pg, anxiety filled v. long vent. please help

[pumkinpie]

I'm looking for some advice/ kind words really.
I have suffered from depression in the past as a result of emotional/ physcological abuse from a previous partner about 3 years ago.
I dont think I'm depressed at the moment.I do however have always been a massive worrier which is in itself is more non specific anxiety- I always am worrying about something.I cant ever quite trust anyone for fear of being let down but I think this is more deeply stemmed in this hurrendous fear of abandonment/ people dying.
I dont know if i have anxiety or ocd. I dont know if I want to talk it through. I want to feel fixed, secure, confident and safe.

My two biggest sources of stress and worry are my unborn child it took us a very long time to get pg, fertility drugs lots of invasion. Now pg- 34 wks. We've had a couple of scares and whilst I'm not worried about giving birth. I also expect there to be complications and how i will cope- fear of the unknown.

Dp is the other huge thing, I feel I cant completely trust him (like everyone else) and I'm so worried what he will think of me after I've given birth. How he will react to me. I know we love eachother. He doesnt seem to understand pregnancy very much or how it is affecting me. I just spoke to him and said I was looking online about my anxiety he just ingored it. I dcont feel supported. I also feel he does things on purpose which I know rationally he didnt e.g he is sunburnt and I think he got sunburnt so he wouldnt have to cuddle me as he was red and boiling I didnt want to cuddle up to him. He isnt very attentive and often makes me doubt myself. He wooed me massively 3 years ago and now he doesnt do anything romantic- we have very tight purse strings now. I have tried to rebuild this side of things and it felt very one sided. When i am paid i feel i can go out and distract myself from these issues.
Now on mat leave stuck in the house til the end of the week have no money at all. I have a lot of time to think/ get myself in a right state- am very hormonal and emotional currently anyhow which im sure is not helping.

This is so long, thanks for reading if you managed.

Hi pumkinpie,
Sorry you're feeling so (understandably) upset and anxious. I don't really know what advice to offer but I'm sure some of the other lovely ladies will be along to offer some soon.
Can you go out for a walk or wander around the shops or to the library or something to keep you busy and get some fresh to help you feel better? Or put a good dvd boxset on just to stop you thinking and thinking about things?xx

Thank you very much for replying piggymad I was thinking about going out to get a paper and maybe some sweets to help.
I also hope others will be able to offer some advice too.

When I'm feeling anxious I just make a little list of possible distracting things to do - ironing seems to really help for me, a relaxing bath, a walk with my mp3 player on etc. Or could you do some washing of your baby clothes?
I'm sure your husband loves you and the baby very much and perhaps is just taking some time to adjust to everything the same way you are? He is perhaps quite worried too after the fertility treatment and the time it has taken you both?
And a huge congratulations on your pregnancy too - soon you will have a gorgeous little baby to focus on!

I have got some jobs for me to do this afternoon- i try to eek them out so i have enough to last me the whole week. Sadly ive washed all my little one's clothes and waiting til bit nearer his due date to rewash everything- I realise that is a tad ocd or nesting.
I think your right about DP I find it hard to talk to him I find it incredibly draining and I often feel I'm not expressing myself in the way I want to.
Thank you, I am so looking forward to meeting my litte boy. I've really enjoyed being pg I hate feeling like this I wish I could be as happy as I want to be I've wanted this for long and we are privledged it has happened. However then I feel worse because I should be happy. I've got 6 weeks to enjoy myself and potter its almost like I dont have the energy/confidence to enjoy it.

Thank you for sticking with me.
Sorry for the big rant there.

Glad you've got some things to keep you busy. It's natural we will be tired by now and having off days/weeks doesn't make you a bad person or 'ungrateful' for what you've got! And forcing yourself to feel good will only put you under more pressure!
Hope you're feeling a bit better now and this is the place to rant!