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Original poster

a huge thing happened in counselling today

42 replies

willsurvivethis · 20/05/2010 14:41

and now I can no longer doubt I was really really abused.

And I understand why 7 year old me could not told her mum and dad it was happening. And why I had no choice but to repress and deny it.

It was like I've seen hypnotherapy described except I was totally awake and it just happened spontaneously. I was 7 again and so confused and bewildered and totally alone

And now I feel utterly vulnerable. And lost without my doubt to hold on to. And relieved that it all makes sense now and that I understand why I couldn't tell. And new respect for myself for surviving it as well as I have.

It was so so big counsellor extended the session until we both felt I could leave the room.

Not sure why I am writing it down here - just need to make sure it stays real and that it isn't ploughed under again. I have told dh but it sounded so flat. He did understand. I've texted a safe friend that I need to talk soon.

Then there was the nursery run and now ds's portage teacher and speech therapist are due in half an hour. Life goes on...

OP posts:
kizzie · 20/05/2010 15:09

what a hugely significant thing to happen.
Do you feel any sense of relief now? Or even just that youve finally got to stage 1 of moving forward? x

wahwahwah · 20/05/2010 15:16

So where do you go from now?

mathanxiety · 20/05/2010 15:26

Hold onto that feeling of respect and awe for your 7 yo self.

wahwahwah · 20/05/2010 15:33

One exercise is to 'parent yourself'.

Write a letter to your 7-year-old self. Explain why they are not to blame and how they were under the control of someone else at the time, for whatever reason (power, fear, wanting to please them...). Tell them that you are proud that they have decided to let you know what has happened (a very brave thing to do) and that you proud that they have done so many wonderful things in the time since then (study, children, skills......).

Now tell them that you are taking back control and will always look after the 7-year-old.

Is this something that you will need to confront someone about/tell the police?

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 20/05/2010 15:38

Thanks Kizzie x

Wahwah I'm further on in the journey than you realise - I've just held onto doubt as a protection mechanism. The memories came back over a year ago. I've been to the police - under the law of the country it happened in it is too late to prosecute.

I'm working with a very good specialist counsellor and the support of my dh and friends and I'm just going to keep working on my healing.

OP posts:
wahwahwah · 20/05/2010 15:51

I am taking a far more Buddist view of life at the moment. The past is gone (although we need to hold on to learnings from it) the future is uncertain, only NOW actually exists. But I am not a paticularly 'nice' person and I would have gone postal in your position.

You are very brave - you don't sound in the lease bit locked in the past or mourning for the loss of part of your childhood. You don't sound angry.

It is a journey - some days will be good, and some not so... but the overall trajectory is up.

Good luck on your journey and I am glad that you have good support around you.

GetDownYouWillFall · 20/05/2010 16:16

sounds like you've had a breakthrough willsurvive Make sure you keep talking about it - I think healing is a continual process, you get better but you have to keep working at it.

Glad to hear it's a positive step x

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 20/05/2010 16:56

Thanks for your responses

Wahwah I take a very evangelical Christian view of life - which is not without its own struggles. One person I have had some anger problems with is God himself but He is big and can take it.

I feel a huge relief. I could not understand until today why I didn't ever tell my mum how much I was being hurt. But apart from the threats amd psychological manipulation I already knew about I now know what happened was so complex I did not have the words to begin to explain it

But accepting this also means accepting it really happened and that's why I feel so raw and vulnerable now. Just asked dh for a big hug as really needed it.

OP posts:
GetDownYouWillFall · 20/05/2010 17:14

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" Phil 4:13

kizzie · 20/05/2010 18:44

Im so glad you feel a such a relief - and also that you have DH there to give you support when you feel so vulnerable x

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 20/05/2010 23:12

Should go to bed really but not doing too good - feel all choked up but can't cry. Had the phone in my hand tonight to call a friend and tell her but I can't get the words out. DH been working all evening and now too tired plus I can't talk anymore full stop I think.

Worried about going to bed but so tired. Will try to sleep.

OP posts:
LittleMarshmallow · 21/05/2010 13:07

How are you feeling today WillSurvive? I hope you got some rest.

nickschick · 21/05/2010 13:13

I have had something similar to this its like th rounded piece of jigsaw just fitting in.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 21/05/2010 14:47

Thanks for asking LM I did not get a lot of sleep and it is majorly on my mind today. But I'm coping with it. Keeping (possibly too) busy - frantic cleaning, dentist ( but survived it), lunch out with dh () and now I have our small tent up in the garden to make photos for eBay - having upgraded to a family sized model.

Nickschick I actualy said to my counsellor that it was as if a puzzle piece the size of our room had just clunked into place.

Looking forward to meeting up with a really close friend one of the next few days who's jsut so good at letting me talk my way through it and help me make sense of things.

OP posts:
kizzie · 21/05/2010 15:44

sounds like a really good idea to see that friend x (and hope the tent sells for millions

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 21/05/2010 16:02

wst you sound incredibly strong. I like wah's idea of writing a letter to your younger self, letting you know all the things you know now about how you were not to blame and this wasn't fair.

Keep talking to all those you trust. You should be very proud of yourself for making this enormous step forwards and facing what happened. That takes an amazing amount of courage.

MitsubishiWarrioress · 21/05/2010 18:09

(( )) thinking of you. You've been so lovely and supportive, I hate to think you (or anyone) has been through this.

I have had the same experience of holding onto the doubt and feeling I could be OK in that place, but now it has gone and the pain and sadness I feel for the little girl that was me is overwhelming. I have had my AD's increased so I can be in a warm, fluffy, numb place again. But as you say, life goes on.

I like the letter idea Wahwahwah.. I have a letter from my Dad telling me I wasn't his golden princess anymore and that I was cold, frigid and brassy . (I was 12 by then) No one knew. So much sadness locked inside, now I don't know where to put it all. I have to keep pretending I am OK because the reality is somewhat different.

I wanted tO CaT you WST... but it's all locked inside again. Wish I could just walk and walk and walk.

I just keep looking at all the pieces and don't know how to put them back together.

Sorry.. your thread.... xx

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 21/05/2010 18:36

MW why don't you CAT me anyway just to start with hello? See what happens. Would like you to x

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 21/05/2010 20:02

Mitsubishi. I don't know what to say. Do CAT wst. And write that letter to yourself. You deserve a letter that means something. While you're at it, get rid of the other one. Unless you need it for evidence (then you could put it in a bank or something, somewhere cold and unimportant).

And on a very simplistic level, you put the pieces together a piece at a time. Picture a 5000 piece jigsaw all over the floor and it looks a mess. But see it piece by piece and it becomes possible.

Never forget that you are the strong ones. You have the power. You are incredible, and I am in utter awe of both of you.

Write that letter. Tell yourself that you were not blame. Tell yourselves the truth.

x

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 21/05/2010 20:16

Youknownothing thank you for your kind words. They're hard to take on board as all kind words are. Running away from them is automatic and feeling strong is the last thing I feel.

If I was strong I would at some point have stopped him. I know, my head knows better but my inner self thinks like this.

If I was strong I would have dealt with it somewhere down the line instead of 25 years after it stopped. Now it is connected to ds's birth and he gets to see his mummy's tears, irritation and low moods.

If I was strong I could deal with it on my own instead of having to lean on friends and constantly being scared that they will have had enough and will leave.

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 21/05/2010 20:26

Would you say that to a 7 year old? Is that what you would say? If she came to you and said "This happened" would you ask her why she wasn't strong enough to stop him?

No. No. That is not what you would do. So stop doing it to yourself.

You are dealing with this now. When it is relevant because DS is here. You are dealing with it when he is small and won't rememebr. You are using a support network. That's the strong thing to do. A coward would hide. you are not a coward. You stand up. And the people you love stand beside you.

You fear they would judge you. Would you judge that child? No. Because you are full of love and strength and are striving to make things right within yourself to make your DS's life better.

Weak? You?! Ha! Powerful and strong.

I know it's hard for you to hear. But it's what you are, like it or not, you are incredible. Don't forget it. x

QueenofWhatever · 21/05/2010 21:13

Thank you for posting this thread. This is exactly what has happened to me in the last couple of months as I recall the details of my Dad's sexual abuse. The sheer vividness of the flashbacks is breathtaking. All these years I've remembered nothing of my childhood, but I go back and know holw old I am, what month it is, how the sofa felt as he held me down.

I too had that incredible shock of realising I could no longer cling to the doubt, that it might not really have happened.

Since then, despite the sadness and grief, I feel so much more whole and complete.

Original poster
willsurvivethis · 21/05/2010 21:20

Youknownothing I'm not so sure my ds will not remember - he's two and so perceptive, he gets that worried look when I cry. Frown and big eyes. And my Mum didn't cope when I was two and didn't look after me well and it gave me attachment issues so I'm scared of that although the many professionals involved in ds's care say he's very well and appropriately bonded.

Queen - I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I'm glad you feel remembering is a good thing even though it is painful. Make sure you have support around you x

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 21/05/2010 21:33

wst, he'll remember who you are. I have cried countless times in front of my DCs. But I tell them we all get sad sometimes and that they are my sunshine. It can be a positive thing. It doesn't have to make you feel insecure, it can make you feel your feelings are normal. He gets worried because he adores you. You are his whole world. I can't believe he has any attachment worries when he clearly fills your thoughts.

He may remember you looking sad. He may remember giving you big eyes. Do you hold him then? Do you comfort him? Because that's what he will remember. His mum being sad and he was so clever that he held her and they felt better together.

If he's bright he'll see what I can see in the few words you've posted. He'll see you.

nickschick · 21/05/2010 21:52

I will be very honest here probably more honest than ive ever been.

I dont know how to be a parent .

My mother died when I was 11 and before then and indeed after then I lived a very unortohodox life.

My parenting skills come from books and magazines and my training as a nursery nurse.

But I love my sons without end,Im often complimented on my parenting but its more luck than anything else .....but I parent from a heart that as scarred and bruised as it is -does an ok job,,,,and thats all any of us can do those of us with bruised hearts and those without -our best.

The new babies we bring into the world know nothing of the cracks our hearts hold they are the glue that gives us a strong heart and let us love and be loved.

We are all survivors and we are all great.