i suffer with bdp and depression due to childhood abuse from my father, step father, and raped by a stranger.i have spent a while trying to check out my real father as no longer have contact wth him but had heard he had another daughter my dd age. social didn't want to know so had to leave it. my step father has no contact with children (long story) but anyway today i found out my real father had committed suicide in nov last year. we not sure why as the news was through a friend of a friend of a friend. not sure how to deal with this. i get suicidal and now wander whether its something that runs thru the family, whether he regretted what he did, did he do it to his new daughter. i kind of know i shouldn't worry about it and am relieved that i now can walk the streets with my head up high knowing i will never see him again but on the other hand i am angry that ss never checked him out. really not sure. i am all over the place at the moment any way so this is not helping. why am i bothered have not seen him for 18 yrs at least. i dont understand my thoughts, (confused)