Birth Envy - I get so so worked up!

[bacon]

to cut a long story short I had two bad births and the need for a successful VBAC on my second child failed and ended up as a crash section (due to stupid hospital policy on induction - Artifical Rupture) I came home so depressed, missed the birth, took me 6 months to feel happy. Now 1 year on lots of my friends and relatives are popping out babies so successfully. Great stories, no inducments, 'V' births, go home and no birth hang-ups. Me, as soon as my hubby tells me, sends me reeling, I cant control the fuel that heats me up, its like a sudden anxiety attack feeling, I get down for a few days then back to normal again.

Even though I am totally better now these birth stories tip me over the edge - will this happen forever? that I never managed to do what a mother is supposed to do, that I have never actually given birth and gone home feeling "what a great acheivement". I have flash backs of the misery I had after the birth, it should of been a happy and special time. My OH didnt exactly go out of way to help me through this tough time and I feel sightly bitter that he didnt help - just went back to work next day.

The birth of you children are supposed to be the best memories of our lives, but not for me.

How do you get through these stories and how helpful the OH was. I dont want to clam up so much and want to cry. For gods sake life goes on but dont feel I'm on the same wavelength as these mums. I feel as though there is something missing.

I am slightly prone to anxiety and depression and in the past suffered bad but over the last 5 years I've been fine apart from this.

oh bacon you are really beating yourself up over this one issue aren't you?

You mention "what a mother is supposed to do" and going home feeling "what a great achievement" - do you really think that having a vaginal birth is what a mother is supposed to do, or a big achievement??

What a mother is supposed to do is:

• love their child
• care for their child
• feed their child
• mother their child

And the big achievement is

• going home with a healthy baby

Really it does not matter in what manner that child came into the world, not one single jot.

I do understand that it can feel like other mothers make you feel inferior. For me it was the breastfeeding issue. As much as I longed for it and tried and tried and tried, breastfeeding just did not work. My DD became very underweight and we were all miserable. I felt like such a failure, and similar feelings to you in that "this is what a mother is supposed to do".

Truth is my DD is a healthy bouncy, strong, chatty, funny full-of-beans two year old. It made absolutely NO difference, the fact that I gave her formula to her well being now. And do you know what I have since realised? The inferiority feelings I perceived to be coming from all those other mothers? They were actually in my head.

No one really thinks - "look at her over there, she couldn't have a vaginal birth". NO ONE. Honestly. You have made it into such a major major issue but it really is immaterial. Are your DC healthy? That is the most important thing.

The fact that you had two cesarians will have NO BEARING on how happy, healthy or successful your two DC will be.

I think sometimes there is so much of an emphasis on having the perfect birth, when this is wrong. The birth is just a process - a means to an end. It's the child at the end of that necessary messy process that is the important thing.

Have you had counselling? You sound traumatised.

Sorry I have read that back and it sounds very bossy. I didn't mean it to come out that way or belittle your feelings, which I realise are strong.

It is a very emotive subject, but just wanted to encourage you and hold your hand a bit to get it back into perspective.

Hugs.

I think whatever it is that upsets us is real to us and perhaps talking through your birth experiences will help?

Me, I am just desperate for my first child, so feel so upset everytime I hear of someone pg or see famillies. We each have things to deal with, it is about finding the help that we need to cope or move on?

I know how you feel. I had a traumatic delivery with dd resulting in an em cs. I have been through anger, guilt, flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks etc. I was cross with my body for failing, felt guilty and disgusted with myself. When people talked about the best day of their life, I felt wretched that dd's birth was the worst day of my life. I kept going over and over and over it. How many hands touched her before mine did? How many voices did she hear? What was wrong with me? Am I failure?

And the visceral reaction to birth. People having normal vaginal deliveries sent me into a tailspin. I felt angry and envious and then despicable to even think those nasty things about such a lovely event. I wanted to scream and shout that it wasn't my fault, that I did my best but really I never believed it. I always thought I'd done something wrong, that I caused it iyswim and it was some sort of indication of my suitability to be a parent.

It clouded the first months and years of dd's life in a way I regret terribly. I have recently been to see a consultant at the hospital who spent hours with me going over the birth, talking about what happened and why. It has made such an enormous difference. The doctor was trained in handling birth trauma as well as being a consultant obstetrician so he was able to help me with the facts and the emotions. It was a first step. Have you considered something like that?

oh god, this sounds so familliar! Ive often said that I felt that a bit of me died on the operating table. the bit that was optimistic and had faith in myself. I still find my scar replulsive and dont like dh touching it 5y on. i second SoH's advice to call the hospital and go though your notes. I did and found it incredibly theraputic. this will pass, I promise but it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD. are you being treated for depression?

It is painful. My home birth descended into a rotational forceps in theatre with full epidural, distressed baby. DS then started fitting at 12 hours old and we found out he was brain damaged sometime during the pregnancy. Was too scared to be with ds in NICU - my dad made me go. Having tried to resuscitate my sister who was born sleeping he was well placed to do so. Felt such a failure on so many levels except funnily enough the birth as I had very good care from mws and doctors and a very prompt debrief with an ace consultant.

But recently I braved One Born Every Minute and gosh it hurt, I sobbed my way through all of them. The good ones because I didn't get to feel myself push out and catch my baby, the SCBU ones because I knew the heartache in store and then there were the pure trigger ones with alarms that sounded familiar and seeing the special travelling incubator (the space ship) that ds was in too.

It hurts much less though these days and I am finding my peace. Although battling the fact that I will probably have to have a section next time as my body seems to throw some wobbles in labour and we don't want the same problems again.

Second the need for some counselling and/or debrief.

Thanks all - great to read that I'm not the only one peed off! Perhaps there are some underlying mental problems, thats why I zone in on this feeling of failure.

Like others I am searching for happiness and when I feel failure or my life hasnt acheived what I had planned I cant cope.

I have terrible flash backs of the emotional wreck I was in main wards, no one there to talk to me (like I was promiced) I hated it in there, I had planned to be out the next day and home and beaming. I was in agony with the section, the nurses werent around, couldnt pick up baby. Back at home I couldnt face visitors and when one of my friends said "I had the easier option" I still cant believe people really dont understand how bad and devasting this is especially happening twice!. No milk so unable to BF too. Home I couldnt stop crying, hubby really didnt help, strange I felt lonely but everyone wanted to see me. When I look back it was such a sad sad time for me.

From such a happy, healthy pregnancy, absolutely loved it, to complete mess, I had no reason to have either c-sections, I look back now and cant see why I had the first, and if I'd requested to try naturally then this wouldnt have caused the second.

No way could of I watched One born every minute, that would of driven me into histeria!

Its strange dont feel as though I can hold a normal birth conversation. I understand exactly what you mean GetDownYouWillFall that to have healthy amazing children is really all that matters. Yes, but I missed out on the experience and the emotional need. Memories are fantastic and when people remonise I struggle to join in on the joyful conversation.

I dread all these birth stories Sept/Oct.

Hi there,

I just wanted to say that its not jus C sections that can make you feel the way you are feeling now, I had exactly the same after my horrific natural birth, I believe you are feeling the way you do because it didn't go the way you planned. Its the feeling of losing control over your body and trusting it into the hands of strangers. I think the best solution is not to plan your birth too much and have high expectations, this way you won't be disappointed if it doesn't go as planned. I think especially with first babies us mums tend to have rose tinted glasses about a fairly pain free labour and delivery & then just wait for the natural instincts to kick in....unfortunately the reality is often very different as I found out.

I am now looking forward to a c section as I can plan in advance having my parents to come and help as we will have a pre-organised date, I won't have a long arduous painful labour, plus I won't have the long recovery time afterwards (I had a third degree tear with my son & recovery was a long painful process) and best of all the hubby will be on baby duty whilst I recover from the op so I have time to rest

Also remember that there will be some mums out there that still wear their rose tinted glasses even after their birth as they won't want to admit to themselves that the birth was actually quite traumatic!

Hi bacon. I know exactly how you feel. My birth was terrible, followed by an awful hospital stay. It almost destroyed me. I had been happy and optimistic through my pregnancy and thought all my natural mothering instincts would kick in. They didn't. Even though I feel I am almost there now (DD is nearly 7 months) in terms of feeling recovered I cannot let go of the memories of how truly terrible, even suicidal, I felt in the days and weeks after the birth when I should have been in a happy 'bubble'. I have flashbacks to those days and how I felt (rather than to the birth itself). I was separated from DD for 4 hours after the birth in the middle of the night left on a ward not knowing what was going on. I feel that affected our bonding, she didn't seem like my baby when they finally brought her to me. I know rationally that people go through far worse and have far longer separations but to me it feels like I lost something for ever because of those hours in the night. I also had to give up breasfeeding as a knock on effect of all of that.
I also cry if I hear of good birth stories, then feel like a bad person.
My DP doesn't want another child so I may never experience a proper birth and that 'rush of love' feeling, it makes me very sad.

Hi arcadia - maybe with time your DP will change his mind about having another, you never know.

Because of everything that happened to me after birth of DD we both felt it would be completely out of the question to have another.

However, loving life now and seeing how you can come through it, we have both come round to the idea.

I have heard from others that having a second birth experience that is so much better, can be very healing from having your first terrible experience. Someone on here suggested a doula and hypnobirthing to help with having your wants and needs heard through the birth experience.

Do you want another?

arcadia - Its always a help that there are so many great mums out there who understand where I am coming from as you probably struggle to discuss this with anyone. My husband felt for me the first few weeks but thereafter "just got on with life".

I'm 39 now and life here is really busy, my husband works incrediably hard and has never helped me much. I'm 50/50 whether to have another baby. But I dont want to go down that road just so to experience the 'birth' and no guarantee that it wont happen again.

I didnt think it would happen twice I went in so excited but so much pressure as wanted this VBAC. There was absolutely no medical reason for first c-section I look back now and wished my husband had backed me up with more of a trail (I was 9cm dilated by baby back to back). It could of been done but I just agreed as I was off my head. It has such a knock on effect that there are problems with inducement on subsequent births with inducement techniques. I know what you mean about other women who have far worse experiences, even with a V birth your body can be ripped to sheds and some poor ladys suffer for years before surgery to put it all right. Part of you feels guilty for being ungrateful for this perfectly healthy child but gutted that this dreadful experience has happened it you.

Coming home with a new baby is a shock in itself but with body trauma and major operation is far too much for some of us to cope with.

7 months after the birth is a bit soon to be discussing further babys, I waited 4 years which is a great gap and they love each other so much.