after PND - just a query

[kittymch]

I'd just be grateful if other mnetters could share their experience on this one:

I found first six months of DDs life very hard going. I found the 24/7ish of it a total shock (I know what was I expecting?!) DD had colic, we had no close family to help, I was diagnosed with PND, and DP and I didn't really manage to pull together through the tough times. I cried so much I'm surprised I didn't turn crispy!

Now that DD is 14 months things are soooo much better, I love her to bits and feel really priveliged to be able to see her grow up and develop. DP and I still have the odd run in, but that's probably just us rather than any external pressures.

Anyway, now that things are on an even keel I look back on the first year and a) feel like I failed b) wonder why I made such a big song and dance of everything and c) feel like I missed out on what should have been a really special time. What's worse, and probably marks me out as a bad person, is that when I hear about other friends/colleagues having an ok or even good experience in those first few months I feel jealous, and then think 'well, humph it's alright for them because they're not dealing with colic/have help/don't argue with their DP' etc/etc/etc...

Is this normal? Will it ever pass?

Your post made me laugh as it sounds so similar to my situation! We are six months in (DD is 6.5 months now) and I've found it really tough, as has DP, and yes we've had our not so good moments too!
Lovely to hear that things are so much better now and although I am enjoying it a lot more now than at the start (thank goodness!) it's good to hear you say that as it makes me feel positive about the future.
So I'm writing from the perspective of being 'behind' you but people say to me 'enjoy every minute they grow up so fast', etc., and I know I should but it is so difficult when you're in it. Yes, I love my daughter, but I could (and do!) cry when I think that this time last year me and DP were lying next to a pool in tuscany reading our books, with all the time in the world to sleep, chill out, etc.
So I think you can't retrospectively enjoy things, IFYSWIM.
On the jealousy point I boil with rage hearing about peoples beautiful home water births or babies just 'popping out' in half an hour, compared to my 30 hour marathon with two almost emergency caesareans (as in, rushed into theatre twice!) attended by every member of the hospital staff practically, then a long hospital stay. I try to be 'nice' about it but walk away and burst into tears afterwards sometimes.
So, from my limited perspective and experience, yes it is normal, and it will pass (as everything does, eventually), and you're not a bad person, just honest!
And you sound like you have a good perspective on things which means you're moving on already .

I was just like you.

Went for DC2 when DS1 was 14 months with some trepidation.
It was fine, I had no PND whatsoever and I thoroughly enjoyed all the stuff I should have enjoyed with DS1 but was too busy crying and making a big song and dance about everything.

I understand. I had horrendous undiagnosed with DD who is now nearly 7. She and I missed out on so much during her first 6 months, I can hardly remember a thing from that time apart from me crying and feeling miserable. And like you I see other mums who didn't suffer like me and feel resentful and jealous and like you think to myself like you, that they had help and/or didn't have PND etc. It still affects me now when I see/meet new mums with a new baby who are not struggling and depressed and miserable.

I am sorry I don't have any words of advice or wisdom that might help you. But you have helped me by starting this thread and talking about how you feel as I have always kept this to myself til now and it feels good to be able to talk about it.

Sorry, maybe I am a bit tipsy, meant to say I had horrendous undiagnosed PND.

And when mums with older children keep telling you to make the most of the bit where you are at now. It is so annoying as I am sure that they must know when how it is virtually impossible to make the most of any bit at the time. It is only in hindsight that you realise how lovely it was, usually only because you've moved on to a new, harder phase.

thanks ladies, good to hear your experiences. I think I can safely say I'm probably pretty normal, maybe some people are just good at some things and other people better at others - for example I quite like working on budgets and don't mind public speaking, which might be a dread for others...though come to think of it I've never had to do it 24 hours a day, including three times during night

Not sure about TTC yet though...in my head the very idea of an amorous encounter just equals crying and shouting (and I don't mean that in a good way ). Poor DP

Indeed your description of PND is spot on, very similar to mine. And yes, I too feel a little jealous of mothers who held it together through those first months. BUT, like choklit, I also think having this PND has been good for me in the long run:
--I know myself much better now and have emotional skills I never had before
--I have a realistic picture of mental illness when before I thought it only happens to weak people
--I am more empathetic and overall a kinder person having been through it

Of course, I wouldn't wish PND on anyone, but I am also convinced that it wasn't all lost time and wasted opportunity. Do you feel any benefits at all? Or am I just rationalizing?

choklit and perestroika, I agree with the positives that have resulted for me too as a result of the horrible PND I went through with both my DC's. I realise now that I had the PND for a reason and because of it I have confronted and dealt with issues that would otherwise have remained buried.

But as well as the positive there was a big negative and that was the special, magical, bonding time DD and I should have had which is now gone forever. That is a loss for both her and me. I don't dwell on this loss, I try and make the most of the here and now, but I think for me, it is important to simply acknowledge the loss and accept it as a part of my life.

Hmmm - I'm not sure if there were any positives about PND for me...except that it eventually went away. I don't think I learnt anything and would have preferred to have had a different time during the first six months. The more I look back at it now, it just happened and then went away - with the help of a very supportive doctor and some anti-depressants.

Although...and it is a wee although...things seem soooo much easier now, and maybe if I hadn't had PND back then I'd be thinking it was knackering now!