*deep breath* Could you...

[frakkit]

...talk to me about reactive depression, please?

How do I know if I have it or whether I have clinical depression? I've been depressed before and it feels sort of like this but I'm hoping it's just temporary. But I don't really know, I feel terrible and I have no idea what to do about it.

If it's reactive then it'll just go away by itself, right? So I don't need to do anything.

well to be reactive something must have happened that for you (not by anyone else's standards necessarily) was bad enough to make you feel really low.

I get really low because of what I'm going through at the moment (won't bore you with details, there's enough of me on here)and that is definitely reactive not clinical and I have so far resisted ADs and my doc thinks the same. But I can sometimes still end up thinking it's all too much and I can't take anymore and what's the point and get thoughts about getting away from it. So reactive depression doesn't mean it's ok and doesn't need treatment.

It may simply indicate that counselling is a preferred first line treatment over ADs.

If you have difficulty coping go see your GP

Well, the major life events in the last year include having to give up a job I loved, my mother having a major operation, getting married and moving half way around the world - hence wondering if it's reactive depression. And whether it might go away.

Depression here isn't looked on very favourably and counselling isn't really an option. I don't want to go onto ADs as we're TTC (possibly not the most sensible idea if I'm depressed though....)

I guess I just don't know if I'm depressed or not, and if I'm not then why am I feeling like this and if I am how do I solve it?

Can you explain a bit more about how you are feeling?

And why is counselling not an option?

Hi frakkit - where are you? You say 'depression here isn't looked on very favourably. Why do you say counselling isn't an option? I had a serious bout of reactive depression last year and counselling definitely helped pull me through. I still feel down at times (doesn't everyone?) but now have the ability to help myself better.

I'm on a small island in the Indian Ocean, which is essentially France but 30 years behind the times! IMO the French medicate everything as an automatic response (my 'green-tea' approach doesn't go down well) and the idea of counselling is quite alien to most doctors.

I just feel sad all the time, I haven't settled here and feel like I don't belong, I want to go home, I don't like my new job that much - I miss having colleagues and I miss teaching children, I don't feel close to DH, I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything, I can't make decisions, I snap at the slightest thing and I can't get rid of this horrible feeling of emptiness.

This really isn't like me! Before, when I was depressed, it was along with PTSD so there was a very clear cause, I managed to work through the issues, I got myself back on track and although it was hard I never felt like I didn't know where to start, because I always knew where it came from IYSWIM. I've tried some of the CBT techniques I learnt in counselling but they don't seem to be helping.

DH says I need to talk but I really don't feel like I can talk to anyone.

Frakkit after a move like that how you feel is totally normal. You feel unconnected. DH is the only person you really know and that is just not enough.

I moved from Holland to the UK with my DH and we had some tough times due to his depression and there was just no one I could talk to, really talk to.

If your DH says you need to talk then take it as an invitation and talk to him. Share your feelings. It will make the fears and black holes smaller.

And yes the French medicate everything it is true, preferably directly via pharmacy, who needs doctor.

Crying now, which feels strange because it's not feeling numb or irritable Partly, I suspect, it's 'oh thank fuck I'm normal'. I just didn't expect it to be the move because I've not felt like this moving before.

I don't feel like I can talk to DH though - he's so busy and stressed with work and I have to put on a brave face. He doesn't need a wet, weeping, wailing wife.

What can I do that doesn't involve seeing a prescription-happy French doctor?

Frakkit - lovely newlywed - he's your husband- TALK TO THE MAN

you need to

Totally agree with willsurvivethis, but in your position I would still be looking to see whether there are any counsellors on your island - perhaps there is an expat community you could tap into? If there really isn't anyone then perhaps look at online counselling. I don't have experience of this but I know it exists. You've been through a big life change and it's not surprising that you feel a bit all over the place.

frakkit I have just e-mailed you...

Frakkit sorry i sounded so patronising there!!!

Bit of background; been married for 12 years, DH clinically depressed on and off over the years, me PTSD and lots of ishoos since early last year, ds with special needs.

So it's not coming from nowhere!!

I tried to talk. Honestly I did And I needed to be told to, so don't feel you were patronishing me, willsurvivethis!

But he got all sad and I ended up doing what I always do and putting my brave face back on and saying that it'll all be fine, I just need some time to adjust, I'm sure I'll settle down. I know he's not happy here either, but that's more to the fact his job consumes every single waking hour (except for the couple of hours when he comes home from work, eats and unwinds before sleeping), and he blames himself for my being unhappy because he brought me here.

I've never heard of online counselling. Do you know where it exists, just13moreyears?

Auld - thank you.

Frakkit of course he's going to feel like that, that's normal too, he loves you - it shouldn't make you put your brave face back on. You can face the current situation together, change what can be changed, make plans to change other things in the future and support each other in what can't be changed.

But I can't stand it when I hurt him There really isn't that much we can change: can't move, can't change job (although I'm trying), can't put more hours into the day and all we can do about the future is pray that the next posting will somehow be better.

This is turning into a relationships thread...

I shall just keep saying my serenity prayer (which makes me seem like an alcoholic!) but I honestly do want things to change. I just can't figure out what, or how, or whether it's stuff in our lives that needs to change or my attitude.

You are not hurting him, he's hurting because the person he loves is hurting. That's something different.

Frakkit - I can't recommend anything because I haven't used it personally but if you google 'online counselling' there are lots of resources available. If you look for someone who's perhaps an accredited counselling psychologist or who has a recognised qualification in counselling/psychotherapy - i.e they are accredited by a professional body such as UKCP you should be able to find someone.

BACP is another good accreditation.

There are also the free sites:
GoodMoodGym and
LivingLifetotheFull

also - probably not possible where you live, but are there any qualified counsellors there on the island? For eg, you have moved there, so other people may have too. Might be worth doing the equivalent of looking in the post office window or local paper?