This sounds so trivial but

[Creamcheese]

my DP wants us to move to a new house in my parents home town. There are numerous reasons why it would be a good idea and the house is fantastic. However, I had a difficult childhood. My father suffered from anxiety and depression, gambled and drank and generally made the life of our family miserable. He was prone to angry rages and is a bigotted person with narrow unpleasant views. He's medicated now and on the face of it seems ok when I visit.

I moved out of home a long time ago and I am able to say when I see my parents. This gives me a nominal feeling of control and calm when dealing with them.

However, if we move into the same town the "control" I have will be removed. I have previously had counselling and my counsellor said that I suffer from anxiety. I hadn't even realised but this stems back to my upbringing.

The thought of going back makes me feel physically sick and for days I've been on edge and anxious. I can't eat properly and can't sleep.

Is this something I need to confront and say to hell with it I should move back to my hometown? I am currently waiting for more counselling as I realise that I still can't think lucidly about my parents and the impact they have had on my adult life.

I suspect that even as I write this I know the answer, I simply feel that my anxiety will take hold and I will never be able to relax. How can I make my DP understand that my mental health is at stake here?

Without wanting to sound flippant why don't you start by no longer calling something so big 'trivial'. Where we live and who we live near is a big thing.

Because it is big - our home is our castle, a place of safety. And blatantly a house near your dad is not going to be anything like that - you will probably feel unsafe and stressed most of the time.

Yes maybe you need more counselling , but that is quite a separate issue.

The need to feel safe and in control is an extremely deep and powerful basic human instict, there's nothing trivial about it. I had to do similar with members of my family including my own mother and I would probably not be able to live near them if it meant I was forced into more contact. Will this be the case or will you still be able to decide how much time you actually have to spend with them?

Thanks for your responses. The house would only be a 15 minute walk away from my parents home and there would be limitless opportunities for "just popping round". I could ask them to call before visiting but overall I don't think this would help - I'd still feel anxious.

Let him read your OP?

Moving back doesn't sound like it would be great for you. Why does your DP think it will be for the family?

I think you are being totally lucid about it. You have really clear and reasonable misgivings about living there. Our environment is critical to our happiness and however gorgeous the house is, you won't feel comfortable, and your partner won't be happy if you go under because of your proximity to family.

The world is big. Surely your partner can find another lovely house somewhere at a more comfortable distance.

Totally agree, if your family are toxic for you then keeping them at arm's length can sometimes be the best way of dealing with it. I could not stand my mother to be regularly involved with my new, healthy little family. It takes a long time to develop these kind of boundaries and you have had to for very good reasons. The thing with anxiety, in my humble opinion, is to try not to let your fears prevent you from leading a happy and fulfilling life- that doesn't mean you are forced to confront all situations which may quite understandably make you uncomfortable or unhappy.

You will figure out what is best for you, please don't give yourself a hard time, you've obviously come a really long way from a difficult start.

I'm feeling anxious on your behalf - personally I wouldn't dream of living in the same town as my parents.

DP's parents also live in the same town. If I go back to work in future they would be able to help with the school run etc.

I've just spoken to DP and he says we will continue to look for other properties which is great. Of course he also reiterated the positive reasons why he feels we should consider the first house...

Your comments have made me realise just how important feeling secure and at peace in your home is. As racingheart points out if I go under it impacts on him and more importantly the wellbeing of our children. Time to put my foot down and keep it there.