Losing Therapist

[Keziahhopes]

My therapist told me this week that in a few months she is stopping work due to looking after her physical health (hypertension) and I cannot see her. She will still do some supervision and teaching.

I am devastated - having lost any help from NHS she is the only person I have ever been able to connect to - and being told stopping seeing her can help me grow more than I can imagine doesn't help. I hurt - I have never trusted anyone so much and cannot possibly start again, nor could I afford to start again. She cannot suggest anyone, she openly admits she knows of no one with her skill set and belief system that is the same as mine.

I cannot stop crying - I know it is stupid, but as she said she knew telling me would reinforce the abandonment issues I have, the other things that I would rather not say. I am all on my own - the final sessions are for "finishing" and I cannot even finish the piece of work we were on, or recover with her. It hurst so much, but I cannot tell anyone - my husband got his own counsellor to help him with how I am, and a charity worker to support him, but I have no-one. I don't deserve anyone, I never have I realise.

Oh Keziah that is so so hard for you. Can make a hundred comment but none of them will help you where you are now so I will settle for a hug x

For what it is worth though I changed therapists not so long ago. I thought I would feel so lost without M but C is at this stage in my life the better counsellor and I'm able to do work that I couldn't do with M.

That is really difficult. It is such an intense relationship, the one with a therapist. I am about to stop seeing mine (one on the NHS under the Improved Access to Psychological Treatment initiative) and it brings up a lot of stuff. It is okay to grieve for this relationship ending. It is really hard.

Willsurvivethis - unfortunatley for me I need C, she openly admitted that to finish work mid-done, would mean starting all over again, and that is if a new therapis would accept the diagnosis I have, or rather had, before psychiatrist changed it, then left me as did all other NHS mental health people. She was the only person I had left. I cannot financially or emotionally. I am so vunlerable, according to everyone, that i need to move forward not stop and start again. Nor do I have anyone else to see - she trained specially in certain things in past 2 years for me (and therefoer others). She is also of same faith as me, which I didn't think mattered, but actually it has been a real bonus.

It is the fact it is ending without any hope or future, having invested so much. She said if I attached to her then I could learn to attach to others, but I can't if work not finished. Feel so damaged, it is just the same pattern repeating itself.

sorry podsquash you stopping seeing yours - good you got one on NHS though.It is hard. NHS will not give me any help - say I am not stable enough, so all withdrawn, not had any help fro 4 weeks now - not even from C, as just had a "this is ending "talk only in one month - 3 times not see - she doesn't work every week anyway!

I hate the lack of control - I chose to work with her, shouldn't have done, as it got me nowhere.Can't trust anyone - she said to trust her, but she lied. Worst thing is she sitll continuing other things - but I am not important to her - she said she cared, but she lied.

Kezia I dont know what to say, I'm soo sorry your going through this.

I dont know what to say to make you feel better, but I do understand what your going through
xx

Oh great - just found out probs with me and dh, which is why we have tried for first child for so long. IVF or ICSI only route now - one cycle funded only in our area, we don't have unlimited funds either.

And my therapist own area of interest and her speciality is infertility etc - just as I lose her I find out my situation.

No longed for child, no therapy to aid recovery and dumped by CMHT. How does one carry on?

I just wanted to add something to this.
I had the most brilliant therapist three years ago. First person I trusted, told everything to and connected with. Was with her 2 years and then she announced that we had to finish (and she did go on to retire after I ended with her). I knew for the last 6 months that the end was coming up and I honestly didn't think I could cope with it ending. It was such a painful loss and I don't think people can understand this if they haven't had a good (much needed) therapist.

However, I am fine. Really.
It was hard at first, really hard, but time has helped me hugely. I've gone on to speak to someone else briefly and that felt fine, but other than that I have been lucky enough to not need any more therapy.

It can be negotiated successfully, and I feel rather angry on your behalf that she said no one else could help - there are definitely other great therapists out there. Not masses of them, but they definitely exist. And the work you have done won't have been in vain. It might feel terribly daunting, but you will get through this.

There is an association of infertility specialists and they list counsellors, I believe. Google will help more than I can with that though.

Thanks for that bathbuns - think for me it is the lack of time to tie everything up, and the fact she is reducing her work, and I am part of it that is going and we are part-way through work, which will not be finished. The infertility is the thing that worries me least, as we not worked on that - but to start again the work I need to do, feels so demoralising - what if another person drops me?? The NHS have already done that, with my cpn saying she was going to stop seeing me, for a variety of reasons and now they have decided to "reassess me needs" - why? Because they have no one trained to see me, is the real answer, so need to change my needs to fit their paperwork.

Angry, very upset, feeling I don't matter, or rather knowing I don't matter.

It is really desperately painful when this happens. I tried to start making plans for finding new support. I thought a lot about why it hurt so much and I realised that whatever the relationship in life that I didn't own anyone and that people would come in and out of my life for a variety of reasons.It was very hard since when you confide in someone you want to feel they will always be there for you. It really hurts and of course you feel embarrassed at hurting so much when it is a professional who is paid to listen. Think about why you are so hurt - abandonment issues ? - and then think OK I am actually going to use this to learn from because as an adult I can cope with loss. I tried to do this and it helped a lot. I realised I could cope and as an adult had the resources to find new support. Very painful though - I do feel for you and the NHS system does not help. You do matter, you really do

existentialmum - yes, think you put it well... this is the first person I ever really trusted and she said she would be with me as I "recovered" unless anything changed - and she has chosen to reduce work and I am one of those reductions. I thought she cared, but I should not have trusted that much - her other work earns more and I am dispensible. Like you said she said learning to end is helpful ... but I actually cannot afford to start again, financially, with a new therapist - as I couldn't just start from where I am with this one. So can't use adult resources - as that involves money. But am not well enough to work enough to pay. And my cpn, she stopped seeing me and therefore I lost my therapy group (complicated that!) I had just begun ... she said I hadn't made enough progress with her, despite the fact she had 6wks off this spring and 5mths off ill last year. So NHS said my needs need to be "reassessed" - why? they can't give me the only worker with the skills I need as she chosen to not see me adn is allowed to do that. So my needs have to change to fit them???? And they not contacted me for 7weeks now - so got advocate involved and still nothing. NHS ignored me now for over 3mths -not allowed crisis team support, as crisis dr banned me from using them as my CMHT not supporting me, day hospital rejected me at their assessment, gp said use crisis team and he not asked to see me again, like he used to, and the one person I pay has chosen to stop seeing me.

Don't know how I can matter ... just found out I cannot have children without IVF/ICSI and the growth removed from my colon was cancerous -- and I have no mental health support. Apart from a few sessions to say "bye" .. it hurts, I hurt and I have no choice.

What I have learnt is that even paying for help they can still stop seeing you at a very bad time for the client.

You'd think it would stop hurting - but I cried adn cried tonight.

She was the first person I trusted, she said I needed to attach to her to learn to attach to others (I have insecure attachment issues) and then she makes this decision to reduce her work and I am part of the cut. Me, my health not part of her issue - I can be dispensed with

In one of last sessions she talked abuot my learning negative thoughts from my childhood, the one she raised is the one she by just stopping seeing me (no recommendation on what to do, just that is it) has just reinforced.

To face up to the fact that no-one wants to see me, even if paid, is so hard. I hate myself so much - I am just there to be used, yet again. Don't know how to keep going ...

Oh keziah sorry you are still feeling so bad and low about this

I can see how this must feel like rejection, and would reinforce your insecurities.

however I doubt very much this is a personal rejection of you or her "not wanting to see you" - she is just a human being and like any job, people's circumstances change, and she needs to change her hours.

Just happens that in this job, it messes with people's lives other than just her own.

I know it feels like such a wrench to have to start looking for another therapist, but I really believe this is what you must do.

Something I found very helpful was to type up on the computer a document, telling my entire history and to hand that to the therapist in advance for them to read. That way the first session isn't trawling over old ground again, they are up to speed on everything that's happened to you and where you are at right now. Also the process of writing is down, is in itself very therapeutic too.

Hugs

am so sorry - I do know what it's like and how painful it is - I saw a therapist for a few years and when he left it was agonising - my dependency on him was so great - it was a proper transference thing going on - but it bloody hurt.
I got a new therapist and picked up pretty quickly though - it is possible to continue with someone new.

I don't even know how to find a new therapist - this one was suggested to me, and the person who suggested it is now no longer contactable (complicated). My therapist said it was my choice. But she trained a lot, at her expense, specially in areas to help just me - so it hurts that she chosen specifically to not continue workign with me, but with others. I asked if I made her ill, she said no. And when she showed me final date etc in her diary I couldn't help but see she had "lunch with friend" etc in it - she can still do things, but not ME. I invested so much in it, and to think of starting again hurts so much. I cannot write down my story - cos we were just uncovering my story as I was not able to even do that for ages.

the NHS gave up on me, the cpn I had said she didn't want to work with me anymore, within weeks of my therapist (private) saying this.

I don't deserve help, I know. I had a glimmer of recovery, now know it is so far ahead and just:
getting out of bed, pretending to be ok, filling hours of loneliness, doing anything is so hard, that recovery has no purpose.

And I am NOT going back in hospital, where you are not a person and spewed back out as quickly as possible with no support or help when in or on out.

I read this and it is moaning, not real - cos I can't even be real, and I hate me adn what I write - which is why even people I pay rejected me. My therapist said she knew this would bring up rejection, but basically "tough" for me, up to me to cope. And she encouraged me to attach to her, but didn't teach me how to cope when unattached before she originally planned to. I would loved to have chosed when to do that, when completed at least one piece of work - but she didn't even give me time to do that. Am crying now, been crying for weeks - and I never cry, ever ... Gp just said "contact crisis team if in crisis" - well if in crisis I wouldn't cos they say I not bad enough, and if bad they put me in hosptial 3 times, they say not there to pick up pieces and such ... so that is it, me, ... there is no hope now, clinging on for what is really nothing. Want to go numb.

I don't know your history etc so it'd be silly of me to try to suggest things - but surely your present therapist could recommend someone for you- she must know other therapists - I do think it's a bit unprofessional of her to let you know that she feels she is the only one best qualified to help you, and the fact that she trained at her own expense in your particular issues seems a bit to me. Failing that then your gp should be able to check out suitable people for you...therapists may not have your individual problems as their particular field of interest, but they should be able to give you support generally and address the issues with you. I'm not talking out of my bottom btw as i have sadly a lot of experience of therapy.

Thanks - my therapist will not change her mind, or discuss it ... don't know how ill she is as that is private but know had things like lunch with xx in her diary etc, so able to do things.

My Gp doesn't know of any private therapists that can help and as NHS decided to withdraw my cpn and have never offered me any therapy ever (I work therefore I have to be ok!!) but don't work full-time, so I am stuck. I guess it is the thought of finding one as this one was so perfect until she did this to me, and what if I cannot click with another one? I didn't with the 3 cpn's I had, at all (one cover, one left one rejected me!)

Can you ask the gp to do some research for you,or failing that,see another doctor in the practice - I can't believe that your present therapist can't or won't recommend someone else-that is totally out of order . I'm sure you have every chance of clicking with a new therapist - it's just that you need to try it out and see if you can work together -it's either that or nothing . I had a cpn for a short time and totally didn't click with her !