a huge thing happened in counselling today

[willsurvivethis]

and now I can no longer doubt I was really really abused.

And I understand why 7 year old me could not told her mum and dad it was happening. And why I had no choice but to repress and deny it.

It was like I've seen hypnotherapy described except I was totally awake and it just happened spontaneously. I was 7 again and so confused and bewildered and totally alone

And now I feel utterly vulnerable. And lost without my doubt to hold on to. And relieved that it all makes sense now and that I understand why I couldn't tell. And new respect for myself for surviving it as well as I have.

It was so so big counsellor extended the session until we both felt I could leave the room.

Not sure why I am writing it down here - just need to make sure it stays real and that it isn't ploughed under again. I have told dh but it sounded so flat. He did understand. I've texted a safe friend that I need to talk soon.

Then there was the nursery run and now ds's portage teacher and speech therapist are due in half an hour. Life goes on...

''Because that's what he will remember. His mum being sad and he was so clever that he held her and they felt better together.''

That made me cry that sentence. Yes I do hold him because I worry that if I don't he will worry or think it is his fault.

And it reminded me that he held and cooed at dh when his mum died, he was only one and a few months then and every time dh cried he soothed him.

And I can imagine that he feels clever hugging mumm because he loves hugs and he is very clever.

Thank you x

It's true.

Don't forget it

x

nickschick is right too.

nickschick you made me cry, but in a kind of good way.

I am really glad that you are doing the hardwork and getting there, willsurvivethis.

I make up my parenting too. I was parented with hate, not love, and it is very hard to be open with my heart sometimes. But yes I do my best.

Yes survivors all, and all great.

We will get through this,each in our own way and our children wont be fucked up.....we will have learnt from our parents mistakes- and this is where the buck stops - we will stop it and our children will grow up loved and nurtured and in doing this our own hearts will be stronger.

I never realised just how 'normal' it is to be 'abnormally' parented til I came to mumsnet.

I try and look at my past and ask myself

Was it my fault? - No

could I have changed anything? - no

what happened happened and if I allow it to sneak into my mind now- not only will I have had a 'spoilt' childhood,It gives people access to spoil my adulthood.

Am reading this thread with golfball in throat. I finished 7 years of weekly counselling last year, and vividly remember those lightbulb moments. The vulnerability often made me feel like a tortoise who'd had his shell stolen being confronted by a group of angry porcupines. I realise that the removal of my damage-created armour was essential to the healing process.
The biggest question I had was why now? I was finally in a peaceful place emotionally so to unravel at that point was deeply frustrating. The answer it seems was that my subconcious had recognised that I was strong enough to cope with it at last.
Nemofish is so right, we are survivors who parent as best we can. Thinking of you all with pride, you are stronger than you will ever know.

I have a seven year old DD and I find it hard right now because of the reflections of myself at that age. I want to tell her not to let anyone touch her.. she told me she played a 'secret game' at a friends house where the girl was staying with her Dad and I got angry until she told me what the game was (it was nothing).

When I think of what happened happening to me I feel numb and blank. But when I look at her everything crumbles.

My counsellor says the words that makes sense of why everything that has happened has come to the surface now. But I feel inadequate and stupid. Like I should just draw a line and get over it. I feel trapped.

I think you are right NicksChick. it is spoiling my Adulthood at the moment, but I don't know how to rise out of it. I had such a shit time as my marriage fell apart and used the turtle analogy myself. But now I am the wrong shape and can't just put the shell back on and bumble along like I used to. It is cracked and splintery and all wrong. I just want a new one. That is why I want to walk away.

I agree with others WST that letting DS know that he helps heal you is a good thing. My DD is like that . If I break down and cry, she gets a tissue, wipes my eyes and pats me. DS just hugs me. I thank them and tel them they have helped make Mum feel better. It empowers them.

Beautiful days are hard to resist though and the (emotional) shadows are easier to forget..

xx

MW, hang in there. You will build a new shell, but the foundations have to be strong otherwise it will break too easily. You are not inadequate nor stupid. You just have some crap to deal with before you can continue. Life's all about the journey, not the destination. I am not anywhere I expected to be when I started counselling- I was totally lost- but I am content with where I have got to so far. You have the love and support of your dc, and helping you will teach them to be as caring as you are.

I also use the turtle analogy a lot - I never had feelings (in fact I am now learning what feelings are from my therapist - revelation) and I had metal shutters to protect me. And now it's all gone, I'm overwhelmed by feelings and sooo vulnerable. I get lots of flashbacks that are 100% feelings and they are so big i just sit here sobbing - a friend has given me a big teddy to hold just for moments like that.

I'm touched by the number of women who've posted on here. Abuse has touched so many of us .

Mits - keep talking hun - I'm always here, cat me or I can tell you how to find me on fb if you are there. I am friends with Toccata and Fudge, Riven, Simpson, Little marshmallow, RHKSmum and some others, my initials are IDH and my profile pic is a close up of me and little boy.

Willsurvivethis - hope you can hold onto that teddy and perhaps realise that this is another step forward in your healing journey.

I too never had feelings, so hope your work on feelings helps you - even though things so raw and tough right now. Sounds like therapist very helpful. I used to use the image of having everything in a box, locked away and one day my box just exploded.

It's strange how we all seem to find similar analogies. My 'box' was a can of worms that kept overflowing. My first foray into counselling found me asking for help to stop it ever doing that again- I didn't want to know what was at the bottom. When I went back several years later I realised the can needed emptying properly. I still think there's a few little worms in the bottom but I guess they will always linger.

Just had another session like that one- even harder. So much pain came back . If i hadn't repressed this when I was 7 I wouldn't have made it , just wouldn't.

I cried so much during the session, felt so sorry for the little girl that went through all that and didn't understand, thought she was unloveable and bad and alone .

Cycling home I felt so alone and sad I phoned a friend who understands (at work! with permission) as dh was somewhere on the motorway. Cried again as soon as I heard their voice.

Dh was fabulous when we were all home again.

I know this needs to happen to get better but I also know now why I've been avoiding it so far.

So so tired now

Willsurvive, you have always been soo suportive to me,
I'm sorry I haven't been able to read this whole thread but please know I'm thinking of you
xx

Thanks rhks that means a lot - we can support each other - but I think I advised you before not to read this thread - too many triggers for you x

Hi Willsurvive,
just wanted to wish you well. From what little councilling I've had I remember how hard some of these sessions can be. Its awful having to access what you've done you're best to supress for years.
I hope you start seeing the benefits really soon.
All the best
x

I know you did willsurvive, You know me never very good at doing what I'm told

I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and I will now step away from the thread
xx