I am screwing it all up

[littleearthquakes]

I am in a horrid self-destructive cycle and feeling the self-indulgence is overwhelming me.

I went to GP's last week to request counselling so just waiting for the phone call.

I used to self-harm, apart from one or two occasions I haven't since I met DH 5 years ago, because I would struggle to hide it from someone who knows me so intimately (also in total fairness the first few years I had no need to desire to), but I know I am self-harming in more subtle ways now.

I have started smoking again - I have 18mo DS so never smoke when I'm near him or will be seeing him for several hours (so only smoke when on occasional work things). I can't remember the last time I went to bed sober. I am in the middle of an affair with an ex who I fancy much less than my DH, he's not exactly blowing me away - but I know I'm doing it to feed my guilt and make me feel even more horrific. To make me feel something.

What can I do to get through this until the counselling is sorted? I desperately want to self-harm so I can get help properly because these other ways of harming myself are somehow so much scarier, but I don't want to scare my DH and DS...the other ways are much easier to hide

Wow you do know how to hit that self destruct button don't you

Please stop that affair now if your marriage means anything to you. Just cut of all contact and delete his number. He's not worth it and you and your family are worth more than that.

You are not seeing things clearly if you think that you can't sh as your dh may notice and freak out but you drink, smoke and have an affair!

Maybe it is time that you dh sees that you sh so he realises you're not ok. Don't make things totally impossible for yourself.

Never forget sh is a coping mechanism, not something stupid or evil you do because something is wrong with you.

You can do this x

I completely second what willsurvive says. You need to end this affair straight away or you will end up destroying yourself and your family.

Are you taking any anti-depressants? They can help with the SH tendencies.

SH may bring temporary relief but IME you feel worse in the long run, and as you say, it is hard to hide . It is a cry for help, however unconscious a cry. Does your GP understand how urgent this is?

If these feelings do not go away and keep getting worse you need to present yourself at A&E I'm afriad. Not pleasant (I have been in this situation myself) but you will be referred to the crisis team and they will looki after you from there.

Please try and write down all the good things you have in your life and keep fighting to keep those things.

thankyou for the responses. It's horrid but I find it relatively easy to hide the smoking, drinking and affair which I suppose is why they're easier ways to harm myself than SH.

I know I need to stop all contact with OM, but I find it so hard because it makes me feel wretched both to him and DH (just bloody listening to the whole "I'm an idiot, why didn't I have you when I had the chance", literally lying back and thinking of England, there is nothing in this affair that is worth anything). It feels like flagellation of the soul which is at least making me feel something.

Through doing all this as well I've been able to present my facade much better than before, nobody has any idea. ugh I don't know...my GP just thinks I'm feeling a bit rotten and need to talk to someone. Which maybe is actually all it is

in some ways I want to be looked after by the Crisis team, it happened before 9 years ago and my social worker was the only version of a therapist I've ever been able to be honest with

"I suppose is why they're easier ways to harm myself than SH."

But it's not just you you're harming, is it? What about your DH and your little boy?

Please get help, for their sake if not your own.

I think something deeper is going on here - the ultimate sh you are doing right now is watching yourself derail yourself and your family and not stopping it. My dh can be like that. Wake up now please and do something while you can.

Hi - if you want to be looked after by the crisis team, why not ask your gp to refer you to the local CMHT? As that way you could get similar support from crisis team ~(or they could refer you to crisis) but you could have it longer term.

Why not be honest with gp, say what you posted here - and ask for that referral?

littleearthquakes - you've given a really clear account here of the self-destructive cycle you're in and the struggle you're having to avoid self-harming. I agree with the others that a direct request for referral to the CMHT would really help you and, from there you could go on to longer term counselling to get to the root of why you feel so compelled to hurt yourself like this.

but won't that mean I'm back in the system - I'm terrified of doing anything that might mean my son being taken away from me.

You're all right though, I'm harming my DH and DS more than myself. That's unforgiveable...

Hi,
asking for help shows responsibility and people are there to support you. If you can get the longer term help then it could mean you don't end up in these cycles and are able to recover.

Agree with Keziah

ok, thankyou for your suggestions. I won't be able to see my GP this week, will make an appointment for next week though.

It's so hard because I think in many ways I don't even want to recover, but the damage is not limited to myself which is why I have to stop. If it was just me my behaviour was affecting it would be a different matter.

It's not unusual to be scared of recovery because you don't know what's on the other side of your self-destructive behaviour. You're so used to feeling bad about yourself that that's what's normal to you. It does take a long time and a lot of support to start living a more 'low-key' emotional life without the familiar highs and lows. But it can be done - and there is no better incentive than the wellbeing of your DS. That alone is not enough though - you need to believe that, with help and support, you can get well and not need to live in a self-destructive way that leads you to beat yourself up the whole time.

Can understand that - so why not ask for help for the other people, and I am sure at some point in your recovery you will be able to do it for you also.