Is this PND? What do I do?

[newname008]

DD is 4 months old. She's out first and, by the way things have been going, probably only.

I'm finding life with her increasingly hard to cope with. Last week I tried to take an overdose (but we didn't have enough pills in the house, ironic...) - part of me thinks it was just a cry for help from DH, although at the time, foremost in my mind was 'I cannot cope with this baby or this life any more, and it would be better for all concerned if I just wasn't here'.

I do get out at least once a day, and try to meet up with someone at least twice a week. I have an amazing NCT group and we still meet up every week, but this is just too awful to talk to them about. DH works hard and long hours, but he does do the night shift on either a Friday or saturday to give me a night off, and my mum has taken her a couple of times so we get time to ourselves.

BUT sometimes it still gets too much. I find myself not wanting to hold her or go anywhere near her, or getting so worked up I want to break things, need to scream into a pillow, or spend 5 minutes sobbing whilst pacing around the room.

I feel like I need time away from her, I feel totally trapped in our little one bed flat. Last night DH was out and I honestly felt like the walls were closing in on me. I called him in absolute panic, screeching about needing someone to help, or take the baby away, or even just to go for a walk. he said he'd come home, but when he was still at the pub an hour later I called him 15 times on his mobile until he spoke to me and promised to be home in half an hour. I was sobbing and hyperventilating, and just felt as though I needed fresh air and some space. We had another huge row when he got home.

He thinks that's mental behaviour (I suppose it is) and says I'm ruining our relationship. When I'm happy, we are perfect. I've never been in such a wonderful relationship. But when I get like that, he pulls away, sometimes turns his phone off, stays out even later, and we have a massive row. He says I'm putting too much pressure on him, and I understand how he's feeling, but I need more help. I also desperately want him to understand, and get so frusrated and worked up when he just argues back. i've been so frustrated recently that I even hit him, which I am so ashamed of.

I've always been a bit prone to bouts of depression, but I've never behaved like this before in my life. I've started wondering why on Earth I wanted to have a baby if, now that she's here, I can sometimes not even bear to hold her or be in the same room as her. I've been considering going back to work, even though my salary wouldn't cover childcare costs, just to get some freedom and feel like myself again, but I didn't want a baby just so I could palm her off on someone else. Is this normal? Do other people feel like this?

I saw a perinatal health doctor a few weeks after she was born, who said that I didn't have real postnatal depression and that I was just a bit anxious, and on her advice my GP put me on 10mg per day of citalopram, but I didn't want to take it as I'm really dubious of ADs and would rather just talk to someone. I mainly want to be understood and supported a bit more by DH, but I don't think he can give much more than he is already. He's finding my behaviour very hard to deal with, and I don't blame him for a second. We used to have a very laid back, harmonious relationship and it's totally changed since I went on maternity leave. I feel as though I gave up my entire life for this baby, and I'm starting to resent her.

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just completely desperate and need to know what's going on and what to do. can someone help?

Sorry, first line shour say our first

should - what is wrong with me?

It sounds awfully like PND and I think you need to get help today. Phone NHS Direct or out of hours doctor and tell them that you have tried to OD, that you have a small child and that you are not coping. It's important. You do not have to feel this way. You need help now. Please.

You poor thing, you are under a lot of stress at the moment. Having a baby is a huge, huge deal and it does sound like PND to me (PND isn't just 'depression' it can be anxiety, worries about the baby, worries about bonding, and all sorts as well). You do need help. Take care xxx Keep posting on here if you need a friendly ear. There are a lot of us here who have been / are going through what you are going through and are happy to chat whenver.

I do think this is PND. I was in the same place myself with ds1 and I know many other women who were- you're not alone.

Imho you sound like a person who is tough on herself- you don't feel you deserve a break from dd and you're punishing yourself for 'upsetting' dh when he should really be supporting you. Women like us get depressed and overwhelmed more easily I think, because having a new baby takes all the energy you have and it's NEVER perfect. If you want time off dd so what? You still love her and care for her. The myth of total maternal satisfaction is just that.

i would take the ADs. You need what you can get right now. And dh needs to accept the reality of the problem and his role in helping you out of it.

I'm afraid it does sound like classic PND to me. Having a baby is an utterly life changing event and I speak from experience when I say it can turn you into someone you don't even recognise.

Normally I am laid back, sociable and easy going. With PND I am an anxiety ridden shadow of my former self.

Everything you have said sounds familiar. Especially about not bonding with your baby. For me the first time round it was the biggest issue but here's the good news....

You will get better and you will bond with your baby. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will even get back your relationship with your husband. PND does go away eventually with or without AD's but for me personally I found CBT a massive help.

Please please make an appointment with your GP to talk about how you're feeling. You have a right to request CBT. I am very lucky where I live in that the waiting lists are relatively short. However I know in other areas the wait can be quite long so the sooner you get referred the better. He or she will also able to reassure you that you're not alone in feeling like this and suggest ways of getting through this tough time.

Please don't suffer anymore on your own though. There are loads of us on here who have had PND or are still in the thick of it so keep reading and posting and we'll do some virtual hand holding.

ps the way you are acting is not 'mental behaviour'. you probably have PND. it might be useful to have a look on the web and find some info on PND to show your husband. the sooner you get some emotional support from him the better.

Thank you all, I was expecting to be told to pull myself together and your posts have all made me cry.

DH has taken DD to the supermarket so I can have a bit of time alone, I think I will do a little bit of research and make an appointment with my GP next week.

It just feels like the whole world is crashing down around me and all I can do is watch. It's so reassuring to know that it's not just me, that something can be done and that things will change. I think that's what I really needed to hear.

Dont know if this helps but I described my feelings with PND as walking through a Rose garden, knowing it must be full of colour and the scents must be wonderful but seeing it all in black and white and having lost the ability to smell the scents.

The weight lifted from my shoulders once I had had it diagnosed formally. I felt that at least I was doing something about it. So do go and see your GP.

Another thing was because I felt like poo, I couldnt even contemplate going out to mum and toddler groups and mixing and talking with other people.

Get someone to go with you for the first couple of times, a friend, your partner, your Mum. It is a real tonic just to get out of the house and share concerns with Mums who quite possibly are suffering with PND themselves.

I can tell you within weeks and without medication I was getting back to myself. I just woke up one morning and it had all been a bad dream

Chin up x

Hello newname008, have you been to see your GP?

PND sucks, what you're describing is classic. Yes, something can be done, and things will change. It does end, but it'll end an awful lot quicker if you get some professional help.

Have a little look here

and let us know how you are getting on.

Newname your post took me back eleven years, when I felt some of what you describe. A few months after my daughter was born I was feeling way out of my depth and considered suicide, it was frightening as I had never felt anything like that before. I didn't want anyone to know how I felt and began to isolate myself. After becoming desperate and finally seeking help, I was diagnosed with PND and I contacted the Association for Postnatal Illness. They provided lots of information and support and put me in touch with a volunteer who had been through the same experience. We wrote to each other (my preferred method of communication) and her letters were like treasure to me. Although I struggled desperately and had a most miserable time, she was my proof that you do get better. It was explained to me that PND is not just about feeling low, it can break up the way we normally function, making it difficult to complete tasks we used to do automatically, (I couldn't organise a meal and frequently burnt food), it can make it difficult or seem impossible to reach even simple decisions or make choices, (like do you want coffee or tea,) and it can make you feel like you have had it for ever and like you will never get better, but you must remember that you will recover. I wrote that fact on a piece of paper and carried it around with me to remind myself. You may be feeling some or all of these things, and I urge you to contact your gp and to look at the apni.org website. It is a difficult illness to cope with, and it can be a speedier recovery with the right help and support, so please don't be so hard on yourself and go and see your gp.

Don't despair. I have had very similar feelings to you and at times have wondered why on earth I wanted a baby, and was feeling so guilty about it, as I expected to feel an instant rush of maternal love and fall effortlessly into the mothering role. The reality has been completely different.

My baby is now 6 months old and it is starting to fall into place (and has been getting gradually better for some time now). I haven't taken ADs but I know they help a lot of people and it's definitely worth a try.

As well as seeing the GP, these are the things that I have done that have helped:

• Visit your local sure start family centre if you have one; you can speak to the staff there in confidence and they may be able to refer you on e.g. to baby massage classes that help with bonding.
• Speak as openly as possible with your friends and family about how you feel. Particularly helpful I have found are the friends with older children who have been open about how difficult the first few months with a new baby can be (not the case with everyone, but I have found with a lot of people).
• Set up regular practical help, to give yourself time off that you can enjoy (e.g. your mum coming at a particular time each week). Also enlist other friends and relatives to help out - many people love to come round and cuddle a baby for half an hour or so while you go for a walk or just have a cup of tea.
• Get some time to do exercise on your own (I do yoga and swimming) - otherwise brisk walks with the buggy.
• Make sure you eat well, stay hydrated, and consider vitamin supplements as well, particularly B vitamins which are depleted when you are stressed.
• Be kind to yourself, don't try and 'punish' yourself for not feeling the way you expected to. Give yourself 'treats' to look forward to.
• See if you can arrange to see your health visitor for a chat (they generally have more time than GPs and will come to your house). They usually have a lot of experience of this kind of thing and won't be shocked by what you say - honestly!

As for your DH, his reaction may be fear as much as anything. It's a huge life change for him to and he will be concerned that you are struggling. Men aren't very good with 'emotions' in my experience! Perhaps frame it in a way that makes him understand what you need from him in a practical sense, so he can put on his 'problem solving' head.

You MUST tell yourself that suicide is NOT an option. My father committed suicide when I was young and for that reason, although it has passed through my mind, I wouldn't do it because I know the impact on those left behind. There ARE other solutions and you WILL feel better. The good moments will come and then good days, and then the bad days will become less and less. Don't dismiss taking ADs if you need that extra push, but it's important that you feel in control of your recovery

Another thing is that babies get far more interesting and fun as they get older; four months is still tiny and to be honest I find mine easier as time goes on (with a few blips!).

Motherhood is a massive adjustment and you will do it but it is really hard. Many friends have admitted to me that it was the hardest thing that they ever did (the first few months with a baby).

Good luck and keep posting if it helps.

i hope your doing ok out there and have asked for help, do it sooner rather than later. PND is awful and can catch up on you and the worst times. it definitly sounds like PND to me, you need help, you deserve help, and the help is there.

ive had PND with both DD1 and DD2, and although DD3 is only 11 days old i can feel it creeping up on me already again, going to try and work up the courage to tell the midwives im sruggling today, hoping they wont fob me off with baby blues given my history.

either way, good luck, and i hope you get help soon