Everyone thinks I'm coping but I'm not

[littlecritter]

I'd like to run away/disappear but I couldn't cope with the guilt so there is only one alternative and I couldn't do that because so many people in RL need me. It is a luxury I can't afford.

I've had some pretty bad things happen in recent years. Some (more) bad news today has tipped me over the edge. I'll probably turn a corner in a few days and everyone will think I'm ok but I can't cope with any more. I feel invisible and detatched. I feel desperate and bemused at the same time. I'm not really convinced that everything that has happened is actually real. It's like watching someone else's life, my real life is waiting for me somewhere else. But if I don't find it soon, I've promised myself I can give up. I'm rambling, I know.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes I felt like that not so long ago and sometimes still do. Stop the world I want to get off syndrome.

Make it your goal to show at least one person that you are not coping, be it partner, sister, trusted friend, doctor. No one can cope all the time and my friends literally saved my life, more than once.

Thanks. I've tried to explain to my partner but get absolutely nothing back. Like talking to a stone. In fact, his total lack of support/silence has made me realise that our relationship is pointless. I'm planning to ask him to leave soon but just wanted to get a bit stronger first. Both my parents are dead and my only sibling is currently battling alcohol problems. What a family.

I went to my GP but he told me I wasn't suicidal before he even asked the question. I'm taking citalopram which is my only lifeline at the moment.

And my GP is right in a way. I wouldn't take my own life but I do wish I wasn't here. A local woman my age was killed in a car crash this week and I think it should have been me, not her. She was probably happy.

I'm sorry if this sounds self-pitying. I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself at all. Just genuinely trying to work out how to get out of this hole and a car crash would be an option, but then again not if it involved anyone else.

You don't sound self-pitying at all. This is one of these places where you can be honest and really splat down what you truly feel as we are all really strangers (except those of us who choose to get to know each other on facebook )and you are not hurting or upsetting anyone else.

And there are others who can relate to what you are saying. I have walked away from my dh and baby ds as I thought it was a good idea if I disappeared and never came back and I have had thoughts of what I could do to my head to make it shut up for once.

Have you had counselling? Do you think it may work? It can help you get a clearer perspective on things. A GP should not be willing to give you citalopram without also being willing to refer you for some counselling.

But I must say that the coldness with which you are assessing your situation in terms of getting out means you are more suicidal than I like.

You either need higher dose/different meds or some more support.

Sorry. Right now I know I need more help. I'm only on 10mg Citalopram. It was prescribed for anxiety not depression. I know I have to go back to my GP. He did refer me for counselling but the councellor said I needed specific bereavement counselling and referred me to Cruse. I couldn't commit to a regular weekly group as I work shifts so I didn't go. By that time the meds had worked a bit and I thought I could cope.

Now, 18 months later I feel lower than ever. Cold is just how I feel. Cold, pragmatic and lifeless. But if you knew me, you would never guess. I put on a good front. Although I have spent much of today in tears.

If I were advising someone in my position I would say get back to your GP and get some counselling.

Don't say sorry - why?

It sounds like 20mg of citalopram may not be a bad idea - and make a commitment to counselling. You can't afford not to.

and talk on here - as much as you like.

Sorry - for sounding cold. And thank you for reading all this. I will go to my GP next week. It's not just about bereavement. There's a whole load of other stuff going on; stuff that will take a long time to get through - medical treatment, operations, police investigations, court case etc. Someone has ruined my son's life and I wasn't there to help him. Plus relationship problems as DP and I have drifted apart through all this.

I just want it all to end. Surely, it's our turn for some happiness after years of bad news. I can't remember what it feels like to be carefree and happy. I'm depressed because I've got something to be depressed about; reactive rather than clinical. But I find that people can be dismissive and imply that I ought to feel low what with everything that's happened. As if to say my depression is less valid because one day I will be ok again. But I might not be ok ever again. I might not get through this.

In fact, I find myself saying that I'm not really depressed, that I'm just going through a bad time. Well, I think I have to face up to the fact that I am actually depressed. I just wish my partner could understand and support me. I feel so lonely.

That's not how I meant cold - I meant cold as in detached, unemotional - like I assess the prospects of a case before I take it to Court!

Yes, that's just how I feel - detached, unemotional and numb. And I do feel sorry about it, sorry that I feel like that and sorry that everyone else has to put up with it. Just sorry for being so rubbish. If I detach myself from it then it doesn't hurt quite so badly and I can keep a facade up.

Thank you for reading all this. You sound lovely. I have to go out now and keep up appearances at ds2's football presentation. DP is the coach so I can't let the side down. But I will pop back over the weekend.

Thanks for listening, especially as I realise you wouldn't be on this board if you didn't have your own problems to contend with. I have never spoken like this before, just sort of hinted. Thanks.