Depression,PND or just sheer exhaustion??

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Hi, hope someone can help me shed some light on what I'm feeling.....
I'm currently on mat leave with 6 month twins & have dd1 who is nearly 2.
Have suffered reactive depression about 12 yrs ago, but am obviously very busy with dcs and am struggling with how I feel.
Not sure if coping with the dcs, lack of sleep as still up at least twice a night & have early mornings too, money worries as mat pay has now stopped, coping with housework, my inability to ask for help/dp's inability to follow through when I do, etc is just leaving me shattered and feeling so low or if its something more iyswim?

I love my dcs dearly and some days I just want to pack them in the car and drive away. Doesn't matter where. Just don't want to be in the house. Feel like crying and some days its an uphill battle to keep smiling for their sakes, find myself being shouty mummy and hate myself for it-my dd1 is the happiest, well behaved toddler and doesn't deserve me shouting at her, I try not too but feel so guilty when I do. I'm bfing and somedays just feel so at the thought of another day of it, but then think its better for them etc

Sorry for rambling, just want to know if this is sort of normal or if its something I should speak to my gp about? Is it too late for PND? never had the check from HV as she thought I sounded fine on the phone so wouldn't bother coming to see me to do it

It's not too late for PND. I think you should definitely talk to your GP.

My hat off to you for BF twins, by the way.

I just got to the bit where you say you have 6 months twins and a DD1 who is nearly two and I say, good heavens lady, congratulations and hats off to you. I am not remotely surprised that you feel like you do. You must be shattered.

As Lynette says, it could be PND or you could just be utterly utterly whacked. Or it could be the whacked-ness leading to the PND, IYSWIM.

Let's start with the basics. What kind of practical help do you have? Me-time. Time-off. One hour, two hours. Is there the remotest possibility of getting this? See friends, swim, lie still with Closer magazine on your head, whatever... Is there anyone who could help?

I feel that if you go to your GP, you might just get given ADs- great by the way, nothing against them- whereas what you might really need is someone to help around the house. What do you think? What does DP think?

Thanks - I know I'm tired but its kind of blurry if its just tiredness (haven't had 1 full nights sleep since I was about 5 months pregnant) or if its something else as well.

Have next to no practical help, DP leaves at 7.45am & is back just in time for bedtime at 7pm so by the time he's showered, eaten, done some work (setting up his own business) the days gone, so all the housework falls to me. I'm terrible at asking for help though - I feel that everyone thinks I'll cope so I do. I've tried leaving things & asking dp to do them but it takes him so long to get round to it that I end up doing it & it takes longer because its built up if that makes sense?

Have no me time really - should be doing things for tommorrow now. People say " oh you're coping so well" and don't listen if I say I'm not. I live a good 45 mins/hr away from my family and close friends & they all work so feel I can't ask them to give up their days off to help -they do visit but I'd rather go to them, just to get out of the house for a few hrs.

Have don't think dp thinks its pnd but he wouldn't look into it iyswim? He wouldn't notice on his own, just assumes I'm tired & irritable- he tries to help and offered to do night feeds with a bottle on sat nights but he's such a deep sleeper, I have to wake up to wake him up to see to the babies & then I'm awake listening to him trying to be quiet & I end up getting up anyway!

Aw, I want to give you a big un-MNetty hug. Although I only have one DD, I know completely what it is like to be terrible at asking for help. I wish you lived near me....

Do you mind if I really strongly encourage you to take some tiny steps towards getting some more help? For example, could you possibly get dp to do the night feeds with a bottle on Saturday so that you get one full nights sleep. I do think that would help you enormously. Can't he sleep in with them or with the monitor on his pillow or something? Really that is so great he has offered. This Saturday?

Also, could you possibly identify one friend or family person and say to them that it's really difficult and can they help? Even just one? I know that won't come easily. One of the most important things for me about being depressed was that I never asked for help, and I wish wish wish that I had. I think I just didn't want to admit that I needed some practical help.

Finally, before I go to bed (but I'll log on tomorrow to see if any of these ideas are a go-er), have you heard of Homestart?

I'm suprised there haven't been more replies to this, as I think you are in a place millions of woman have been. I found it really hard with a toddler and one baby, and I didn't even have twins.

For the first year of having a baby and toddler, I only responded to what was needed there and then,such as nappy changes and feeds, it wasn't until later I could start doing things a head.

If your DH is anything like mine, asking for help with night feeds would be a pointless exercise, unless I wasn't actually there, IFSWIM. I would have to go away for the night. I did actually consider going and sleeping at my mothers house around the corner once, so I could have 12 hours solid, much longed for sleep.

We got a cleaner, which was helpful.

Thank you for the hug frigatebird. I am going to get dp to do the night feeds on sat, have told him he has to either wait up as 1st feed is usually around midnight or have the monitor on loud next to him. Hopefully he'll be awake enough to realise its his turn for a change. I will try and talk to my mum, think she suspects somethings wrong but we're both similar in can't ask for help and brush off offers of help, so think she'll be waiting for me to say. Its hard though - not the done thing in my family not to cope with your lot.

LynetteScavo would love to go & check into a hotel & hide while dp does it all for 24 hrs but he hardly sees the dcs so doesn't really know their routines and it would be chaos, he does spend the time he's here playing with them rather than the boring stuff which I'm ok with as I want the dcs to know their daddy and for him to see all the little developments they've made in the week. Would love a cleaner but really can't afford one (and I'd feel I have to clean before she got here!) the house isn't too bad but I like to have my surroundings tidy and when they're not it upsets me and I feel more out of sorts.

I feel like this too, so hugs, you're not alone.

The way I think I'm feeling is that if I was just getting some sleep I could cope, and I can cope when I do. But when I've not had a good nights sleep, the next day I'm teary, I feel devoid of hope, ratty with my DS - and he is a total joy, so then I feel meanmummy...

So I don't think I'm depressed with life, but I acknowledge that continued lack of sleep and feeling like this may very well make me depressed. SO I've just started a v low dose antidep and have put my name down for CBT. It's taken me 6 months to face up to the problem, but I feel better for having tackled it - even though I am still having bad days.

OMG I think you are amazing doing all that on your own! Especially with limited sleep. It really doesnt sound like you are depressed, just knackered!

You must seek out and get support, are there any surestart centres in your area? they are wonderful and offer all sorts of support, free creches, play groups. Ask your health visitors what is on in your area.

If your family are only 45 mins away can you visit them, would they take the children for an hour or so and let you have a nap? It sounds like your mum is a good bet, there must be even small ways that they can support you.

With your dh, could he take the children out for a few hours at weekends so that you could catch up on sleep? what about early evenings? could you express so that he could do bottle feeds and you could go to sleep when your toddler does?

Speak to your family, speak to your dh, tell them how you are feeling. Everything is not just your responsibility.

Hello, how are you today?

That is great that you're going to get some kip tomorrow night. I really hope you can follow through on that. You have earned it.

Right, whose offers of help have you "brushed off?" Could you think really carefully back, and then get in touch with them? I bet they would be chuffed to be asked.

One thing you said really resonated with me. You say it's "not the done thing in your family not to cope with your lot". There is a different way though of looking at it, though? That is, you're going to cope with your lot, and in order to do that you're going to enlist all the resources that are necessary for you to do that. Your three DCs need a mum who is not on her knees, and in order to ensure that they get that, you're going to ask your dp, mum, friends, whoever, to pitch in. That's not failure, or being rubbish or not coping. That's identifying the resources needed to raise your DC. That's a fab thing to do. As other posters say, it shouldn't all fall to you.

I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching. It's just that, to an outsider, a dp who only plays and doesn't do the boring stuff needs a bit of a prod, frankly. And maybe your mum would like to help.

There are no prizes for being a martyr. Call in those reinforcements if you can!

Sending positive vibes. Let us know how you are getting on. xx

Thank you for all your help, did call mum and asked her to come to me for a change. Idea being she could play with the dcs and I could do chores but when she offered to help I remembered what you have said frigatebird I accepted and she did all my ironing . Have to say in dp's defence he usually tries to help with the boring stuff but hes working full time & setting up his own company so he gets very little time with the dcs at the moment & he's been triple checking the nightime routine so he gets it right without waking me and he will do it every sat night from now on.

fionash thats prety much how I feel, think I may try & see gp next wk and talk over my options re antidepressants as well, don't want to take them but don't want to be up and down so much for my babies either.

Hey there, I also have a DD who has just turned two, and 6 month old twins (am bf too), so I know exactly how busy it can be.

It sounds as if you have been coping amazingly well, given that the bulk of the childcare seems to be falling to you. I am quite in awe of you, cos I need thankfully have lots of help (family & friends nearby)!

I would second what everyone else says about getting some you time. It's hard not to get caught up just being a mummy; sometimes it's so difficult to get the time as well (DH & I have agreed that in the very near future I can return to the gym, and he'll be in charge of the kids while I'm away).

People kept offering me help; I stubbornly refused at the start, but DH works long days/nights, and I definitely need help getting 3 kids ready for bed. Do take people up on whatever they offer to do; they shouldn't offer if they don't mean it!

Have your DTs started spoonfeeds yet? Mine have & at least I know I have a window when someone else other than me can feed them.

As for housework, do what you can. I have accepted that my house will never be immaculate, & for the foreseeable future there will be toys strewn everywhere, spew stains on the sofa & babyrice/Cheerios on the kitchen floor

I find it difficult not to lose my temper with DD too sometimes. I know I expect too much of her sometimes; she's only little. I've tried counting to ten (it sometimes works!) and I'm trying to pick my battles (i.e. don't sweat the small stuff!). But it's hard, isn't it? Like you, I find it easier when we get out of the house.

Hope this is not out of line... when I'm not on mat leave, I work in mental health. If you have had an episode of depression before, then yes, you'll be more likely to have PND than someone who has never been depressed. But you're absolutely right, it might just be that you are shattered! I'd go along to your GP & have a chat. There are lots if treatment options if it turns out you are depressed. If you do need ADs, Sertraline in particular is safe to take whilst bf.

Hope some of that has been of some use! Sorry about the long post!

Wishing you all the very best (& remember, you are doing an amazing job!)

about the ironing and the night feeds.

That post from WhenKevinMetSadie is great, says so many things better than I could, and from someone who actually has 1 DC plus bf twins too!

Hope it goes well with the GP in the week.