Feeling really down

[chichirou]

Just been reading some of the threads and could really do with some kind words.
DD is 1 and she is lovely however the 1st 6 months were really hard and I keep panicking that things are going to go back to what they were and I couldn't go through that again.

I go through spells of not sleeping well and then get a few good nights so am always up and down about things but end up crying and feeling really low at least once a week.

Other than my wonderful husband I have very little support that I feel I can call on. I feel really lonely and have too much time to stew over things. My parents are not there for me and so far haven't met my daughter yet as they are waiting for me to go and see them (they live abroad).

DH works long hours and is on call at the weekend so I feel like I can never relax. We have been trying to look for a job for so long and nothing comes through.

I just feel really down and worry that this will affect DD. I also keep worrying that I will end up being like my mum.

I feel terrible that I give DH a hard time when he tries so hard to make me happy.

I just want something to get better so that I can have faith in life again and not feel like my life is a mess.

I lost my (beloved) job a few months after giving birth so money is also a worry.

Sorry this is such a long (and pathetic post) but knowing that someone has gone through similar circumstances and has survived would really help. Hope there are not too many spelling mistakes - had a bad night last night...

I found the first year after having a baby incredibly hard too.

Sorry about your job too, that must have been hard too.

I wouldn't worry that life will be like having a newborn again, it won't I promise (nothing is like that until you have another baby, and that isn't such a shock the second time around..)

It is difficult when you are on you own with a non verbal baby for a lot of the time, it is what I really struggled with. When DS learned to talk it make life a lot more rewarding, it was like actual company iyswim.

I also suffer from insomnia, don't underestimate how depressed continuous lack of sleep can make you feel. Is there any way that you could catch up at weekends?

Also perhaps it would be worth ruling out PND - just as a precaution. Do you have a nice HV you can talk to?

Sorry this is rushed, got an ill DS on my knee

Hope you are feeling ok chichirou?

Going out for the day now, I will check back in later.

Thanks it does help to know that I am not a freak for finding it so hard.

DH keeps saying about PND but I am so scared of investigating it. I would worry about AD and even counselling as I am scared of what would happen if I dealt with my relationship with my parents. I am so terrified of unravelling completely...

But I want to be a good mum and be happy so maybe need to think about it.

Thanks for reading my message HumphreyCobbler and hope DS is better.

''I am scared of what would happen if I dealt with my relationship with my parents. I am so terrified of unravelling completely...''

For what it is worth I'm dealing with buried memories of child abuse resurfaced after ds's birth, attachment problem due to mum not caring appropriately when I was a toddler, coming to terms with discovering mum and dad did not pick up distress signals and did not stop abuse, bad mummy feelings, ds's disability. It hard and at times I wonder how to go on but I have not completely unravelled. I unravel sometimes in safe company but most people in my environment don't have the first clue anything is the matter. You can only get better from getting the poison out.

Thanks willsurvivethis. I was actually thinking that I am unravelling anyway. Can it get worse by trying to face up to things? It's weird how having children brings things back up to the surface. I did not expect that - I worried about lack of sleep, no social life, no money but not having to face up to the past. That's what I find really difficult and you are right it's hard to know how to go on (happily)...

Hi there.

Just popped in to see how you are doing (DS doing better thanks!).

I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with all of this extra stuff .

Perhaps you don't need to deal with all of it at once, some help now (ADs or counselling or CBT) might help you to get to a place where you could think about the deeper stuff. It is just an idea, and also remember that no one can make you take or do anything that you don't feel comfortable with. It may help in the short term in terms of your sleeping problems. Being so so tired will not be helping in the slightest, I became almost unhinged through lack of sleep last year.

Do keep posting, there is lots of support here. Hope you manage to get some sleep.