i just can't do this anymore

[roslily]

i have a history of depression. I returned to work 3 months ago. I have been ill loads, chest infections, stomach bugs, sinusitis etc. And more depression.

I am awaiting a psychiatrist appointment as my GP suspects I might be Bipolar.

Anyway i have been struggling. More than struggling. I am a teacher, a Head of department. I have a difficult relationship with my line manager. I have lost all confidence in myself.

I have tried to give up my responsibilty but my Head said I need to think about whether teaching is for me. That sounds lovely, but we can't afford for me to do anything else. I don't think they would accept part time. I feel under so much pressure.

I just think if i died it would be better for dh and ds. I can't provide for my family. I loved my job, but i am so bad at it now.

I can't stop the suicidal thoughts. I just can't go on under this pressure.

Hiya. I really feel for you and can relate to your post to quite a degree. I too am a teacher and am due to return after 5 months off with pnd and am hugely doubting my ability. It's a hard enough job to do when you're well let alone when you're finding things tough.

Do you have any children? If so the school is obliged to at least try to accommodate a part time request under family friendly working legislation.

I think your Head's comment is unhelpful and shows a misunderstanding of the nature of depression - oh too common I'm afraid. If I were you I would formally resign from your responsibility with effect from September and request part time hours - even 0.8 will make a huge difference to you as you will have a day to yourself every week. Also seek Union advice in case the school turn your request down - they have to have a very good reason to do so.

I too loved my job and believe that I will love it again one day - as will you I'm sure- but right now you need to prioritise your mental health and your family and put aside what the school may or may not want or think. Keep posting and let me know how you get on.

By the way are you on medication or having counselling to cope with the suicidal thoughts? I'm no doctor but imagine that this is caused by the huge pressures you're feeling and the fact that life is just too hard at the moment. I'd make an appoinment with your gp too x

roslily - I couldn't read and not post, although I'm not sure I'll be much help.

I really hope you're a member of a union, and can talk to them asap about this. If you have mental health problems, you will be protected under the Disability Discrimination Act, I think. I'm pretty sure your Head's comment is not okay for them to say, for example.

Would you consider asking your GP to sign you off work sick again? Would that help you in the short term?

Keep posting.

i only went back on tuesday after 2 weeks off. If i go off again i go to stage 2 of absence pollicy.

I am a member of a union, i will email them tomorrow.

The problem for the school is that there is no-one in school who could take on Head of department (smalll dept) and they can't get someone external as then they would be overstaffed.

My dh doesn't think we can manage on P/T.

That's good news on the union. Fingers crossed they will have some good guidance for you.

Being a bit blunt here, but does your DH know that you're having suicidal thoughts? It just seems that his priorities are a bit out of step if he's ruling out P/T when a possible alternative is no more you. I suspect you haven't been able to share how you're feeling with him?

What does stage 2 of absence policy mean in practice?

Sorry you are feeling so bad. I was in a similar situation at work as a secondary teacher (with health issues) where I really felt that the only answer was to cut my hours. I put off asking for ages as I was convinced that there was no way they could make it work. In the end I just wrote and asked and stressed the fact that my consultant said that less hours was the only way to go. They made it work for me as a job share situation. I stepped down from being a head of year and went to 0.7 timetable. I can't tell you what a massive difference it made to my life. The problem is that while you are going in to work, you can't address your health problems. I would second what IsItMeOr says: try to get signed off in the short term if possible. Are you on half-term next week?

yes it is half term next week. Not sure exactly what stage 2 involves, but i know it means being referred to occupational health.

The Head has told me outright that long term me standing down from Head of dept is problematic.

Thing is when i am signed off i feel ok pretty quickly. How i feel isn't directly related to work, but i just can't cope with much.

My dh knows a lot of what is going on. He thinks that i should just try and do the bare minimum, work to live. But, without being patronising to his office job, teaching isn't like that. You can't go in and cruise through the day, and walk out on the bell.

I feel like i am in an impossible situation.

Whatever the school staffing situation is, it's the school's responsibility to deal with. Not yours. Please remember that - they don't own you and if you want to stand down there is nothing they can do.

Obviously that doesn't address any of the wider issues you face but I thought it was worth mentioning. Don't take their responsibilities on yourself because they sure as hell won't do the same for you!

I second what cyteen said about the staffing situation being the school's responsibility, not yours.

I suspect that, as somebody in a managerial role within the school, you might be finding it hard to make that distinction.

I've never taught, but have family and friends who have. I suspect you are right that you don't have the same flexibility that someone doing an office job does. However, I wonder if you can take heart from JimmyTarbuck's experience, as the approach you were trying to go for seems to have worked well for them.

In my workplace, occupational health weren't something to be afraid of if you were genuinely unwell (which you clearly are!). They may be the route to get the changes you need made at work.

How did you get on with the union?

I am awaiting a phone call back from my union. I know that teaching isn?t the only stressful job, but my dh works for local government- very flexible working!
My dh is convinced that we can?t afford for me to go part time. I think we can cover everything and we will find a way. To be honest I am tempted to request part time anyway and then just tell him. He will never give his approval. Seems dishonest, but I don?t know what else to do.

Tell him it's a choice between the possibility of part time working or the possibility that you could die. It doesn't get much starker than that, tbh.

(And please, please don't die. Do anything you can to avoid it. It really sucks! Your life is valuable and worthwhile and deserving of happiness.)

You need a survival strategy, and working part time sounds like the best option for you right now.

I'd normally advocate talking to your dh, but I think you're right that in this case presenting him with a fait accompli could be the way to go.

It sounds like he's listening but not hearing at the moment. Taking action might help him to "get" it. But either way, you've got to do what you need to to survive this, haven't you?

My union say that it is at the school's discretion whether to let me resign from TLR or go part time. They can refuse. Which I think they probably will.

The union guy suggested getting a letter from doctor or Psychiatrist explaining how reducing hours and responsibility might help.

I told dh, and he said he need to talk about it tonight, he didn;t say no he just said that it is a big decision and will put a lot of strain on us so we need ot make sure it is the right one.

Good luck with your chat with DH tonight. Are you not already under 'a lot of strain'?

That is a good idea from your union guy about the letter. I spoke to a friend of mine who is a staffing governor at another school before I put my part-time request in. He said that if health reasons were mentioned, it would make them look at it more seriously.

I mentioned last night about the huge difference going part-time made to me. I should have added that it made a huge difference to DH too as I was so much happier. He said that he had got the 'old me' back. He surely can't enjoy seeing you feeling so down.

I think when you work in a position of responsibility in a school you feel that so many people are relying on you (staff and students), but you are no use to them if you are too ill to perform. Time to look after number one and to remember that the wheels of education turned before you and I were teachers and will continue to turn once we've retired.

Wise words from JimmyT.

I was just wondering whether you are one of us women who are very good at just getting on with the job in hand while hiding that we're coming to pieces underneath the surface?

Best of luck talking to DH. Would showing him how you've described your situation on this thread help?

How are you feeling now halfterm has started roslily? Hope your chat with DH went well.

well yesterday i felt awful all day, intrusive thoughts etc.

I went to bed at 6pm and slept through until 6.30am, when i got up with ds. I feel so much better. I know sleep isn't the only problem, but i think i have to start going to bed earlier.

We are going to spend half term working out finances and see what can be done.

Sleep is certainly important [sleep-deprived mum of 14mo emoticon].

That sounds good on the finances. DH and I have a spreadsheet to help us work out what we can afford, that has been really useful for us. We also find mindmaps can be helpful for when we need to work out something complicated with various options.

Glad you are looking at your options financially. I know that everything looks bleaker and all decisions are harder to make when you are really tired, so keep up the early nights.