after almost 3 years I am starting to feel like "me" again

[onepieceoflollipop]

I feel a bit guilty posting in this topic tbh. Firstly because my issue isn't particularly serious. Also I have worked in mental health for many many years and I feel I should be stronger.

Anyway, I have 2 dds. When dd2 was born (birth etc was fine) she didn't need much sleep. I have been exhausted for pretty much 1.5 -2 years. Connected with this my self confidence and general mood has deteriorated. Generally I am a confident,sociable person.

For the last (almost) 3 years I have been anxious, more withdrawn and felt that my confidence has taken a real knock. I would say I have probably had a mild depressive episode. (I don't say that lightly, I am a mental health nurse)

I have managed to work, pt, but I have really withdrawn myself from everything else. In preference to rl I have preferred to stay at home, spend hours on mnet drink wine in the evenings, eat chocolate and not much else. I have managed to work but my social life has taken a real dive.

So, I am now feeling slightly more like "me" iykwim. I am now having to try and rekindle my social life. For so long I have felt overwhelmed and kind of thought that I need to be at home, doing household stuff and "relaxing" I am not starting to feel bored and stifled by this.

I know all this is fairly common, but any words of support from people who have been through similar would be appreciated.

I kind of feel I have wasted the last 2-3 years. Oddly enough I didn't seem to experience this after dd1 was born.

I don't think you can consider it a waste - perhaps it was sort of "hibernation" time? I think I'm still in mine (DD is 2.9) but your post has given me a bit jolt of hope that I'll find "me" in a few months time.

Sorry - I don't expect that was much help.

Belle, it was some help, just knowing I am not the only one.

I feel I have cut people off for so long. For a long time that felt "safe" but now I am just starting to feel a bit lonely.

Onepiece, no day of your life is wasted. Don't see it like that.

As you know, I suffered PND after each of my children.

For some years, I beat myself up over the first 18 months of DD1's life, of which I have very little memory (I went back to work FT when she was 8 weeks old, leaving her with DH as SAHD, because I could not cope).

This carried on.

But then, when seeing hte psych nurse after DS's birth, she pointed out something.

That I'm not very kind to myself. In fact, I'm quite cruel to myself.

There is nothing that can be done about the past. So instead see it as just another phase in your life.

Have you ever, say, stayed in a shitty job?

Think of how miserable you were in it.

But after you left, you didn't beat yourself up and say you wasted all that time, did you?

That's because your job was just one part of your life, one part of who you are.

Well, so are mental health problems.

If you look at it that way, considering that you did work, and during that time, you helped many people, then you can't see it as a waste.

Glad to read you are feeling better .

Thank you expat (you made me cry, but in a good way iykwim). You are very wise, and your posts have indirectly helped me in the past.

(apart from the ghost stories. )

Yes, I think I did help people while I was working, ironically some of them adjusting to new babies/new challenges in life.

I have been hard on myself.

However on a very positive note I have ended up with 2 gorgeous dds and a lovely dh (finally I found a man who was "normal" and respected me for who I am)

Being unkind to yourself can become a habit, too. It can become easier, too, in many ways.

I had to unlearn that, because most of my adult life has been spent being quite self-destructive.

Something that helped me is the ol' 'Three Good Things'.

Every day, you have to write down three good things that happened to you.

It can be that you found chocolate on offer, or you read a good post, or you saw a cool bird in your garden and had to find out what it was.

But it made life worth living for me, at a time when I thought the world, including my children, would definitely be better off without me.

Some days are good. Some days are bad.

But wherever there is a morning, then there's a day.

I am trying (gradually) to re-socialise myself (if that is a word). Instead of automatically thinking "oh I have been at work all day" or "oh I am tired and need to stay home and do housework" I am more open to invitations.

for example rather than automatically give a "good" excuse when I am invited to do something, I challenge myself to say yes and take a risk.

I had a difficult childhood so some of this stuff is very hard for me. My self esteem may never be "normal".

I am lonely but part of this was created by me shutting myself away when I felt low.

It's too bad you don't live up here or me there, then .

It would be nice to meet you for a coffee and CAKE!

One step at a time. One day at a time. One minute at a time.

You're getting there. And that's a v. good thing.

I know, loads of the decent mners live in Scotland. (I have only been there once, as a child, and even then only slighly over the border)

Would be fab if we were more local to each other.

I am going to sort out the laundry now. That's something else we have in common, a good natter about laundry. It's smelling gorgeous, persil was on offer in Sainsburys. lol

Mmm, Persil smells fab. Co-op has powder on offer. So that's what we are using now and it smells v. nice.

Persil does smell fab. I've just rediscovered it after years of using fairy and can really smell it on the kids and hubby. Yum.

I loved your post. I think sometimes people feel they can't come on here to say things are on the up but that's such a lovely post to read. It's sooooo helpful to know there's light at the end of the tunnel. I've been on a down recently, and though on Citalopram now it seems to be working soooo slowly. I desperately want to feel like 'me' again, so I know exactly what you mean, and it's a gorgeous moment when you realise you are back in your own skin, if you know what I mean.

Like the others, I don't think that time you had was wasted. If nothing else it will help deepen your understanding of the people you treat. But also, I sometimes think the dark times help me feel extra appreciative of the good times. I'm not bi-polar but do get almost high with delight about tiny things like pretty birds in the garden or a hug from the kids because they remind me how far I've come from the worst of times.

So, thank you for posting your post. It's really cheered me up. I was going to come on here and moan: How long will it take for the Citalopram to kick in? But think I'll have a cup of tea and chill for half an hour instead, and remember the bad times pass, just as you say.

racingheart thanks for posting. Like you, I do have some good days where I am almost overly-happy about small things. (clean washing being one of them Also sometimes I look at the dcs and take delight in tiny things that they say.

I know that you didn't ask me this directly but re the Citalopram. Will take 3-4 weeks to reach optimum effect. If not feeling much better by 4 weeks then go back to doctor as they may review the dose. (on a positive note some people start to notice slight improvements after as little as 7-10 days, e.g. slightly better sleep or appetite)

I had a really positive day, with "old" friend and did a bit round the house. Then things went down a bit. Due to mil who phoned about something (long story but very minor issue) and took offence at dh and slammed the phone down.

It is part of her behaviour to slam the phone down whenever she doesn't get her own way. We try not to let it bother us, but it does tbh. It makes me and upsets dh. Also as I am sensitive any behaviour like that kind of makes me over react.

I know exactly how you feel. After I had DS, 4 years ago, my literally 1000's of memories from my abusive childhood were triggered and I have spent the last 4 years sorting out my issues. I too have pretty much hibernated for that time, hardly ever socialised, kept in touch with literally 1 or 2 friends whom I would meet say, once every 6 months.

But like you, I am also feeling better now and more able to socialise. I am having to put in lots of effort to make friends as I have not socialised at all with the mums at school since DD started there 3 years ago and it is quite hard now to try and break into established groups. But I am determined and will get there in the end.

I don't see my 4 years in hibernation as wasted time. I did a lot of hard work on myself, sorting out the legacy of childhood abuse and it was time well spent, essential really for the proper functioning of my family.

I think if you also felt the need to hibernate then it was for a reason and you were right to respect the needs of your body and mind during that time and not expose yourself to things (eg socialising) that you may not have been able to handle at that time. Now you feel better and you are naturally starting to feel a bit bored and lonely at home, just like I did, and this is what is now driving me to go out and make friends. And it's well worth it, there are some lovely mums at DD's school and it is nice to finally start getting to know them.

I would say don't feel bad, you did what was necessary at the time, now things have changed, evolved and moved forward, and so can you. Good Luck!

I think one of my underlying worries that I have left it too late/missed out on certain friendships. But logically I know that wasn't the case.

soangry I too had a difficult childhood. I suspect that once I had dd2 (and we are not having any more) I felt subconsciously that I wanted to spend time focussing on my "complete" family. It took me by surprise initially as I was fine when dd1 was born.

It is (and possibly always will be) an ongoing battle with coming to terms with my childhood and working out how old patterns won't be repeated with my dcs.