Any ideas on how to help someone with depression?

[DisturbingMachines]

Mum and Dad split up two years ago after being together for 40 years. Dad had depression before they split up, and he's now living on his own and has been at rock bottom for the whole of the two years.

He's lonely, isolated and angry at the future he sees as being stolen from him. The depression, coupled with the break down of a marriage after so long together, really has him trapped in a very bleak place.

I try to support him, but he seems to find it very difficult to accept help, and doesn't see himself as worthy of anybody else's love, which I'm guessing is a result of being rejected. I can see this in other parts of what his life is now, he wont allow himself to be comfortable, if that makes sense.

He wont go to the doctors, or go back on any kind of medication. He wont go to counselling. I think he understands his depression and copes with it the best he can, but it keeps him only a couple of notches off committing suicide. He's said he hasn't got the guts to do that a couple of times, so I know he's feeling that he wants to stop the pain and doesn't have any other options.

He's having a really tough time the past couple of days, and wont even talk on the phone or let us go over to see him, so I'm just texting him, which isn't ideal, but I want him to know he's not on his own.

I really would be grateful for any help you could give, I really am worried about him.

Have you thought of contacting one of these for advice?

Depression Alliance

Mind

DM - Your poor dad sounds so poorly that any advice, other than from professionals, could be misleading and dangerous.

If your are really concerned about him being suicidal I would suggest you ring his GP pronto. It maybe the best for him would be to be sectioned.

Its sounds very much like he's too ill to see how badly he needs help. It's the exact equivalent of breaking your back and managing at home with paracetemol.

Please let us know how you and he get on.

yes phone his GP, if he is a danger to himself he could be sectioned which may be a good thing in this situation

Thanks so much for answering.

Unfortunately, due to the way he lives now moving about, he's not registered with a doctor.

I would also be concerned that if I did go to a health professional he would see it as me going behind his back and breaking the trust we have, he wouldn't talk about it to me again which would then leave him with noone.

I think I'm right in believing that he wouldn't kill himself because of what it would do to my DC (and me as well, but mostly the DC) and he's insinuated as much. But it still leaves the fact that he's thinking about it most of the time and it's always in the back of my mind that I might be wrong.

I suggest you contact your GP anyway. You have my sympathies, by the way; I have experienced v similar with my father.

Do you have brothers or sisters or anyone who can support you in this? You cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness, though I know you desperately want to help.

There should be mental health key workers who can help your dad and your GP is probably the best person to ask about it. I understand why you say you are worried about interfering but seriously this is too hard for one person to be responsible for alone, and your health is just as important as your dad's.

"I think I'm right in believing that he wouldn't kill himself because of what it would do to my DC"

I really wish that were true, disturbingmachines, but unfortunately people do commit suicide who have families. It is incredibly hard (impossible) to know just how depressed someone is. Some people can actually put quite a front on their feelings, disguise things, when feeling desperately ill.

It will be difficult if your dad does not have a gp, but I agree that going to your own gp will help you with some practical advice and a way forward. Then you can discuss your findings with your dad.

I see what you're saying twoisplenty, he says if he does have to see anyone else he puts a brave face on things, so when he says how he is to me without that brave face, I believe he is telling the truth.

He has a very close relationship with DD1, and I really don't believe he would shatter her life, he would put up with the pain he's in to save her from it.

I think I said about him committing suicide as an illustration of what state his mind is in. The last time he said it was after he'd sent a text saying how he felt, so he was aware the text read as though he wanted to end it, and he was reassuring me he wouldn't go through with it even though he might want to.

It's not that I don't feel able to go to a health prof just because I would break his trust, if I read the situation and really thought he was a danger to himself right at this minute I would risk upsetting him just so I could get him immediate short term help.

But say I went to the profs and broke up the rest of what he has now if he really wasn't thinking of suicide, that would definately make things worse.

It's so difficult writing it down, hope it makes sense.

Hmmm, I do understand your point about breaking the trust between you. How about going to the GP for some advice, and making sure the GP understands that you don't want any action taking, just a chat. Or, as Ellastables suggested, call someone through the Mind group?

On a practical front, helping someone through depression is so difficult. I suffered severe depression when younger, and it really locks you inside yourself.

The only really practical advice is to try to encourage your father to get outside for a walk, every single day.

I was going to suggest some positive affirmations. Now, these really do work, but I am not sure how receptive your father would be.

Affirmations work by keeping the mind in a positive state, whereas depression is where the mind is constantly in a negative state. Saying affirmations everyday at least 3 times, helps the mind to switch to a positive state. Phrases such as "I am taking care of myself", "I enjoy walking in the fresh air every day", "I am working towards feeling calm and contented" may sound ridiculous to start with, but the subconscious picks up on it and believes it (in time). I wrote a list of about 15 affirmations, and said them every day. It really helped, and I was severely depressed at that point.

As I say, I'm not sure if your father would give it a go, but I am so grateful that someone gave me that advice because it really turned me around from feeling so terrible.

How are your today disturbingmachines?

Getting out for a walk every day is a great idea.

My best friend is suffering with depression at the moment (not perhaps as severe as your dad but severe enough for her to be off work for the last few weeks). I drove over one morning and picked her up, and took her for a walk at a country park. She said it really helped. A couple of weeks later we went out for a walk and a picnic. She's actually on the mend now, through medication, counselling and other things too, but I do believe that those outings were a help to her.

I have heard that exercise is incredibly beneficial to mental health.

Do you live near your dad? Could you and dd1 perhaps commit to taking him out for a walk a couple of times a week?

He does actually walk quite a lot, but he does it to fill some of the endless hours he sees stretching out in front of him day in day out. So instead of giving him any benefit, it seems just to affirm how isolated and lonely he is.

I totally agree about the positive affirmations, positive thoughts generate other positive thoughts, and the same with negative ones. But because he's thinking about the breakdown of his marriage most of the time, he refuses to see anything positive in his life.

He did allow himself to enjoy spending time with DD1, but he has stopped even this at the minute.

he is making his decision re: help - so not much more you can do.

"He wont go to the doctors, or go back on any kind of medication. He wont go to counselling. I think he understands his depression and copes with it the best he can, but it keeps him only a couple of notches off committing suicide"

but if you commit to him say once a week or more regular visits then at least will show him point of being alive and looking forward to this?

rest is really up to him - if you seriously concerned he might kill himself you have to rbeak his trust and call 999

From personal experience, getting out in the fresh air for a walk is about the best you can do.

If he is a fan of animals; either a dog or if it is too much pressure to be the owner he could offer dog-walking to the local rescue (or there are charities for people who want to keep their pets but can't walk them too).

How about telling him that it's an illness, no different from heart disease or diabetes, and whilst those mught be triggered by unhealthy eating, his was triggered by a marriage break up but still it's just a disease. he doesn't have to feel this way. he has a right to happiness and the illness tells him he doesn't. It's a very poor judge and you're a better one. Medicationa nd counselling will get him back to a point where the life he's bravely just about holding onto will seem more enjoyable to him. you love him, so fo your DCs and it would be great to spend happy days with him together in the coming years and to see him enjoy whatever he chooses to do with his life.

Bit of a lecture but you need to be quite forceful and plain speaking because the illness (I have it, so does my DH) is very dominant and you sort of have to shout it down without him feeling you're criticising him personally. If you can convince him it's just another ailment he might let himself be treated. For as long as he believes this is a natural reaction to separation then he won't. It might be natural for a year or so but after that in healthy bodies and minds self-preservation and interest in life kicks back in. He deserves to at least try and experience these again.

But you feel so sluggish, so utterly incapable of even the basics when it's really got hold of you, that he will need you to take the first steps. Drive him to a medical centre, sit with him, stay loving and positive.

Good luck. He's lucky to have you.

Sorry about all the typos. Long day. Hope it makes sense.