Partner has anxiety, where can I get support - as I am struggling to cope with him?

[Questa]

Hi,

I'm hoping someone might be able to point me in the right direction. I've had a fruitless search on Google tonight for any online anxiety forums specifically for partners living with someone with anxiety.

My partner has anxiety and is now on medication. I however am struggling to cope with him day to day. We have two young children (aged nearly 2 and nearly 4). I am just longing to talk to someone (anyone!) to try and make sense of this situation

Thanks

Can you tell us more about his anxiety? How was it diagnosed? Has he just been given medication recently? I have suffered with anxiety so am on the other side, as it were, but happy to chat about with you. It often improves massively when treated so if it's early days, don't worry that it will always be this way.

Not sure about support for partners, but for more background info the site NoMorePanic is very good and does have forums, but mainly for sufferers. I gave my DP the book by Claire Weekes called 'Self-help for your nerves' as there is a section in there at the end for family of anxiety sufferers. I'm sure there must be forums for families too, but am ready for bed so brain isn't working properly. If I think of anything I will let you know!

Thank you.

He has been on citalopram for about a month. Started on 20mg, saw a radical improvement initially (hadn't heard him laugh for so long!) however that only lasted for a few days then he was back to his old self again. His dose was increased to 40mg last week but I've noticed no real improvement.

Last year he was on fluoxetine (sp?) I think Prozac? for depression, but stopped after 6 months as was having little effect.

BAsically he is angry/depressed all the time, heart races/contorted face/stressed look when doing anything family related (i.e. sitting down to family meal which I have prepared), gets anxious disproportionately to the problem, freezes and stares into space frequently.

I am swinging between patience, understanding and tolerance and zero patience and intolerance, which probably isn't helping at all.

Hi, if he is under the local CMHT, you are entitled to a carer's assessment by them - which should at the very least point you in direction of local groups you could join, or with a local agency (such as Making Space, who work with carers in some areas) that can help you, for free.

Not sure that what you looking for, but all I can think of right now. Have you contacted the local Mind/Rethink charities for help? It can be really hard to care for someone struggling - there is help out there, somewhere.

anxietyuk.org.uk have helplines which you could perhaps ring for advice or information on services to support you.
www.anxietyuk.org.uk/links.php This page has a long list of different organisations you could look at. There is information about local self-help groups too, which might be useful for him, or perhaps if you contacted the group leader they might be able to put you in contact with other people in your position.

Is he having any kind of counselling? Cognitive behavioural therapy and being taught relaxation techniques worked wonders for me.

There is a good book by Edward J Bourne called the "anxiety and phobia workbook". It is a big book, a bit overwelming at first, but contains helpful CBT techniques and ideas. Might help him a lot if he is prepared to work at it.

Other things that have helped me are changing my diet and hard, physical exercise.

Anxiety is Hell, I really feel for your DP. However, he has to decide not to put up with it any more and attack it from as many angles as possible.

that is the key - "he has to decide not to put up with it any more and attack it from as many angles as possible"

is he aware of the impact on you/the dcs?

it is v difficult to live with/be around.

my exP was not, not at all...he was also given diazepam which he took at times. that worked in extreme moments..

can he get away to spend time with other people - friends/family?

can you and dcs get away to spend time with other people?

have you/he/therapists established why family times make him anxious eg childhood issues etc?

who is looking after you/supporting you?
you might find this useful -
www.depressionfallout.com/
see the message board and post under generla discussion putting topic anxiety for support
depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/forums/1/t/General-Discussion.html

Thank you for your replies all. Piggymad I've just ordered the book you refer to, along with Depression Fallout.

Cestlavie We are definitely NOT at the stage where he has decided to tackle it. He reluctantly accepts it is having an impact on me (and doesn't acknowledge any impact on DC at all) so although he has not objected to my suggestions (i.e. organising the doctor appt for him) if I left it to him he would certainly never do it.

I would like him to be able to explore childhood issues as I think there are loads (very quiet child, stammer, gifted but pushed too hard at school so basically had some sort of breakdown and refused to take any more exams). Throughout life he has not done well with pressure (got jobs through friends/family as did terribly at interview, failed and resat his degree course several times). His family are quite successful and confident and he has always been the weird kid. I don't think there has been much tolerance of him. Which has translated to him as an adult needing to be told what to do (zero initiative).

On the up side, he has agreed to see a counsellor next week! As long as they can get him to say something..

PS cestlavie yes he gets loads of support, we pay(!) for extra childcare so he can have a day to himself with only our eldest (we both work part-time so he is at home 2 days with the children).

We also share a hobby which is very sociable and we do together or seperately, so he will often go out evenings or a full day at the weekend (maybe once a month) and I support that, however time away and doing the hobby which he loves seems to make him even more disgruntled with his lot when he comes back!

Sounds like things are progressing Questa! If he's agreeing to the counselling that is a good sign.
Did you post about this on AIBU? If you did, this might be relevant, if not then ignore this bit as I've confused you with someone else! Me and my dp nearly split up at the height of my anxiety - I was just in an awful state and felt rather resentful that he enjoyed life and found it all so 'easy'. I also thought that maybe my life would be better and my anxiety would 'disappear' if we did split up, which is not the case. So I'm trying to say that I know it must be incredibly frustrating for you, but sometimes decisions and 'solutions' can seem so overwhelming to an anxiety sufferer.

Hi Piggy, yes I did post on AIBU. There's more details on there!

Are you over your anxiety now?

I just think it is so much a part of his personality. The stress/anxiety side has only emerged in the last two years, but prior to that he was always quite a morose, depressive person, never getting excited about anything, very passive, moaning about life but not doing anything to change it.

I am making lots of changes in my life at the moment, I'm in the middle of a course (I am very unhappy in my job), I'm spending all my spare time getting on top of the garden, I'm reorganising the house and I've started running. Sometimes I feel leading by example makes him feel empowered to do stuff too, but other times I wonder if I'm making things worse.

Your comment re decisions and solutions being overwhelming really rings true btw. If I ask him for any sort of decision he practically breaks down.

Sorry, just thinking a little more..

RE decision making if you're anxious - is it best to protect him from making any decisions if it stresses him out? i.e. holiday (he is already complaining that no hoidays are planned, other than our regular trip to visit family in the south west). But if I was to ask him where he wanted to go, he'd get stressed, or have no opinion. Even if I give him an option a or b he struggles. So then I make the decision, but he moans about it..

Would love any insight into how to handle this situation!

I'm a lot better now than I was and we get on a lot better because I think he has started to understand a bit more and he has a LOT of patience. On a day to day basis I'm fine, it's just things like motorway driving, stressful events etc set me off. Would he take up running with you? I walk about 5 miles a day and exercise is so good for your mental health.

Hmmm re the decisions, I have to admit that I'm still a bit iffy about major things - so worried about making the wrong decision! My partner had a nice holiday all booked for this summer after I'd told him to sort something, then I panicked that it would be too much so we've rearranged our plans so we aren't going as far. I also think for me it is the anticipation of things too - I find holidays and travelling a bit stressful, so if I have months to worry about it I get into a state - is this the same for him? Could you maybe book a last minute deal?

my exP was always moaning....that is the worst thing... i could never do anything right...

see, one can understand anxiety over specific things etc - and implications of that - but not the moaning.

if you can sit down with him and you both accept he has anxiety issues,and there are certain strategies he / you agree to put in place - but he has to quit moaning about decisions you HAVE to take because he aint making them.

he cannot have it both ways.... if you the deicsion maker because he gets too anxious -he has to learn to stop moaning about it.

please dont stop doing what you are doing to improve your life - you do have to think of yourself as well....

I'm certainly not trying to suggest that you stop doing anything for yourself - you need to make sure you're healthy so you don't end up in the same place as your partner! I can just empathize with the feeling of being negative and hopeless and that you don't have any control over your life - I frequently wanted to give myself a shake so I know it must have been a nightmare for my dp (and we didn't even have any children to contend with!).

piggy - it is revealing to hear your side as it were ...

i think the issue here is that there ARE children in the picture. who comes first here?

your H could decide to support you, and did, and that is great - and i think you also show a huge amount of awareness....

but once there are children - then they don't have a choice. and it DOES impact them.

so the partner/spouse has to make decisions not jsut for them but for the DCS so they have a happy childhood....

the anne sheffield book has a chapter on this and the research - impact of parent with MH issues can be mitigated if the children get time away, time with happy, positive relatives etc. if they have to live day in day out with parent with MH issues they will be more likely to suffer the effects themselves later on...

if op stays with her H, then she has to consider building in times when DCs get "respite". it is impossible to "care for" an anxious depressed partner AND dcs - eg i spent one dd's birthday in 2007 because shse was with babysitter while i was holding exP's hand at GP and psychologist appt and walking round streets with him as he did his "woe is me" lines.... did it help him/make a difference long term - no - but did DD miss out? yes.

i left me exP in 2008.

from sept to december 2009 he was very depressed/anxious - dcs saw him, supervised, about once a week, i paid for them to eat out as he could not cook for them...

they were NOT impacted by his depression/anxiety as they would have been had we still been living with it day in day out. (when we were living thru and with it, eg in 2007 and before from about 2004..., early 2008 - it was hell)

now he on an up and they seeing him more and they enjoying it... it is far easier to manage it for them with not living in same house. (apart from all other reasons for separating!)

others may take view that the husband/wife relationship is paramount... choices to make...

I totally understand your point and of course the children need respite, but if this was the other way around, and it was the mother who was suffering, I feel there would be more symptathy. It is difficult enough for men to admit to mental health problems in the first place and given the stigma around being a 'man' and not getting upset or emotional I can understand why men would be reluctant to get help (not that I agree with that). Maybe some time away from the family would give him some space to work on himself without the pressure of family life and give the op and children a break too.
Interestingly, on Radio 2 today Jeremy Vine is talking about claims that men can suffer from PND too.

I'm marking my place here, will be back later, dp has started to get panic symptoms again.

I obviously don't have any insight into being in your position, c'estlavie, so I'm not disagreeing - sorry if comes across like that - I'm just offering a different perspective as now I'm 'better' I would be devastated if my illness had led to me and dp splitting up. And of course everyone's situation is different and maybe op's partner won't change or get better and maybe he will always be like that, which is a different situation altogether - maybe the relationship is adding to his problems? I don't know at all, but of course the children should be the main priority.

oh no i didnt see any disagreement

i think it may be easier in a classic case of say PND - where there is a clear beginning of a MH illness - or where the person is aboslutely fine then crashes...

i didnt leave the minute exP got depressed - i tried for years..

.he was depressed/anxious i would say from 2004...but he had had major issues form our ds' birth in 1996 when ds had SN...

his major breakdown/crisis occured in 2007 - he did go to his family from august 2007 to december 2007 and that was crucial for me in seeing a cousnellor and realising what my choices were....what i would "put up with", how much i could actually do for him, whether it made any difference...where it left the DCS and my own MH/stress...

i didnt truly leave til 2008 - partly as a result of realising some of the issues had been there all along, were personality/upbringing/abusive/controlling/whatever....separating what was true "illness" what was personality....

it is v. difficult - MH is not clear cut like a broken leg. there may not be clear beginning and end.

and if some of the behaviour turns out to be "personality" "behaviour" "ingrained" ...? that is what op can decide...

it boils down i think to whether the person takes responsibility for their MH issues or not. and sometimes you have to make a choice to care for your DCS or to care for the spouse.

farm out the dcs coz your spouse is having a breakdown - or farm out the spouse to profressionals or other relatives?

whether that is long term or just for next week...

ultimately my exP is managing just fine - he came out of his latest bout of depression at end 2009. he can get depressed with me or without me - and he can get better with me or without me - that much is clear!

he found support elsewhere -it didnt have to be me... and the DCs didnt have to support him/experience this bout in the same way.

if your spouse is loving, decent, fantastic person usually and this is just a pure bout of MH - yes of course you should support - but if it goes a bit beyond that (personality?) then might be different...

sorri rambling...

That sounds like a horrible time for your family, c'estlavie. It's nice to hear that things are going better now for you all and your dc still have a relationship with their father. I suppose it must be really difficult to decipher between personality and illness in some cases - I imagine in a long-term situation the two become merged. I certainly wouldn't expect my partner or children to sacrifice their own mental health by staying in that position. It is definitely tricky with MH in that it's true you can see a broken leg and you've got an idea of how long it will take to heal, but with MH there is the fear that things might never get better, or might get worse, and you can't necessarily 'see' an improvement, if that makes sense.
I'm going to leave this thread now but will take note of its existence and the useful advice on offer should I go through another bad patch and my dp needs support!

Piggy, just wanted to say thank you for offering your insight on this thread. It does really help to see all different sides of the coin (even the he's a selfish wanker opinions) and since I first posted on MN a few nights ago I feel like a weight has been lifted - well, not so much lifted, but definitely supported.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but as long as I can actually TALK to someone about it (no takers in RL) it seems manageable.

Cestlavie sorry for xposting, you've seen I'm on AIBU too. But reading your story everything is screaming at me: personality, not illness. Does that mean there's no hope?

hope for you, and your DCs, yes - because you are taking charge, taking steps, recognising there is an issue...

hope for him? yes, there is a chance - if he accepts he needs help, follows thru with counsellor, looks for a diff counsellor if the first one isn't suitable etc...

my exP is today, really, exactly the same as he was before - he does not seem happy with life... but i have realised it has nothing to do with me. he used to flit between "you are the best thing that has ahppened to me/i cannot live without you" to "i wish i had never met you/you have ruined my life with the dcs/my depression is due to you/the dcs/my work etc.." etc.

i think i tried for many years.

now i feel calmer, happier - it took his major crisis (descent into self harm/aggression etc) to allow me to get "free" in a way...

i think he has a chance to build a nice relationship with his dds, i still not sure he "able" to deal with ds.

it think maybe for you, you have been going along a bumpy road and now you have reached one of those big roundabouts - you going round it and round it looking for the right exit....you can decide the route to take, you can even go back the way you came, and continue as you were before...

or keep on going round the roundabout absorbing info from the signs til you do decide which exit to take...

your P can also decide whether to take action or not.

and that will impact on the exit you decide to take too...