, give me time to recover a bit, sleep, do the things I want to without having to bother about any adult responsibilities.

Then I remember I am an adult and I do have to deal with these things - and I get on with them. But - I am not depressed now. I have been, before having DH and DS - I used to feel the weight of responsibility for my own house very heavily at times.

If you don't want drugs then you need to try being referred to some kind of counselling - it could help you learn coping strategies that you appear to need.

Having said that, sleep deprivation is a well-known factor in becoming depressed, messing up your thinking and generally draining you of energy. So - first and foremost - find a way to get some sleep. If it involves you staying a night away somewhere, so be it. But you make sure you are back in the morning before your 4yo misses you.

Are you still together with DS's dad or not? You do need to have a serious chat with him, regardless, about giving you a bit of a break for a few days - it could make such a difference. If it doesn't - then go to the GP.